So in addition to hating affirmations, I also dislike the way that gratitude is forced upon us – especially around the holiday seasons*.
There has always been prescribed ways of “being grateful” that made no sense to me, even as a young child:
- When I couldn’t finish my food, I was told “be grateful for what you have, think of all the starving kids in Africa**.”
- When I had a tremendous heartache from a break up in my 20s and crying daily, I was told to start a gratitude journal. I was so desperate that I did it… and hated how manufactured and fake it was to be grateful when I was just really miserable. The whole fake it till you make it strategy never worked for me.
- Why are we mainly told to be grateful around the fall to winter time period? Couldn’t everyday be filled with gratitude? Also why does gratitude seem to revolve around buying things?! This also goes for Valentine’s Day.
- Where there is so much terrible things happening in the world: war and violence, poverty and hunger, illness and death.
With that being said, I want to share what worked for me in the practice of gratitude.
Everyone practices gratitude differently. I am definitely not a fan of gratitude journaling, where I feel like I am doing a prescribed laundry list instead of expressing something beautiful that organically wells up. So as an adult, I discovered different ways that worked for me:
- One year I decided to make friendship bracelets. The repetition of tying knot after knot in these slender embroidery threads made me appreciate the amount of work that went into it. I made 3 (1 for me and 2 for other people) and then stopped. It was a nice experiment to find a different way of expressing gratitude.
- Every year I hand write appreciation and mail notes to anyone who had an impact on me. The format is this: Happy holidays and happy new year! Thank you for your friendship this year. I feel (insert feelings here: warm, joyful, appreciative, inspired, etc.) because of (all the needs they met for me: mutuality, deep listening, empathy, compassion, celebration, mourning, etc.) Looking forward to another year with you! XOXO, Nancy
- Every year I write a birthday letter to myself. I wish myself a happy birthday, reflect upon this past 12 months, and share well wishes or appreciations for the next year. Then I actually mail myself the letter, receive it, put it away, and actually read it when I feel the need to. I am always amazed at the care my past self has for my future self.
So if you are tired of being told to be grateful in a certain way and dislike gratitude journals as much as I do, then try these other ways and figure out what works for you. Like anything: gratitude is a muscle and we’ve been told to use other muscles (such as shame, blame, and guilt – at others and ourselves) a lot while the gratitude muscle just atrophies from dis or mis use. Let’s get some nice reps in so it actually feels good and authentic to be grateful and appreciate things in life, even when it is tough.
* In case that the two articles about disliking affirmations and forced gratitude makes you draw a logical conclusion that I am a curmudgeon, I want to assure you that I do have joy and gratitude in my life. I just do it in ways that work for me instead of the prescribed mass media way. And yes I do like cute little kids, puppies, and rainbows.
** Note that I was a kid of the 80’s and that was what was said to me even though there are starving children around the entire world.
Thanks for writing this! I hear all of this keenly, as someone who is anguished at the horrors of our world and is prone to minimnizing my own problems in response. Not to mention a similarly complicated relaitonship with journaling!
Your responses ring familiarly with me too – all being ways to treat myself as I’d treat a loved one. How I interpret that in my moments of self care:
* Sharing thanks with others leading with the love languages I speak – not just specifically the love languages they speak
* Reveling in small projects for myself and/or indulgences in trivial things, whether alone or with others
* Instead of journaling directly, finding outlets to talk with others (online or IRL) about what I’d like to process
You’re welcome 🙂 I love your insight of treating yourself as you would treat a loved one as well as the specificities of what works for you: showing gratitude with the fitting love language, reveling in not so small “small” things, and talking to people in real life. Love it!