Let’s face it: break ups suck. Whether it is with a long term partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, close friendship, or even a business partner: it hurts. Because, as the word itself implies – a break up is tearing apart of two people who were once connected, a separation of two human beings on a relational level, and a letting go of or soothing a part of ourselves who yearns for something different.
There is not only the physical separation: such getting your things back, returning the other person’s things, or establishing boundaries of how and when to meet if there is still a common social circle or shared community.
There is also the mental separation: you can no longer call or text the person on a whim to share a funny or infuriating situation.
There is also an emotional separation: not feeling the warmth, connectivity, and even love that you once felt for that person.
While the physical separation of determining and dividing is more clean, the mental and emotional determining and dividing does not have such tangible ways to delineate when it is “done.”
So here you are: it may have been weeks or months and you are still not “over it” yet. You look perfectly “fine” on the outside: maybe you’re functioning well at work, able to take a shower and go to the grocery store, and even hang out in public with mutual friends but you are not “fine” on the inside.
Inside you are still roiling:
- Sometimes with anger: “How can they do this to me! This is not fair” or “How can they move on so quickly and I am still left holding this package that I want to get rid of but have no idea how to?”
- Sometimes with sadness: “I feel so lonely without them that maybe we shouldn’t have broken up” or “Someone, anyone will do. I just do not want to be by myself.”
- Sometimes with fear: “What if I can’t trust anyone to that level again?” or “Will I ever be able to find another person to love?”
- Sometimes with embarrassment: “Why am I making such a big deal about this? People break up all the time and they are fine.” or “This is such a first world problem, there are starving homeless people and here I am complaining!?”
- And sometimes it is an incomprehensible mixture of everything above and then some more.
I would like to invite you to take a deep breath. Really, please take a deep breath. Then take 3 more if possible. I swear: this really helps.
If what I just shared is resonating with you I want to acknowledge the deep pain and hurt that is still there. I do not believe in that saying that “time heals all wounds.” Actually I find that the writer and meditator yung pueblo says it best so here goes:
“time does not heal all wounds; it just gives them space to sink into the subconscious, where they will continue to impact your emotions and behavior. what heals is going inward, loving yourself, accepting yourself, listening to your needs, addressing your attachments and emotional history, learning how to let go, and following your intuition.”
Wow yung! So easy to say and so hard to do! So what can you actually do about it? How can you stop wearing the mask of “I’m ok” when you really are not?
(Note that this writer does not use capitalization in this piece of writing so I am sharing the quote above as it.)
I don’t have an easy solution for break up because what brought 2 people together is a unique and universal mystery of chemistry, timing, communication, connection, and being human. It’s easy to want to seek a silver bullet or holy grail solution, especially for things that are painful or hard to be with, but these things don’t exist.
However I can share the 3 principles of my work that has worked for people in tough times of transitions:
- Focus on what works. Our minds tend to default to negative thinking because those are the thoughts that help us survive. However, focusing on what doesn’t work isn’t helpful or going to work in the long term. Focusing on what already works can help us see what is already available and possible.
- Connecting with ourselves with tenderness is one of the ways out of pain. Of the examples of anger, sadness, and embarrassment – how many of the thoughts are tinged with shame, blame, or guilt? Majority of these thoughts are. So tenderness is a way to navigate away from this roiling inner landscape and to other possibilities.
- Explore your smallest next step. Oftentimes we want BIG leaps because we just want to get away from the pain and having a solution right away is so comforting. But big leaps are not only hard to make, they are hard to course correct mid air when you are leaping. So I advocate for small steps, for each step takes you closer to where you want to be and who you want to be.
If any of these principles resonate with you then I invite you to explore them, on your own or with others who have practice and experience in these areas. There are so many wonderful practitioners of these 3 principles in the world whether they are friends, family members, therapists, writers, influencers, or even a coach like me so I hope this gives you some hope that one day you can drop that mask of being “just fine” even when you are not, find ways to truly understand and express yourself with authenticity, and be at home with yourself even when times are tough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nancy Li is a coach, speaker, and trainer for driven professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships. They can often default to people pleasing, have imposter syndrome, or put on a mask. Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically.
Website: https://pannapanya.com/
LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin, https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/
YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube
Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta