One of the reasons why clients come to work with me is because they are really struggling after a breakup.
Here they are: a competent professional at work – running meetings and projects seamlessly, giving presentations and feedback in a professional and thoughtful manner, and holding team members accountable to projects and timelines effectively. Yet when the workday finally ends, their mind turns back to the breakup.
The break up could have happened a few weeks or a few months ago, it could have been with a partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse but similar thoughts appear:
- “What could I have done differently so that it wouldn’t have ended so badly?”
- “If I did this specific action at this specific point of our relationship then maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now.”
- “What did I do wrong?” Or even: “What is wrong with me?”
The usual tools of logic, strategy, problem solving, and diligence – all the wonderful ways that earned them recognition and rewards in their careers are not helping at all in the situation of heartache
I want to acknowledge that these people have many amazing tools for their professional jobs but when it comes to breakups and heartaches, they are using the wrong tool for the wrong job.
- Breakups are not logical.
- Emotions cannot be strategized
- Relationships are not problems to be solved.
- And being diligent doesn’t mean things will necessarily get better.
It can feel frustrating, stuck, or exhausting to find that none of the usual ways of dealing with problems are working for heartache. It’s like when all I have is a hammer then everything looks like a nail.
I first want to acknowledge with compassion that this is such a tough place to be in: to find a part of our life that is just not working when we are so competent in other parts of our lives. It is challenging our identity: who we are, what we are capable of, and what we can do about it.
Next I want to encourage the person to acknowledge how hard it is physically and mentally on the body to replay these thoughts while still carrying on as usual at work or with friends and family. Because it already has been weeks or months since the break up, they think no one wants to hear about it anymore so they have to wear a happy face/ it’s ok mask to get through the day, even when it’s not how they feel.
I don’t have one solution for this because there is no one size fits all to something that is this deeply important and intimate. I am not a romantic relationship coach but I do know that the tools of analysis and looking outside to what was done (or not done) are not going to work. Because if these tools did then the mind loops would have already stopped.
New tools are needed. Tools to develop stronger inner connection so one can weather the storms of relationships and appreciate the possibilities. We can analyze the outside world but we only have so much influence over it. What’s happening inside of us is something that is more influenceable because we are literally with ourselves 24/7 while we cannot be with anyone else all the time.
In addition to the tools of logic, strategy, problem solving, and diligence, here are some new tools of inner connection that one can add to their toolbox:
- Self awareness
- Compassion
- Communication
- Rest
- Play
- Nourishing connections
These all can help ease and comfort a broken heart yet in some ways these tools are more amorphous and uncomfortable. For example: how can I rest when I have so much to do – plus during the down time all these thoughts and feelings come back?! How can I have compassion for myself when I am wallowing in confusion, sadness, anger, and all these other icky feelings?
It will take time and practice to learn these tools.
Even if you are a busy person it is worth doing so.
Because if you do not, it’s like driving down a highway with a windshield caked with splattered bugs. You’re so anxious to get to where you want to go, you don’t want to slow down and clean the windshield because it will take time and effort. The reality is that if you clean your windshield you’ll get more visibility of the surroundings and get to where you want to go easier. If you keep driving with the splattered windshield you’ll have to squint more and it makes getting where you want to go harder.
I help clients become aware of and access these new tools by exploring their inner connection and what qualities they want to strengthen. Once they find out what really works for themselves then they can bring what works to their relationships, even if it ends up in a break up.
If you are interested in learning more about working with me I invite you email me at hello@pannapanya.com.
Take care,
Nancy
This is such a timely post. Thanks, Nancy!
Glad that it resonates with you <3