Today I am going to bust some myths about authenticity. Myths are beliefs that appear in story form. Beliefs are powerful, especially if they are operating unconsciously because they shape our feelings, thoughts, actions, and behaviors in deep ways. Sometimes these beliefs are helpful, sometimes they are harmful.
Here are some myths about showing up more authentically in the world:
- Being authentic means that I have to be authentic ALL the time.
No one is one thing all the time. To be authentic means we need to know what is happening inside of us. In this complex, fast moving, and sometimes confusing world, I am not sure if it is possible to know all the time.
Sometimes it requires a gentle marination for things to really sink in, other times it requires some waiting for what is really bothering me to surface, and sometimes it requires some soul searching in a quiet space to get to the heart of what matters. So sometimes being authentic takes time.
Also it can not be safe to be authentic – there may be ramifications on our job, promotion, salary, retirement fund, or physical safety. So it’s wise to not show up fully if there are consequences that may hurt me or my family. While I mourn that it is sometimes unsafe to be authentic, I also want to encourage people in these situations to find some space and people with whom they can be real with, for it is important to be seen and known.
- Being authentic means sharing what comes up for me right away.
I believe that people who share things right away are actually being reactive, not authentic. When we are in our authenticity there is a sense of groundedness, a stability of some sort that tells us that this is who we are and it is important to share this. It is not from a place of knee jerk backlash because we feel hurt or uncomfortable.
I know I am being reactive when I am coming from a place of hurt and blaming others vs. telling others what is happening inside me. For example, a reaction is: “You are such a jerk! I can’t believe you are doing this again even though I told you 100 times not to!” and authenticity is “When you did (specific action) again, I felt really upset and hurt because I remember telling you about how much it bothers me and you are doing it right now.”
- You are either innately authentic or you are not.
Just as a baby doesn’t pop out of the womb and say “hmmm…I better be adorable and please my caretakers so I will get what I need,” no person is born inauthentic. While a baby may be super adorable at times, it also poops, screams, and vomits all over the place with no apologies. That means we are born authentically expressing what we need and want – not holding back at all, even if that means a literal shitty situation.
Having worked with elementary school aged children, I know kids are so authentic: they either like you or they don’t and they tell you as it is. This is why I believe that we are born authentic and then have to learn to hide – to hide what we are thinking, feeling, or experiencing so that we can be cared for, accepted, and liked.
- If I am being authentic then others won’t like or accept me for who I am.
This is a big one because at the heart of it all: how do we balance between being more authentic AND being in harmony with others. This is a conundrum but it is not an either/or situation. It is possible to both be authentic and grow closer to other people. When people know that what they see is what they get, they can relax into the authenticity and start trusting what is in front of them. When person A expresses what is really going on inside of them, person B can also see those parts in themselves and feel more connected to person A. If person A doesn’t express what is going on, then person B can only make up their own stories using assumptions which may or may not be true.
With each myth there is so much nuance. It is not a one size fits all because being authentic is not a template. Upon learning about these myths, which ones do you have? Which ones have an impact on your life – on how you show up in your professional and personal relationships?
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Coach for driven professionals who struggle to be more authentic and want to feel connected in relationships – personal or professional. I nourish their inner connection so they can be authentic AND effective at whatever they want to do.
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