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It’s Not About the Nail – really it isn’t: how reflective listening can help you feel like you’re not playing a game of catch by yourself.

One of the oldies but goodies is this “It’s Not About the Nail” video. Watch it – it’s a viral classic! It’s a fun video whether you are commiserating with the woman or the man in the video, or just laughing out loud at the sheer ridiculousness of the nail/not nail situation.

When I watch this video, I see two people playing a game of catch by themselves instead of with each other – which is what conversations really are: a game of catching the ball between 2 or more people.

Communication is about person A throwing the ball to person B. Person B has to catch the ball BEFORE throwing the same or different ball back to person A and then the pattern repeats. Sometimes the pattern changes where person B starts the ball throwing.

Regardless of who throws the ball first the important idea is this: in order to keep the game going and fun, the receiver has to CATCH THE BALL before throwing the same or different ball to the giver. If person B does not catch the original ball then person A can feel not heard, angry, disappointed, annoyed, or whatever the feeling may be of not getting their needs met.

So when the man in the video proceeds to “fix” things, he is not catching the same ball that she is throwing. If you look at the conversation from a ball throwing analogy this is what is happening:

Woman: It’s just there is all this pressure, you know. Sometimes it feels like it’s right up on me…

  • Throws the ball at the man – the ball is about how bad she feels, all the emotions, and difficulties she is going through

Man: Yeah…you do have a nail on the head…

  • Does not catch the original ball she threw. He doesn’t let her know that he heard her – how bad she feels, all the emotions and difficulties she is going through
  • In addition to not catching the ball (of I am having emotions and a tough time) he is actually throwing her a new ball: look honey, this is issue

Woman: It’s not about the nail

  • Is mad that he did not catch the emotions/tough times ball and is throwing the new issues ball. This takes the attention away from what she cares about and wants to focus on

Man: Are you sure? Because, I bet, if we get it out of there –

  • Continues to throw the solutions AND he adds in a new ball – solutions

Woman: Stop trying to fix it!

  • Is now officially mad that not only the original emotions/tough times ball was dropped but now he is continuing to throw 2 new balls at her: issues and solutions. Grrrrr!!!!

I hope this ball throwing analogy gives you a different way of looking at this and other conversations in your life. While this is a hilarious video that I have watched several times, when it happens in real life it is less funny because all humans want to be seen and heard. So when I do not feel seen or heard by someone I care about then it can feel disconnected and uncared for.

Note that I am not advocating to block the man’s authentic interest in helping the woman. I appreciate his genuine interest and care in wanting to resolve her issues so she can sleep better at night and not get all her sweaters snagged.

I am saying that there is room for authenticity (hey… you have a nail in your head…) AND there is room to catch the ball that someone is throwing at you before you then share with authenticity.

If you noticed the woman kept repeating herself it is because she doesn’t feel heard or understood. This pattern of repeating something is because she is not getting what she is looking for, which is to acknowledge just how tough this situation is and how it is affecting her.

If he can reflect back what she is expressing: “Oh honey, I hear what a tough time you are having with this pressure, so badly that you can barely sleep and it’s affecting your wardrobe,” then she will feel the relief that she is not crazy.

This skill is called reflective listening – when we let the other person know that we actually hear them, instead of nodding along. Then the other person thinks: wow they truly understand me! It gives a person a lot of comfort and relief that they are being heard and not glossed over.

From that space then he becomes her ally/partner instead of a fixer/savior: he can just acknowledge where she is at so the woman can have the mental and emotional spaciousness to actually see the nail in the head. Then they can potentially work together to get the nail out.

Reflective listening is so important because it tells the other person that we really get them and what they are going through. It is one of the foundational pieces of empathy, for we cannot understand if we do not listen.

So next week I want to continue with this situation and take a closer look at empathy: what it is and is not, and the possible ways to give empathy to these two people given this nail/not nail situation.

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A playful exercise to reconnect when it feels like the romantic spark is gone

Maybe it’s been several months, years, or even decades but you and your romantic partner are “just fine.” You both wake up in the morning, go to work, come back home to the routine of eating dinner, personal care, maybe watch some tv or read a book, and then go to bed. You don’t even have children to take care of but you don’t spend a lot of time together as a couple.

This is so unlike the beginning of your relationship when you couldn’t wait to be together – there was this undeniable romantic spark between you two. The activity can be as mundane as making dinner, an affectionate touch, or just laughing or commiserating about your day. There was such attraction, excitement, and longing for each other.

What happened? You don’t quite know but it seems like the spark is gone.

Friends tell you: you can’t stay wildly attracted to someone forever.

Self help books tell you: spice up your life with certain sexy practices or doing adventurous things together.

The situation isn’t calling for therapy because you’re not really in conflict or arguing.

It’s just blah.

While I am not a romantic relationship expert, I am a coach who helps people who struggle to be authentic and connected in their relationships. I know that being authentic and connecting deeply to ourselves first helps to connect authentically and deeply with another person. Without filling our cups first it is hard to fill other people’s cups. We cannot give what we don’t have.

Given this scenario I just described I want to share an exercise that can help you connect with yourself and then your partner in a more fun, heartfelt, and exploratory way. Hint: it involves connecting with ourselves first and then sharing what we got. Give yourselves 20 minutes or so.

  • First find a place where you both can sit or be still for a bit. Have paper and pen closeby.
  • Close your eyes, take 3 deep breaths.
  • Bring to mind a younger version of you: a child who is taken care of and nourished. Sit in that space for a bit and feel that care and nourishment.
  • Looking back, what did the younger you enjoy doing, eating, or experiencing? Maybe you loved picnics, trucks, playing dress up, splashing in puddles, or playing with animals. Maybe you can group it by different stages: what you enjoyed in elementary school, middle school, high school, or even college.
  • Whatever it is just quickly write the things you enjoyed and loved doing down. Don’t stop, don’t think, and just let your hands flow. Give yourself time to write it all down.
  • When both of you are done writing – look at each other. Really look at each other and see if each of you look any different after connecting with what was fun for each person.
  • Then share what was fun to the younger you. See where there are overlaps or are differences.
  • Then for the next 3 weeks go on dates and do 2 things a week together: one thing from your list and one thing from your partner’s list.
  • After each activity, share how it was for each of you.

The point is not that you have to enjoy the same things as a couple but to share things that you like and enjoy with someone you care about – to have shared experience and quality time as a couple. I hope this exercise helps you connect with what brings you joy and play while sharing it with someone you love.

If you tried this exercise I would love to hear how it was for you and your partner.

Take care,

Nancy

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When all the tools in your toolbox does not help in dealing with breakup and heartache

One of the reasons why clients come to work with me is because they are really struggling after a breakup.

Here they are: a competent professional at work – running meetings and projects seamlessly, giving presentations and feedback in a professional and thoughtful manner, and holding team members accountable to projects and timelines effectively. Yet when the workday finally ends, their mind turns back to the breakup.

The break up could have happened a few weeks or a few months ago, it could have been with a partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse but similar thoughts appear:

  • “What could I have done differently so that it wouldn’t have ended so badly?”
  • “If I did this specific action at this specific point of our relationship then maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now.”
  • “What did I do wrong?” Or even: “What is wrong with me?”

The usual tools of logic, strategy, problem solving, and diligence – all the wonderful ways that earned them recognition and rewards in their careers are not helping at all in the situation of heartache

I want to acknowledge that these people have many amazing tools for their professional jobs but when it comes to breakups and heartaches, they are using the wrong tool for the wrong job.

  • Breakups are not logical.
  • Emotions cannot be strategized
  • Relationships are not problems to be solved.
  • And being diligent doesn’t mean things will necessarily get better.

It can feel frustrating, stuck, or exhausting to find that none of the usual ways of dealing with problems are working for heartache. It’s like when all I have is a hammer then everything looks like a nail.

I first want to acknowledge with compassion that this is such a tough place to be in: to find a part of our life that is just not working when we are so competent in other parts of our lives. It is challenging our identity: who we are, what we are capable of, and what we can do about it.

Next I want to encourage the person to acknowledge how hard it is physically and mentally on the body to replay these thoughts while still carrying on as usual at work or with friends and family. Because it already has been weeks or months since the break up, they think no one wants to hear about it anymore so they have to wear a happy face/ it’s ok mask to get through the day, even when it’s not how they feel.

I don’t have one solution for this because there is no one size fits all to something that is this deeply important and intimate. I am not a romantic relationship coach but I do know that the tools of analysis and looking outside to what was done (or not done) are not going to work. Because if these tools did then the mind loops would have already stopped.

New tools are needed. Tools to develop stronger inner connection so one can weather the storms of relationships and appreciate the possibilities. We can analyze the outside world but we only have so much influence over it. What’s happening inside of us is something that is more influenceable because we are literally with ourselves 24/7 while we cannot be with anyone else all the time.

In addition to the tools of logic, strategy, problem solving, and diligence, here are some new tools of inner connection that one can add to their toolbox:

  • Self awareness
  • Compassion
  • Communication
  • Rest
  • Play
  • Nourishing connections

These all can help ease and comfort a broken heart yet in some ways these tools are more amorphous and uncomfortable. For example: how can I rest when I have so much to do – plus during the down time all these thoughts and feelings come back?! How can I have compassion for myself when I am wallowing in confusion, sadness, anger, and all these other icky feelings?

It will take time and practice to learn these tools.

Even if you are a busy person it is worth doing so.

Because if you do not, it’s like driving down a highway with a windshield caked with splattered bugs. You’re so anxious to get to where you want to go, you don’t want to slow down and clean the windshield because it will take time and effort. The reality is that if you clean your windshield you’ll get more visibility of the surroundings and get to where you want to go easier. If you keep driving with the splattered windshield you’ll have to squint more and it makes getting where you want to go harder.

I help clients become aware of and access these new tools by exploring their inner connection and what qualities they want to strengthen. Once they find out what really works for themselves then they can bring what works to their relationships, even if it ends up in a break up.

If you are interested in learning more about working with me I invite you email me at hello@pannapanya.com.

Take care,

Nancy

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Why the “feedback sandwich” doesn’t work and what can help

Giving feedback can be nerve wracking whether it’s for professional or personal reasons. Yet it is the core of figuring out what works and doesn’t work in any interpersonal relationship.

The idea of sitting across from someone to tell them what is “wrong” can induce sweaty palms, anxiety, or sleeplessness because bad news is both hard to give and receive. It’s especially nerve wracking to give “negative” feedback as a new manager or to give feedback to someone in a more senior role.

You may not only wonder what happens during the feedback session but what will happen afterward: Will it be awkward or demotivating? How will it affect the working relationship? How do I continue to make small talk or get to know about their weekends when I have given them negative feedback?

Your manager or HR department may give you some guidelines or techniques to give feedback. One technique in the professional world for giving feedback is the feedback sandwich. It is a way to give “negative” feedback that is sandwiched in between “positive” feedback.

A brief example would be: “John (positive feedback) you are a great team player with a lot of enthusiasm but (negative feedback) your presentation skills needs to be worked on and (positive feedback) you have good follow through on urgent matters.” During the course of this feedback discussion the manager would dive deeper into each of the items.

I truly believe that the feedback sandwich does not work.

Why?

1. If you or your organization hired someone because of their skills, gifts, talents, and potential then that person probably knows what you want to do: give them “negative” feedback. So to use this method doesn’t honor this original intent and hides it between things that are not at the core of what you are trying to do.

2. A feedback sandwich is disjointed in nature and for many people it is confusing to receive disconnected communication. It’s like: “Oooh I love your shoes! Wow, that dog is so cute! Oh I want to talk about and admire your shoes again.” It’s jarring to switch back and forth and then back again between different topics.

Note that I am not against giving both “positive” and “negative” feedback in one discussion, what I am against is this toggling technique which is misleading and discombobulating.

3. For whose sake is the manager doing the feedback sandwich for? I am guessing that even though the feedback giver is a manager, they are still human and it feels uncomfortable to share information that is seen as “negative” and they don’t want to be the “bad person.” If that is true, then using the feedback sandwich is not for the sake of the receiver but rather it is to relieve the giver’s sense of discomfort or unease.

So if you are aligned with me that the feedback sandwich method can be confusing and disconnected, then what does work?

Now the topic of feedback can and does fill many, many, many business, professional, and communications books. So I want to give you a small taste of a different way to start the feedback process: by first checking in with yourself.

 

Here is a brief 5 minute exercise you can try prior to starting the feedback process:

  • First find a place where you can sit or be still for a bit. Have paper and pen closeby. Close your eyes, take 3 deep breaths.
  • Notice what thoughts or feelings are coming up for you about this feedback process.
  • Maybe it’s agitation, uncomfortableness, or fear about giving “negative” feedback. Maybe it’s relief, anger, or excitement. Whatever it is, let it be – you don’t have to fix anything.
  • Maybe it’s thoughts of “I don’t like to do this, but I’m their manager and it’s my job”, or “I look forward to finally telling them what’s wrong!”, or “Let’s just get this over with!” Whatever it is, let it be – you don’t have to fix anything.
  • When you finish noticing your feelings or thoughts, open your eyes, and write them down.
  • Take a look at what you wrote and fully acknowledge that you are bringing all these things to the feedback process.
  • Can you acknowledge that as a manager you are human too and there is a lot going on for you?
  • From this place start thinking or planning the feedback you want to give and the way you want to give it.

I am going to pause here now. Of course the feedback process has many more steps following this and this article is not meant to be a comprehensive guide to feedback giving.

The goal of this exercise is to start the feedback process by acknowledging what a person can consciously or unconsciously bring along. With this understanding, then the feedback giver can decide whether to use the feedback sandwich method or start thinking about ways to give and receive feedback that is more humanizing for both the giver and the receiver.

Sharing “negative” feedback is not easy and if you are doing it then good luck. If you did try this exercise I would love to learn how it went for you. Alternatively if you found a certain feedback technique to be effective, share them with me.

If you are curious to learn more about my perspectives and ways to create deeper inner and interpersonal connections then I invite you to follow panna panya on LinkedIn or sign up for my newsletter here.

Take care,

Nancy

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Hello and an introduction to coach Nancy Li from panna panya

Hello my name is Nancy Li and I am a coach who helps high achieving professionals who struggle to connect in their interpersonal relationships. I want to share more about who I work with and how I coach and support them.

Let’s start with some definitions – interpersonal relationships could be friendships, parental, romantic, or work relationships because in all these circumstances there is an interconnection between two or more people.

For high achieving professionals, they tend to excel in situations in which the rules of engagement are pretty defined, such as the work environment. Since they are rational, strategic, diligent, and great at problem solving they are seen as competent managers and leaders who manage projects, people, teams, or businesses.

However, in interpersonal relationships there are not always clear rules of engagement. Sometimes these connections can be ambiguous or open ended and engaging in these situations may require vulnerability with the possibility of rejection. Examples would be an evolving friendship or romantic relationship, shifting to a caretaker role in a parent-child relationship, or not getting along with a new manager or co-worker who has a different communication style and ways of working.

So these situations can create some disconnection and confusion, especially when the usual tools of logic, rationality, and trying harder aren’t working. Additionally there is a tendency to focus on the outer perspectives: how can I get other people to do the things I want or how can I fix this situation? These are all external facing lenses to look at an uncertain situation. Sometimes it feels like one has to put on a facade or be perfect to be accepted.

I believe it is not sufficient to take an outer perspective in any interpersonal relationship because it doesn’t factor in the humanity of the person who is struggling. Because of this belief, that is why I help high achieving professionals connect better in interpersonal relationships by helping them establish stronger inner connections through their inner child.

My work is based on 3 principles:

  • Many approaches tend to focus on what doesn’t work and that doesn’t work. For example: “They are the problem”, “This is not working out”, or “I feel stuck”. In my approach we uncover and focus on what does works for you.
  • Connecting with the inner child is a way to connect to the self with tenderness and care.
  • Focusing on the smallest next steps, instead of big leaps, will help you get closer to how you would like to be in your interpersonal relationships.

Before I go on any further, since the words “inner child” has gotten pretty popular nowadays let me share another definition so we can be on the same page. The inner child is not the hurt younger you that you want to go back in time and rescue. There are therapy modalities that do that and I am not a therapist. The inner child is also not the younger you who had the best time of your life and now you want to recapture that moment.

My definition of the inner child is that when we are nourished and well taken care of as a young being then certain qualities innately bubble up inside us. Qualities like openness, wonder, play, warmth, connection, and purpose.I believe that as adults many of us have lost this connection to our inner child. Why? Because of what culture, society, and roles tells us who we have to be in order to be acceptable, cared for, or loved.

So given this definition and belief, I work with clients who are seeking to have stronger, less confusing, and more connected interpersonal relationships by first grounding deeply in their own inner connection through the inner child.

As a coach I:

  • Hold a safe, structured, and topic-focused space to explore and connect with your inner child
  • Support your discovery of what qualities are important to you
  • Help you find the smallest next steps to cultivate or uncover more of these qualities in your life

I have walked on this path before. I have done each exercise and found them to be personally impactful. Others have too and this is why I share them with you.

If you think what I am sharing resonate with something in your life then share this article and link to sign up for my newsletter here. If you have any comments or questions then please share them below.

Take care,

Nancy

Nancy Li: coach, teaching artist, and trainer
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Inner Stone Soup: bringing it all together

Hi everyone, 

This is the last part – part five of the inner Stone Soup story. So by this time after everyone finished eating soup, the villagers and travelers started cleaning up. As the travelers started to pack up and head out again, one of the villagers even asked to keep the stone so they can make soup in the future.

So in summary, the inner Stone Soup lessons that I wanted to share with you are: 

  1. Sometimes we treat ourselves as a stranger and can shut doors in our own faces.
  2. When it is a bit sticky or difficult, we can start where we are.
  3. Sometimes we can feel like a fool, take a risk, and not know how it turns out.
  4. And finally when we have inner connection and are generous to ourselves, we can make something beautiful with our different parts. 

 

I hope you enjoyed the story and these inner lessons. I wonder which of the inner lessons that you appreciate the most or which segment of the story resonated the most with you?

For me, I really loved it when the villagers started to chip in and help the travelers. It’s sometimes easy to avoid and not want to engage but when something in me feels full and I want to give, it’s a really nice feeling. I love the kindness and start of something really beautiful in this story. 

What is your favorite part of the Inner Stone Soup story? 

Leave a comment below and let me know.

Take care.

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Inner Stone Soup: making something beautiful with generosity

Hello everyone, 

This is the fourth part of the inner Stone Soup story. 

At the end of the last part, more and more villagers became curious, came to the travelers, and gave different ingredients such as spices, onions, parsnips, beans, and even meat. As the delicious soup aroma wafted throughout the village, more villagers joined. They began to talk about the best soup they ever ate, where they ate it, and when is the best time to eat soup. After a while, the soup was done! 

“Let’s eat!” said the travelers. 

Each villager brought their own bowls and everyone ate soup. They agreed: this is the best soup they ever had! 

This is where I’m going to pause and say that similar to how the villagers became curious, contributed to the soup, and connected with the travelers and each other in a communal way – when we have inner connection and can be generous with ourselves, we could also make something very beautiful. 

So my example is during a 10 day silent meditation retreat, I was really able to get stillness with myself. I can sense a stronger inner connection and when I got to a very quiet place unexpectedly, beautiful children’s stories came to me. After the retreat I decided to see if I could share these stories with the world and self publish. It took me over a year and here it is – I think it’s beautiful! 

So I am curious if you experienced inner connection and generosity? When you did, what beautiful things came from it? These beautiful things could be external or internal. Leave a comment below. 

Take care.

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Inner Stone Soup: looking like a fool and taking a risk

This is the third part of the inner Stone Soup story, where I reflect on the meaning behind the fable. 

So at this point after getting doors shut in their faces, the travelers decided to take the smallest next step of borrowing a pot, gathering firewood, drawing water, and getting a stone. 

As they were washing the stone, a villager got curious and stopped by. 

“What are you doing?” the villager asked. 

             “Oh we are making stone soup,” replied the traveler. 

             “What is stone soup?”

“You know: soup with water and stone”

             “Yuck that does not sound tasty! At least put some salt in it.” 

“Would you happen to have any salt you can spare?” 

              “Yes, I do.” 

The villager gave them some salt and left. 

As the travelers started to build a fire, another villager saw them and stopped by. 

             “Hi, what are you doing?” 

“We are making stone soup.” 

             “What’s in it?”

“Stone, water, and a bit of salt.”

             “Wow, that is barely broth! At least put some potatoes in it.”

“Oh, can you share some with us?” 

            “Yes, here you go.” 

Then as the travelers began to boil the water in the pot, another villager stopped by. 

            “What are you making?” 

“We’re making stone soup. For now it has stone, water, salt, and some potatoes.”

You can imagine how the rest of the story goes on 🙂 

I’m pausing here to say that at the beginning when the travelers were making soup with literally just stone and water, they looked like fools. Yet they’re trying something different. 

So let me ask you this: have you ever been stuck, felt foolish, and yet took a risk and yet not know how it will work out? For example, I was part of a team that had low morale and toxic culture. I wanted to help but didn’t know what to do. I was a middle manager and I felt foolish to think that I have all the ingredients to bring about change on this team. So when a new team leader took over, I took a risk: I went to her to talk to her about the current situation and the need to build a new culture together. Surprisingly, she was willing to consider my ideas, partnered with me to gather the ingredients with other team members to transform the team to something we can all enjoy and contribute each of our special ingredients to.  

How about you? Have you ever been stuck, felt inadequate or foolish, and took a risk even though you don’t know how it will work out? Let me know in the comments below. 

Take care.

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Inner Stone Soup: start where you are

Hello everyone,

This is the second part of the inner Stone Soup story, where I tell it inside out. 

After the travelers knocked on many doors and got the doors closed in their faces, they didn’t know what to do. So they looked around and decided to start where they were. First, they borrowed a cooking pot from a villager, on scout’s honor to return it. Then they gathered firewood in the nearby forest, drew water from a river, and found a decent sized stone. 

This is where I pause the story and point out that when we are at odds or in a sticky situation, it is easy to be overwhelmed and not know what to do. 

In this story the travelers focused on the basics. They assessed what they needed, what skills, talents, and experiences they have, and took the smallest next steps they could to take to make a meal.

When you are stuck, what are some smallest next steps that you take? For example, one evening I was working and had no idea what to make for dinner. So I took the smallest next step and took a look at my refrigerator. Then I thought about what I enjoy. Based on what I had and what I enjoy eating, I was able to put together a decent dinner. 

I know that this is an easy example, so I am curious about you. Can you share about the time when you made the best of what you have? What smallest next step did you take? I would love your input in the comments section. 

Take care. 

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Hello and the start of Inner Stone Soup

Hello and the start of Inner Stone Soup

Hello everyone. 

My name is Nancy from paññā panya, and over the next few weeks I am here to share with you one of my favorite childhood fables: Stone Soup. The twist here is that we will be taking an inside out perspective.

Let’s start: once upon a time, there were two travelers who were tired and hungry. They saw a village and decided to ask for food. 

As they knocked on each door, these are the responses they got: 

  • “I don’t have any food. Go away.” Door shuts.
  • “We already have enough mouths to feed!” Door closes.
  • “What do you think I am? Rich?” Door slams.

This is where I’m going to pause and share with you that in different versions of this fable the travelers are sometimes women, men, or even soldiers coming back from war. Regardless, they are strangers knocking on doors.

Let me ask you this.  Have you ever needed something and closed the door on your own face? Have you ever treated yourself like a stranger?

For example, maybe you are really hungry. But another part says, “Stop being such a pig! We will eat later.”  Or maybe you’re feeling tired and want to take a break. Another part of you jumps in and says, “You’re being really lazy right now. Let’s finish this first before we take a break.”

So have you ever closed the door to your own face? And if you have let me know in the comment. I would love to know about it. 

Take care.

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Hello and welcome to paññā panya!

paññā (which means insight or wisdom in Pāli) panya (which means bakery in Japanese) creates stories to help your child or you connect with the inner child(dren) and explore how to live a more wonderful life together. 

Whether you are 8, 38, or 80 years old, we all have an inner child who needs love, nourishment, and care. 

paññā panya is a creative organization that is currently creating the “Let’s Be” children’s picture book series for children ages 6-9 featuring the vole. Like and/or follow paññā panya to stay connected as we share more about the vision 🙂 

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