Here are two conflicts with different outcomes:
Conflict #1:
A friend said something insulting to you over Saturday lunch. Your other friend noticed your reaction and told you that the other person didn’t mean it and to let it go. You keep thinking about it as you head home, as you read a book to de-stress from the week, as you cook dinner, as you eat dinner, as you go to bed, and you’re still thinking about this insulting thing 24 hours later during Sunday lunch.
Conflict #2:
Two dogs see each other at the park, start growling, and escalate to barking and nipping at each other. The owners tell them to stop fighting and they pull apart after a bit more tussling. Afterwards, they each shake their whole body from head to tail. Five minutes later one dog lolls over to the other dog with a “do you want to play?” expression on it’s face. The two dogs start to play.
What’s the difference between the two conflicts?
Some people may say: you can’t compare a dog fight with a human fight because humans are [smarter, more evolved, more complex, etc.] but given that humans and dogs are both animals, what is the difference between the two conflict scenarios?
From my perspective: conflict #1 mainly involved the mind and conflict #2 involved the mind and the body.
While the human mind is amazing in many ways – it has the powers to dream, create goals, plan, predict, and imagine, it can only function well in these domains if it is not hijacked by the animal body. You’ve may have heard of amygdala hijack or the lizard brain (aka the limbic system) where one cannot think clearly under stress.
This is why you cannot think your way out of a conflict.
Sure you can:
- Rationalize what your high power peer said at the leadership meeting
- Read a book written by a communication expert and apply the best practices
- Analyze why the other team is not being collaborative
These are all logical and sensible solutions.
But how can they work when your animal body is going haywire?
Your brain is foggy at the thought of having a 1:1 meeting with the person you’re in conflict with, you’re filled with dread and anxiety about stepping into the next leadership meeting, or you’re having trouble sleeping because your mind is replaying the same issues or solutions over and over and over again.
This is why the first principle to befriending the elephant in the conference room (aka conflict at the workplace) is: the more you connect your human mind to your animal body, the more you unblock your critical thinking skills and reduce anxiety.
To be able to access your critical thinking skills you need to reduce anxiety. To reduce anxiety you need to connect your mind with your body.
If you leave our your human mind out then your plans and communication will be nonsensical and useless.
If you leave your animal body out then you can have the right words but feel dissociated from the situation or lack conviction because your body is running amok.
In a world that keeps telling us that being smart is what matters, how do you start connecting your human mind with your animal body?
Start by noticing where your body holds stress when you are in conflict. Take note of it: how does it feel, where is it on the body, what is the intensity, what size or shape is it?
The first step to connection is awareness.
Read about the next principle here.
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Nancy Li is the person you want to call when you’re tired of conflict stopping you from reaching your goals at work.
Learn more about what she does: https://pannapanya.com/about/
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