Here you are prepping lunch for your aging parent who recently got out of the hospital. Whether you are chopping up veggies or figuring out what your parent can eat post-hospitalization from the local takeout menu, a niggling thought pops back up again: where is this sibling of yours?
You mentally know that you are not the only child. Whether you have 1 or more sibling, it doesn’t matter: your sibling exists. So how come they are not showing up?
You have a day job too, managing high functioning teams or leading important projects. So your time and energy is also precious. Why is it easier to get things done at work than it is at home for your parent?!?!
Sure your sibling showed up at the hospital when things were urgent and helped with some things like trying to decipher the medical language and what to do next. Now that your parent is out of the hospital they are nowhere to be found.
You have reached out via text telling them what your parent needs, hoping that it is a strong enough message: I can’t do this alone and need help! But it has been radio silence. Even when you do get on the phone, they are pretty quiet and don’t really ask about you… or your parent… so what is happening!?!
This niggling pre-lunch thought now turns to anger: where the heck is this sibling!?! I’m exhausted and have been taking care of my parent for days if not weeks after the hospitalization – managing their bills, figuring out what they can or cannot do, trying to remember the 1,000 things the medical professionals told me, managing their medication, etc. I am about to burnout. So why is my sibling MIA?
As these thoughts whirl around in your head, it is easy to spiral into an emotional whirlwind. I invite you to take 3 deep breaths. This may be the first time in a while that you have to yourself and it is an overwhelming place to be. Take 3 deep breaths to pause and check in on how you are feeling.
Clearly you are angry (maybe even resentful), tired, discouraged, and overwhelmed. Caregiving is not meant to be a solo task and you need help, as soon as possible. Even if it is not physical help, you may need emotional or mental support as caregiving can be a marathon and not a sprint. You’re currently working 2 jobs, one of which actually trains and pays you and one of which drains you and has no training or support.
Right now you need to take care of yourself – put on your oxygen mask first. There are many strategies to have more support, balance, and ease in this caregiving situation but the first thing is just to acknowledge that “I need help.” Since your sibling isn’t responding, I encourage you to do this: text 3 different friends, people who you trust can lend a sympathetic ear, this message: “It’s been a bit rough taking care of my parent, can I share what is going for me for 15 minutes this week?”
Your friends now know you need help and a space to share what’s happening. This is the first step and sometimes it is not easy to ask for help but if you choose to continue to be a caregiver then this is a skill, a muscle, that you will need to learn to exercise. Getting in touch with what you truly need on this journey is something that takes time and will ultimately sustain you.
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Nancy Li is a coach for driven professionals who struggle to be authentic and want to feel connected in relationships.She helped people navigate caregiving journeys by connecting them with their authenticity and what they need to be a caregiver and not burn out emotionally, physically, or mentally.
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