How to deal with YOUR “big feelings” at work?

Before I go any further: let’s define what “big feelings” are. While it’s a phrase that has gotten popularized in the gentle parenting world and in some parts of the general lexicon, people who don’t have kids or don’t know – just don’t know.

Big feelings are intense emotions that quickly burst up reflexively and can include strong feelings of anger, offense, rejection, hurt, and such.

These big feelings can arise because of a certain situation, person(s), or thing that is just not working out or perhaps there is even conflict.  So if you are a human being who has a job AND works with other living breathing human beings, I’m willing to bet big money that you’ve had big feelings at work before. I know I have.

Unlike a child who has both big feelings and a gentle parent (or two) closeby to soothe these feelings, you are just left with big feelings AND the colleague, client, manager, or situation that is stirring up these big feelings. So what can you do in these situations so that you don’t totally lose your cool on the outside and remain professional while you’re roiling on the inside?

Here are 3 steps to deal with your big feelings:

First: Do NOT invalidate your big feelings – look: the world can be an invalidating place as it is with imposter syndrome, cancel culture, and gaslighting. Your feelings are a big deal – to you! So please do not invalidate them because if you keep invalidating what you feel, sooner or later you will develop a mistrust of yourself because feelings are just messengers of what is important. If you keep dismissing the messenger then you will never hear the important message.Learn to listen to the message.

Next: Acknowledge your big feelings – instead of invalidating your big feelings with “it’s no big deal” or “I shouldn’t feel that way” (aka “shoulding” all over yourself), acknowledge that no matter how petty, silly, stupid, illogical, futile, hopeless, or helpless the big feeling may be, that feeling is here for now. By the way, have you noticed: every time you should all over yourself, who does it sound like? I am also willing to bet the shoulding is in another voice other than your own.

What can you do instead? Maybe you can:

• Say to yourself “Yep I feel intensely feeling words right now, like I can insert an action or something that the Hulk would say or do.” E.g.: “Yep, I feel intensely pissed off right now, like I can smash a car with my giant oversized green fists.”
• Focus on your breathing. Literally – notice the feeling of the air coming in and out of your nostril five times. Then notice your big feeling and tell it – “I notice that you are here.”
• Write your big feeling out on a piece of paper, cradle it in your hands – like a little bird with broken wings. Tell it: “Yes I know you want to fly but for now you are here.”
• Or find other ways to acknowledge what you feel