When you are not getting along with your new manager and it is affecting their perception of you
You have a new manager and you two are just not getting along. Previously not only did you have a great rapport with your previous manager, you are also known as a competent and effective team leader with strategic insights and perspectives.
But… it’s all topsy turvy now:
- Your new manager presents some new ideas and you give them the logical reason why it would not work. Instead of appreciating your candor and perspective they think that you are being “too negative”.
- They are constantly asking more and more of your team, even though your team has been working beyond normal work hours to do their ongoing regular work in addition to the new projects.
- Your 1:1 meetings do not seem to click. They think you do not communicate well and you don’t know how to address that, especially since your previous managers thought you had great communication skills.
If the behavioral trends continue then it will not bode well for you… or for the team you manage. So how can you navigate this?!? Do you stay your course and continue to tell them what you really think? Do you hide what you truly think and feel, put on a facade, and default to people pleasing?
First of all, I want to give you some empathy: change is hard and it is even harder when it is with someone you don’t get along with as well AND they are in a position of power over you within an organization. Going from being a valued leader to suddenly being labeled as “too negative” or not a good communicator by a new manager is such a drastic shift that no wonder you’re spinning in confusion and frustration. The social part of the workplace can be so confounding sometimes!
Take a deep breath and acknowledge how bewildering this situation you are in. Go ahead: take at least 3 more breaths before you continue reading. Can you feel your breath coming in and out of you even as you are in this tough spot?
Next, since the feedback so far is centered on the perception of you as a communicator, I want to give you a practical tip that can help start repairing your image. I am guessing that as the new leader on a team, your manager probably wants to show their capabilities by leading the team in a new direction that would be more effective for the company.
I am not asking you to commiserate or take their position, especially if you don’t believe their ideas are going to be work. I am asking you to let them know you heard them.
Communication is often thought of as a two way street: Person A says something and then Person B says something. But often what is overlooked is that Person A says something AND in order for Person A to feel understood or heard, it would be helpful for Person B to acknowledge what Person A said before Person B says something.
For example:
Manager: “I am proposing a lemonade stand at every corner so that we will generate more profit in Q3.”
You: “We don’t have the cash to build that many stands! Plus the competitors are already at some prime locations.”
I am guessing that the manager is a bit miffed and wonder if you understand what they are saying in the first place before shooting the idea down.
This is where reflective listening comes in. Reflective listening is the ability to let the other person know that you heard and understood them by reflecting or paraphrasing what you heard. It can also be followed by: “Is this what you are saying?” or “Did I hear this correctly?”
So let’s replay the lemonade stand scenario with some reflective listening:
Manager: “I am proposing a lemonade stand at every corner so that we will generate more profit in Q3.”
You: “So you think location can really boost sales. Did I hear that correctly?”
Manager: “No, that is not what I am saying. I am saying that presence and lots of it, as soon as possible, will increase sales.”
You: “Ah, I see: so being visible in lots of areas with lots of frequency will make sales soar.”
Manager: “You got it, so let’s do this!”
You can still not agree with the idea that the manager brought to the table AND be on the same page: they articulated that lots of presence will boost sales and they know that you understand this point. Then from this place of shared understanding you can share your perspectives of viable strategies, assumptions, goals, what support or information to support decision making, etc.
You get to be your authentic self – expressing what you think the business needs given your skills, gifts, and talents.
AND your manager will feel heard and you will get points for doing the hearing which enables them to hear you more willingly. That is the real two way street of communication. Without that willingness to listen on both sides, then you are just talking over each other.
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Nancy Li is a coach who works with high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in their relationships. She helps by nourishing their inner connection and helping them find new tools for their relationship tool box so they can show up fully and authentically in relationships. Nancy provides frameworks, exercises, and perspectives so they can make choices from their own authentic knowing.
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