One of the oldies but goodies is this “It’s Not About the Nail” video. Watch it – it’s a viral classic! It’s a fun video whether you are commiserating with the woman or the man in the video, or just laughing out loud at the sheer ridiculousness of the nail/not nail situation.
When I watch this video, I see two people playing a game of catch by themselves instead of with each other – which is what conversations really are: a game of catching the ball between 2 or more people.
Communication is about person A throwing the ball to person B. Person B has to catch the ball BEFORE throwing the same or different ball back to person A and then the pattern repeats. Sometimes the pattern changes where person B starts the ball throwing.
Regardless of who throws the ball first the important idea is this: in order to keep the game going and fun, the receiver has to CATCH THE BALL before throwing the same or different ball to the giver. If person B does not catch the original ball then person A can feel not heard, angry, disappointed, annoyed, or whatever the feeling may be of not getting their needs met.
So when the man in the video proceeds to “fix” things, he is not catching the same ball that she is throwing. If you look at the conversation from a ball throwing analogy this is what is happening:
Woman: It’s just there is all this pressure, you know. Sometimes it feels like it’s right up on me…
- Throws the ball at the man – the ball is about how bad she feels, all the emotions, and difficulties she is going through
Man: Yeah…you do have a nail on the head…
- Does not catch the original ball she threw. He doesn’t let her know that he heard her – how bad she feels, all the emotions and difficulties she is going through
- In addition to not catching the ball (of I am having emotions and a tough time) he is actually throwing her a new ball: look honey, this is issue
Woman: It’s not about the nail
- Is mad that he did not catch the emotions/tough times ball and is throwing the new issues ball. This takes the attention away from what she cares about and wants to focus on
Man: Are you sure? Because, I bet, if we get it out of there –
- Continues to throw the solutions AND he adds in a new ball – solutions
Woman: Stop trying to fix it!
- Is now officially mad that not only the original emotions/tough times ball was dropped but now he is continuing to throw 2 new balls at her: issues and solutions. Grrrrr!!!!
I hope this ball throwing analogy gives you a different way of looking at this and other conversations in your life. While this is a hilarious video that I have watched several times, when it happens in real life it is less funny because all humans want to be seen and heard. So when I do not feel seen or heard by someone I care about then it can feel disconnected and uncared for.
Note that I am not advocating to block the man’s authentic interest in helping the woman. I appreciate his genuine interest and care in wanting to resolve her issues so she can sleep better at night and not get all her sweaters snagged.
I am saying that there is room for authenticity (hey… you have a nail in your head…) AND there is room to catch the ball that someone is throwing at you before you then share with authenticity.
If you noticed the woman kept repeating herself it is because she doesn’t feel heard or understood. This pattern of repeating something is because she is not getting what she is looking for, which is to acknowledge just how tough this situation is and how it is affecting her.
If he can reflect back what she is expressing: “Oh honey, I hear what a tough time you are having with this pressure, so badly that you can barely sleep and it’s affecting your wardrobe,” then she will feel the relief that she is not crazy.
This skill is called reflective listening – when we let the other person know that we actually hear them, instead of nodding along. Then the other person thinks: wow they truly understand me! It gives a person a lot of comfort and relief that they are being heard and not glossed over.
From that space then he becomes her ally/partner instead of a fixer/savior: he can just acknowledge where she is at so the woman can have the mental and emotional spaciousness to actually see the nail in the head. Then they can potentially work together to get the nail out.
Reflective listening is so important because it tells the other person that we really get them and what they are going through. It is one of the foundational pieces of empathy, for we cannot understand if we do not listen.
So next week I want to continue with this situation and take a closer look at empathy: what it is and is not, and the possible ways to give empathy to these two people given this nail/not nail situation.