Giving feedback can be nerve wracking whether it’s for professional or personal reasons. Yet it is the core of figuring out what works and doesn’t work in any interpersonal relationship.
The idea of sitting across from someone to tell them what is “wrong” can induce sweaty palms, anxiety, or sleeplessness because bad news is both hard to give and receive. It’s especially nerve wracking to give “negative” feedback as a new manager or to give feedback to someone in a more senior role.
You may not only wonder what happens during the feedback session but what will happen afterward: Will it be awkward or demotivating? How will it affect the working relationship? How do I continue to make small talk or get to know about their weekends when I have given them negative feedback?
Your manager or HR department may give you some guidelines or techniques to give feedback. One technique in the professional world for giving feedback is the feedback sandwich. It is a way to give “negative” feedback that is sandwiched in between “positive” feedback.
A brief example would be: “John (positive feedback) you are a great team player with a lot of enthusiasm but (negative feedback) your presentation skills needs to be worked on and (positive feedback) you have good follow through on urgent matters.” During the course of this feedback discussion the manager would dive deeper into each of the items.
I truly believe that the feedback sandwich does not work.
Why?
1. If you or your organization hired someone because of their skills, gifts, talents, and potential then that person probably knows what you want to do: give them “negative” feedback. So to use this method doesn’t honor this original intent and hides it between things that are not at the core of what you are trying to do.
2. A feedback sandwich is disjointed in nature and for many people it is confusing to receive disconnected communication. It’s like: “Oooh I love your shoes! Wow, that dog is so cute! Oh I want to talk about and admire your shoes again.” It’s jarring to switch back and forth and then back again between different topics.
Note that I am not against giving both “positive” and “negative” feedback in one discussion, what I am against is this toggling technique which is misleading and discombobulating.
3. For whose sake is the manager doing the feedback sandwich for? I am guessing that even though the feedback giver is a manager, they are still human and it feels uncomfortable to share information that is seen as “negative” and they don’t want to be the “bad person.” If that is true, then using the feedback sandwich is not for the sake of the receiver but rather it is to relieve the giver’s sense of discomfort or unease.
So if you are aligned with me that the feedback sandwich method can be confusing and disconnected, then what does work?
Now the topic of feedback can and does fill many, many, many business, professional, and communications books. So I want to give you a small taste of a different way to start the feedback process: by first checking in with yourself.
Here is a brief 5 minute exercise you can try prior to starting the feedback process:
- First find a place where you can sit or be still for a bit. Have paper and pen closeby. Close your eyes, take 3 deep breaths.
- Notice what thoughts or feelings are coming up for you about this feedback process.
- Maybe it’s agitation, uncomfortableness, or fear about giving “negative” feedback. Maybe it’s relief, anger, or excitement. Whatever it is, let it be – you don’t have to fix anything.
- Maybe it’s thoughts of “I don’t like to do this, but I’m their manager and it’s my job”, or “I look forward to finally telling them what’s wrong!”, or “Let’s just get this over with!” Whatever it is, let it be – you don’t have to fix anything.
- When you finish noticing your feelings or thoughts, open your eyes, and write them down.
- Take a look at what you wrote and fully acknowledge that you are bringing all these things to the feedback process.
- Can you acknowledge that as a manager you are human too and there is a lot going on for you?
- From this place start thinking or planning the feedback you want to give and the way you want to give it.
I am going to pause here now. Of course the feedback process has many more steps following this and this article is not meant to be a comprehensive guide to feedback giving.
The goal of this exercise is to start the feedback process by acknowledging what a person can consciously or unconsciously bring along. With this understanding, then the feedback giver can decide whether to use the feedback sandwich method or start thinking about ways to give and receive feedback that is more humanizing for both the giver and the receiver.
Sharing “negative” feedback is not easy and if you are doing it then good luck. If you did try this exercise I would love to learn how it went for you. Alternatively if you found a certain feedback technique to be effective, share them with me.
If you are curious to learn more about my perspectives and ways to create deeper inner and interpersonal connections then I invite you to follow panna panya on LinkedIn or sign up for my newsletter here.
Take care,
Nancy