These last few weeks have been heartbreaking: granny (my mom’s mom) fell and broke her femur a few weeks shy of her 89th birthday. Although my mom is currently her paid caregiver of 40 hours a week, thanks to a New York City program that pays family members to caregive, I do not want my mom to burn out now that granny needs night time care too.
So I decided to be a caregiver for 2 weeks in Brooklyn. While the physical distance from Philadelphia (where I live) and Brooklyn (where I grew up) is about 100 miles, it is a different world.
In Philadelphia I get to be this accomplished professional, independent woman, coach with time and spaciousness to explore and care about what matters to my clients, reader of books, and networker. In Brooklyn I am the eldest child, daughter, granddaughter, caregiver, sister, and cousin. Within 100 miles my identity transforms and also reverts back to the physical childhood spaces, alongside familial roles and conditioning.
These two weeks had been the second hardest time of my life. The first time was when I took care of granny for 10 days after she had a septic infection of her large intestine, resulting in an emergency surgery to remove that organ which ended up with her having an ostomy where shit literally falls out of her abdomen into a plastic pouch.
Both times granny kept saying the same thing to me, “You are the best grandchild because you do so much for me.”* Besides being an occasional caregiver, I am also her translator, ostomy supply orderer, and medical coordinator given the English-Cantonese language gap.
Every time I hear her say this, I tear up – I do so much for her because I love her. She was the only adult who was non physically or verbally violent to me and my younger brother when we were children. So despite our differences in politics, how to live life, and how much we choose to say what is really on our minds, for that alone I am eternally grateful for as long as she lives and beyond.
During this difficult time a friend asked me:
What would you want to tell granny?
The reality is that I have already told her what I wanted to tell her:
- I love you
- Thank you for being a nonviolent person in my life so I can know that receiving love and care as a child doesn’t have to be physically or emotionally hurtful
- Thank you for being alive
- Thank you for being a single mom to 3 children during Communist Revolution in China
- Thank you for surviving
- Thank you for being alive until my adulthood so I can have a role model of gentleness and care in a world that thinks these things are weaknesses
- Thank you for being one of the strongest person I know
- Thank you for being my granny
What would I want granny to tell me?
In response to this question, I want to tell her: “I don’t want you to love, care, or value me because of what I do. Instead of saying ‘You are the best grandchild because you do so much for me,’ I yearn for granny to tell me:
- I love you because you matter. Full stop. You don’t have to do a single thing for me in order for me to love or care for you.
- To matter – you don’t need to deserve or earn any recognition or attention from me or anyone else because of what you achieve, how smart you are, how you patiently or impatiently you navigate the healthcare system for me, how you took time from your life to cook for me, wash dishes, wipe my body, talk to me, do laundry, and ask about how I am doing.
- You matter to me just because you are alive. You do not need to do anything more in your life to be more precious to me: you are inherently precious because you are you.
- No matter how different our perspectives, lived experiences, and lifestyles may be, you do not have to change a single thing about you to please me. You please me: as you are right now and I love you for it.
This is what I wish granny could tell me.
This is what I wish we were all told.
This is what I wish everyone could hear.
This is what I wish we could tell ourselves.
This is what I know to be true.
* My brother is also amazing: loving and taking care of granny in his ways.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nancy Li is an authenticity coach and she deeply cares about people mattering – that we don’t need to earn care or a place in the world. Similar to what she expressed in this article – she passionately believes that our ability to truly express ourselves is innately tied to our care and effectiveness at whatever we want to do, whether it is taking care of another, running a team, or building a business.
If you hold similar views, I would love to connect. Connect with me on LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/) and send me a message.