Conflict – it is in the water we swim in and the air we breath in the world right now. Whether it is in international multigenerational conflicts that result in wars to violence among neighbors to disagreement with family, friends, or coworkers.
These examples are not meant to scare you but to state that various forms of conflict, tension, and rupture exist.
Yet, what is conflict really about? People can cite context from different perspectives: historic, intergenerational, cultural, economic, etc.
As a coach who helps leaders and organizations navigate through conflict without giving up their compassion or critical thinking, I want to offer a different perspective on conflict. Perhaps even contrarian.
Let’s start with what conflict is NOT about.
To me, conflict is not about:
- Right/wrong thinking – “I am right and you are wrong”
- Determination of good and bad – “This person is good and that person is bad”
- Dominating over – “I need to use power or force to get what I want”
- Or conversely being steamrolled over – “I need to compromise or give in to keep the peace”
While these types of thinking tend to come up when conflict arises, it is not actually what conflict is about. These are conditioned frameworks to think about conflict that is constricting – it naturally narrows down the field and says:
- It is my way or the highway
- This is black or white
- We can only turn left or turn right because there is no other way
Now that I’ve defined what conflict is not about, let’s look into what conflict IS about.
To me, conflict is about information:
- What was working, no longer works. Hence the conflict arises.
- There has been an external shift. In the case of the workplace the market has changed. This includes things such as client needs, competition, regulations, etc.
- There has been in internal shift. In the case of the workplace there maybe non-aligned priorities, revised goals, leadership change, lack of access to resources, etc.
When I start seeing conflict as information and specifically as information that points to what is not working in a system, then I can relax a bit because I start to:
- Depersonalize the issues – it no longer is me vs them, he, or she. It’s information about a gap that exists. I start to take it less personally and know that it’s not just me feeling frustrated or trapped in the situation.
- Get curiosity – this is information about something that is not working, I wonder what does work? I start to ask questions. I wonder what I really care about and value and I ask myself: how can I get closer to what I want?
It’s easy to see conflict as “bad” but when I choose to see conflict as “information” I can see the world through a different lens. Of course I am still colored by my conditioning and lived experience but I can loosen the grip of conflict on me, even if it is a tiny bit.
How about you? What do you think conflict IS? What do you think conflict IS NOT?
I would love to know.