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When you don’t even realized your cup is empty and a way to fill it

Have you ever been in a situation that you don’t even realize that you were running on empty?

In my case it was hosting my parent in my home for five days. I cleaned the house, asked them what they want to do, asked them what they want to eat, planned activities, did many activities with them, and did my best to make sure they had a pleasant time visiting me.

The first hour after they left: I congratulated myself on a job well done of being a good host and having an enjoyable time with each other.

Then 6 hours later: my body was restless and kept wanting to tidy up the house, my mind felt foggy, and the same thoughts kept running in my head over and over again.

I was running on empty even and I didn’t even know it.

Isn’t it interesting how in wanting my parents to have a good time, I forgot about myself?

I see this in the workplace too – high achieving professionals so focused, excited, or determined to get to their goals or get things done that they don’t realize they were running on empty until their body tells them to stop or their mind replays the same thoughts over and over again.

In our go-go-go ethos plus a level of uncertainty in the world, often times the solution is to do more. This results in running on fumes: doable in the short term but not healthy in the long term.

I want everyone to have more ease and effectiveness in their lives. For when our cups are full, beautiful things can spill out.

Here are a way to fill your own cup: inner empathy.

How often do we give empathy to others but we don’t give it to ourselves? Hence “empathy fatigue.”

To me, inner-empathy is asking a friend, partner, or anyone to do this: listen to me for 15 minutes without them sharing any analysis, advice, or commiseration. Instead, they purely do this:

  • Reflect back what they heard – “I hear that you are working on 5 things at the same time and have no time for yourself.”
  • Guess what you are feeling or needing – “Are you feeling exhausted? Do you need some understanding?”

It’s amazing what can happen when someone is there for me without wanting to fix anything: me, the other person, or the situation. A spaciousness opens for me to focus on what’s important. This is deeply connecting and rejuvenating.

Then when I head out into the world again I am anchored: yes I want my parents to have a good time when visiting me AND I want to nourish myself too.

It’s not an either/or.

It is a yes and.

I can only respond with an authentic yes and when my cup is full. Everything else is a yes but and I want to stop but-ing into people.

 

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Nancy Li is a coach who helps high achieving professionals create toolkits to fill their own cups, get past difficult situations, and get to their goals.

Sign up for her weekly newsletter here: https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

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Putting it all together – a toolkit to help you navigate through difficult situations and get to your goals (5 of 5)

When you were a child and would go on a field trip with your school, you would pack a bookbag with food for lunch, water, snacks, a book or toys. When you go on vacation you would pack a suitcase full of all the things you need for a trip: shirt, pants, underwear, shoes, lotion, toothpaste, toothbrush, and such, you too need a toolkit when you know you are walking into difficult situations.

Because to not pack the bookbag for the child you or suitcase for the adult you would result in a pretty miserable experiences you would end up be the starving kid at lunch eyeballing the food of other kids or not brushing your teeth for days, yuck!

Similarly, when we know that we are going to head into a difficult situation or perhaps we are already in one – to not have a toolkit that helps you handle the challenging situations means you have less probability of getting through and then less chance of you getting to your goals whether it is professional or personal.

I am not saying that having a toolkit is the silver bullet or the holy grail, but not having a toolkit  greatly reduces the possibilities of you:

  • Getting to your goal

  • Being less stressed and more centered in difficult situations

  • Liking yourself as you are mired in challenging times

We all dislike conflict and tension but to totally ignore the elephant in the room means that that the elephant will continue to grow until it starts to rampage. So I encourage you to start thinking:

  • What kind of tools do I need in my toolkit to help me get through this in one piece?

  • What I value or care deeply about?

  • How do I treat myself well and the other person well in this tough situation?

There is no one right answer because we are all different and unique beings with our own lived experiences, preferences, blind spots, triggers, strengths, and skills. To build a toolkit, one needs to experiment – put that Sherlock Holmes detective hat or the scientist lab coat and try different things that work for you. It takes care and practice to find what truly works for you. Somethings may work well in certain situation and less so in other situations.

Part of it is also building trust in ourselves – that this toolkit enable me to be stay curious and trying different tools even when the situation is tough. If all we have is a hammer then everything is a nail and we pretty soon start pounding everything with the hammer even if the situation is fragile and can break easily. Perhaps the situation calls for a screwdriver or a saw instead and when we learn to use this tool skillfully but not perfectly, we now expand the possibilities for ourselves, the situation, and also the others person sitting across from us.

I want everyone to have possibilities that bring each person closer to their goals, to what they want, to what makes them feel alive and fulfilled. That is why having a toolkit for you to step more confidently and compassionately into difficult situations is so important.

Missed the start of this Befriending the Elephant in the Meeting Room articles series? No problem, start reading from the beginning here. 

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Nancy Li helps leaders and teams create toolkits to get past difficult situations, increase collaboration, and get to their goals

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Principle #3: make micro adjustments via feedback

Imagine you’re a captain of a ship setting sail from London, United Kingdom to the United States. You know that where you set your destination matters, for a 4 degree difference in navigation determines if you end up in New York City or Miami. It determines if you are still wearing your winter jacket or sipping a beverage on a sunny warm beach.

That is the power of micro adjustments. As the ship launches from one dock and before it lands into the other dock, it is constantly making micro adjustments.

Why? Because the tide, waves, wind, sun, weight of the boat, number of passengers, amount of cargo, wear and tear on the machinery, etc. all of these factor in the ability of the whole ship to make it from one place to another.

Because of all these factors and that a ship is huge and heavy, micro adjustments have to be made constantly: maybe it’s throttling back when the waves are tough, maybe it’s full speed ahead through the calm sea, maybe it’s changing course a bit to avoid collision with an object or another ship.

Huge and heavy things cannot be changed instantaneously. If you tried to change direction on a large ship, it will likely stall or tip over and sink.

Similarly, huge and heavy things such as conflict (aka the elephant in the conference room) cannot be changed instantaneously. Micro adjustments are needed to turn around tough situations, strong opinions, or adversarial relationships.

 

Unlike a ship, you cannot throttle the engine or push through to navigate through conflict. But us humans have a far more exquisite and remarkable way to do micro adjustments: through feedback.

If hearing the word feedback makes you cringe or flashback of terror, I understand because feedback has been used unskillfully, ineffectively, and even harmfully at time. (FYI I do not recommend the feedback sandwich technique.)

To me, feedback is a gift – it’s a way of truly knowing what is working and working for someone, including myself. Without feedback we are stuck in our vacuums, blind spots, and monologue stories. With feedback we get to understand what others see that we cannot see, we get to share what we see and others cannot.

Feedback is like touching an elephant.

There once was a merchant who brought back an elephant to the village. The villagers have never encountered an elephant before. In the village there were three blind people and they were curious about the elephant too. The first blind person touched the ear and said: “Aha! An elephant is like a fan that I can wave and cool myself with.” The second person touched the tail and said: “No, no, no! You got it wrong, an elephant is like a rope that I can tie things with.” The third person touched the tail and said: “No, you’re both wrong! An elephant is like a tree trunk that I can lean on.” The three people yelled, argued, and screamed about who was right and wrong. This is where the story ends.

The reality is that they were all right: they each touch upon a different part of the large complex elephant and have different perspectives.

The reality is that they were all wrong: they each only touch upon a different part of the large complex elephant and cannot comprehend the enormity of the entire animal.

I like to imagine a different ending where each blind person shared their perspective and put together a weird looking animal that is a cross between a fan, rope, and trunk. Kinda something a second grader would draw 🙂 Still not the elephant but much closer to one than before.

Learn more about putting all the principles in play here. 

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Nancy Li helps leaders and managers create a toolkit to navigate through conflict and reach their goals.

Learn more here: https://pannapanya.com/

Sign up for the weekly Befriending the Elephant newsletter here: https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

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Principle #2: compassion the the most intelligent (and cheapest) strategy

We often think that to get to our goals, our strategies have to be big, complex, and grand.

Yet sometimes compassion is the most effective, intelligent, and cheapest strategy.

This is a story that friend once told me: he was working in a construction company as a foreman. They were on a project with tight timelines and hard physical labor to literally build a building with little heavy machinery.

By the end of the first day everyone was tired. He called for the end of the work day and everyone piled into the minivan to be driven back to pick up and drop off location. As my friend was driving, he just cared – he cared about the tough physical labor that his team had to go through and he cared about the project and having to go back to the job site again early next morning.

With that care and compassion in his heart, he pulled over to a convenience store, went in, and bought five bottles of beer with his own money. Even though the workers were tired, they perked up a bit at the sight of him walking back with a bag of beer. They sat in the parking lot, cracked open the beers, took a long slow swig, and drank in silence as the heaviness of the say sat with them. After a bit of chitchatting and drinking, they piled back into the minivan.

My friend can feel the energy of the car picked up even though everyone was tired. The next day everyone showed up on time in the early morning to pile into the minivan to go to the job site again for another day of hard labor.

As my friend says: compassion is the most intelligent and cheapest strategy.

Five bottles of beer costs a few dollars. The motivation, camaraderie, and care that the people on the team experienced fueled each and everyone of them to continuously show up and do the project.

It allowed my friend to go beyond the foreman role and the other people to be just workers. It allowed a different way for the project to continue.

However if we are using compassion to manipulate, if we actually don’t feel the compassion, then it won’t work.

It’s the realization that we are all human and here is something we can share together because I care.

If you give something too big then it is a bribe, if you give something too small then it is ineffective.

Five beers was enough to be compassionately intelligent.

This is principle #2 of befriending the elephant in the conference room: the more compassion you have for yourself and the other person in conflict, the more roles and pathways you create for people to contribute with increasing effectiveness.

Read about the next principle here. 

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Hi! I am Nancy Li – the coach, trainer, and speaker who you call on when you conflict gets in the way of you reaching your goals. I help leaders and managers navigate through conflict situations to reach their goals with their humanity intact.

Learn more about what I do here: https://pannapanya.com/

Stay in touch with me by subscribing to the Befriending the Elephant newsletter where I share how you can navigate through conflict in a different way https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

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Principle #1 to befriending the elephant in the conference room: connect the human mind with the animal body (Part 2 of 5)

Here are two conflicts with different outcomes:

Conflict #1:

A friend said something insulting to you over Saturday lunch. Your other friend noticed your reaction and told you that the other person didn’t mean it and to let it go. You keep thinking about it as you head home, as you read a book to de-stress from the week, as you cook dinner, as you eat dinner, as you go to bed, and you’re still thinking about this insulting thing 24 hours later during Sunday lunch.

Conflict #2:

Two dogs see each other at the park, start growling, and escalate to barking and nipping at each other. The owners tell them to stop fighting and they pull apart after a bit more tussling. Afterwards, they each shake their whole body from head to tail. Five minutes later one dog lolls over to the other dog with a “do you want to play?” expression on it’s face. The two dogs start to play.

What’s the difference between the two conflicts?

Some people may say: you can’t compare a dog fight with a human fight because humans are [smarter, more evolved, more complex, etc.] but given that humans and dogs are both animals, what is the difference between the two conflict scenarios?

From my perspective: conflict #1 mainly involved the mind and conflict #2 involved the mind and the body.

While the human mind is amazing in many ways – it has the powers to dream, create goals, plan, predict, and imagine, it can only function well in these domains if it is not hijacked by the animal body. You’ve may have heard of amygdala hijack or the lizard brain (aka the limbic system) where one cannot think clearly under stress.

This is why you cannot think your way out of a conflict.

Sure you can:

  • Rationalize what your high power peer said at the leadership meeting
  • Read a book written by a communication expert and apply the best practices
  • Analyze why the other team is not being collaborative

These are all logical and sensible solutions.

But how can they work when your animal body is going haywire?

Your brain is foggy at the thought of having a 1:1 meeting with the person you’re in conflict with, you’re filled with dread and anxiety about stepping into the next leadership meeting, or you’re having trouble sleeping because your mind is replaying the same issues or solutions over and over and over again.

This is why the first principle to befriending the elephant in the conference room (aka conflict at the workplace) is: the more you connect your human mind to your animal body, the more you unblock your critical thinking skills and reduce anxiety.

To be able to access your critical thinking skills you need to reduce anxiety. To reduce anxiety you need to connect your mind with your body.

If you leave our your human mind out then your plans and communication will be nonsensical and useless.

If you leave your animal body out then you can have the right words but feel dissociated from the situation or lack conviction because your body is running amok.

In a world that keeps telling us that being smart is what matters, how do you start connecting your human mind with your animal body?

Start by noticing where your body holds stress when you are in conflict. Take note of it: how does it feel, where is it on the body, what is the intensity, what size or shape is it?

The first step to connection is awareness.

Read about the next principle here. 

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Nancy Li is the person you want to call when you’re tired of conflict stopping you from reaching your goals at work.

Learn more about what she does: https://pannapanya.com/about/

Sign up for the weekly newsletter so you can get new perspectives and practices to deal with conflict in the workplace: https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

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Principles to befriending the elephant in the conference room (Part 1 of 5): Say hi to the elephant

You’re in a meeting and it literally is going no where. The same topic, that was brought up the last meeting AND the meeting before that AND the meeting before that, is now back on the table. Your peers are saying variations of things that you have heard many many many times before. You have a crystal ball that can accurately predict what phrases and sentences will fall out of each mouth at what time and it is driving you nuts!

You’re tired of sitting at meetings that are not productive, not collaborative, and not moving anything forward. You have a big vision for your team, the business, and clients but why are you stuck in this rut?!

It is because there is an elephant in the conference room and it is ginormous. The elephant that everyone knows about, can smell in the air, and can feel the overwhelming anxiety inducing presence of but no one talks about: conflict.

In the presence of this elephant called conflict, people hold back and bite their tongue. They get nervous and skate around the issues. They focus on optimizing on the one thing that will enable their team to be more effective but don’t have the capacity to take in the bigger picture, as well as the need to optimize that bigger picture. It’s uncomfortable to be the one bringing up these contradictions in logic because it falls on deaf ears.

You are getting frustrated, annoyed, and stressed because your work is dependent on collaborating with others teams but collaboration seems impossible given the elephant in the room.

Here are some strategies you may have tried to deal with this elephant:

  • Fight it with guns blazing with your truth and declarative statements of what is the right thing to do
  • Freeze in front of it because your usual skills in critical thinking is frozen with these repetitive meetings and interactions that don’t lead to a satisfying resolution
  • Ignore it since you’re exhausted from fighting and freezing so you hope someone else will deal with it

Have these worked? If these solutions worked, then you wouldn’t be reading this article.

If these solutions did not work, then let me suggest a different way to deal with this ginormous elephant in the room: befriend it.

Befriend it so that you don’t have to resent yourself or anyone else as this conflict drags on. Befriend it so you can find another path forward in togetherness with your peers and team. Befriend it so you can find new roles for everyone instead of having each person in the box of who they should be.

Start by saying hi to the elephant.

“Ah, but the elephant is so big and I am so tiny, so how in the world can I befriend an elephant?!”

It is possible to befriend elephants with these 3 principles. Note that principles in my world operate in this way: the more X I have, the more Y I have.

Here are the 3 principles to befriend the elephant in your workplace:

  • The more you connect your mind to your animal body, the more you unblock your critical thinking skills and reduce anxiety. 
  • The more compassion you have for yourself and the other person in conflict, the more roles and pathways you create for people to contribute with increasing effectiveness. 
  • The more micro adjustments you make via feedback and communication, the more trust you build which helps you get closer to your goals.

Over the next few weeks I will be diving deeper into each principle so you can learn how to befriend the elephants at the workplace. If you are curious, then say hi to the elephant, hop on, and I’ll demonstrate to you how to ride out conflict with compassion and critical thinking with your peers, team, and management.

Read more about the Principles of Befriending the Elephant in the Meeting Room here. 

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Nancy Li is the person you want to go to when you’re tired of ignoring the elephant in the room.

You can learn more about Nancy and the conflict-centered work that she has done here https://pannapanya.com/about/

Tired of the elephant in your workplace? Email me at nancy@pannapanya.com

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Conflict: your portal to power

What if I told you that conflict is actually the portal to your own leadership power?

That you don’t need to feel frustrated, confused, or pissed off in conflict.

That navigating conflict well – i.e. with your compassion and integrity intact, allows you to be the person you actually like more at the end of the conflict situation, instead of questioning or even being resentful of how you show up in conflict?

Does your rational mind say the following:

  • This is too good to be true
  • Stop selling me fairy tales
  • That’s not how the world works!

My bold belief is this: conflict is a portal to power – yours and whoever is involved in it.

Why?

A portal is a door that takes you from point A to point B.

Which door you, pick determines which destination you end up at.

If you pick a door that has a path that is full of anger, shame, blame, or guilt, guess what? That is what you will be getting more of as you go deeper into conflict.

If you pick a door that has a path that is full of compassion – not only for you but also for “them” (for whoever “they” are because they are also suffering in conflict in their own way), clarity via your critical thinking, and the skills to repair the rupture, then you emerge from conflict a different person.

How can you NOT be a different person if you choose to navigate conflict this way?

It’s similar to choosing between:

  • Pointing out contradictions at a team meeting and not getting support you want OR telling the colleague you are in conflict with that their actions or words have impact on you
  • Bottling it all up and then exploding on the unsuspecting person not related to the conflict whether it is your friend, spouse, kid, or supportive coworker OR making micro adjustments in this conflict situation so you don’t feel trapped or stuck and then explode on others
  • Making it all about us vs them OR getting curious about what is happening on the other side: I wouldn’t do what they are doing… but I wonder what prompts them to do such a thing?

Which door we choose to walk through conflict determines how we walk through conflict. That determines how we emerge on the other side of conflict.

You don’t start big, for you cannot. Conflict is inherently limiting – it constricts possibilities, creativity, and critical thinking.

So start by looking at which doors you have been walking through. Notice what happens when friction comes up and what you do or do not do. Be aware of when tension is in your body or thoughts. Look at your reactions when discomfort arises.

That will show you what door you have been choosing. Start there, for it will lead you closer or further away from your power. Start letting conflict be the portal to your power.

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Nancy Li helps leaders and organizations navigate conflict without giving up on their compassion or critical thinking.

Learn more about Nancy here: https://pannapanya.com/about/

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Conflict: what it really is and isn’t about?

Conflict – it is in the water we swim in and the air we breath in the world right now. Whether it is in international multigenerational conflicts that result in wars to violence among neighbors to disagreement with family, friends, or coworkers.

These examples are not meant to scare you but to state that various forms of conflict, tension, and rupture exist.

Yet, what is conflict really about? People can cite context from different perspectives: historic, intergenerational, cultural, economic, etc.

As a coach who helps leaders and organizations navigate through conflict without giving up their compassion or critical thinking, I want to offer a different perspective on conflict. Perhaps even contrarian.

Let’s start with what conflict is NOT about.

To me, conflict is not about:

  • Right/wrong thinking – “I am right and you are wrong”
  • Determination of good and bad – “This person is good and that person is bad”
  • Dominating over – “I need to use power or force to get what I want”
  • Or conversely being steamrolled over – “I need to compromise or give in to keep the peace”

While these types of thinking tend to come up when conflict arises, it is not actually what conflict is about. These are conditioned frameworks to think about conflict that is constricting – it naturally narrows down the field and says:

  • It is my way or the highway
  • This is black or white
  • We can only turn left or turn right because there is no other way

Now that I’ve defined what conflict is not about, let’s look into what conflict IS about.

To me, conflict is about information:

  • What was working, no longer works. Hence the conflict arises.
  • There has been an external shift. In the case of the workplace the market has changed. This includes things such as client needs, competition, regulations, etc.
  • There has been in internal shift. In the case of the workplace there maybe non-aligned priorities, revised goals, leadership change, lack of access to resources, etc.

When I start seeing conflict as information and specifically as information that points to what is not working in a system, then I can relax a bit because I start to:

  • Depersonalize the issues – it no longer is me vs them, he, or she. It’s information about a gap that exists. I start to take it less personally and know that it’s not just me feeling frustrated or trapped in the situation.
  • Get curiosity – this is information about something that is not working, I wonder what does work? I start to ask questions. I wonder what I really care about and value and I ask myself: how can I get closer to what I want?

It’s easy to see conflict as “bad” but when I choose to see conflict as “information” I can see the world through a different lens. Of course I am still colored by my conditioning and lived experience but I can loosen the grip of conflict on me, even if it is a tiny bit.

How about you? What do you think conflict IS? What do you think conflict IS NOT?

I would love to know.

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When you are stuck between both worlds, here is a way to shift and be less stuck

You are stuck between two worlds.

Maybe it is between your work and professional life. Maybe it is between two cultural identities. Maybe it is between what you really want to do and what you do to pay the bills. Maybe it is between what your parents want you to be and who you really are.

Regardless of the scenario, you have one foot in one world and the other foot in the other world and it is tearing you apart. You feel anxious, lost, and confused because you don’t truly belong to World A or World B so you pretend or code switch.

You get on the bus in World A and shut up as things chug along, get off the bus, then get on the bus in World B, and repeat the same process.

But it feels really unsatisfying, like you’re playing different parts instead of being who you are.

The parts may be the loving husband/wife, dutiful daughter/son, competent worker, tireless parent, brave leader or quiet follower. Regardless, it feels inauthentic – like wearing a jacket that is 2 sizes too small and you don’t know how to get out of the bind.

Let me share with you an aha moment for me that allowed me to start slipping out of this restrictive way of being.

I am Chinese American – my parents are from China and I was born and raised in the United States. However I am told that I am not “American enough” by elementary school classmates who pulled up their eyelids and said “ching, chong, wong” to mimic speaking Chinese (which I really had no idea why they did since I neither look nor sound like that). I am also not “Chinese enough” because when I walk into a shop in Hong Kong, without any fluent Cantonese leaving my mouth the shopkeeper knows that I am not from China.

This is the dilemma: I was simultaneously not “American enough” or “Chinese enough” and it felt lonely to be something that is not accepted.

Until one day in my 20s my older and more senior co-worker, who happened to be born and raised in China, was sharing that his wife is pregnant. As I congratulated him on his growing family, he said something to that effect that he wants his child to be like me.

I was so confused: be like me? What do you mean? He answered: “You are Chinese and you are American, you get to choose the best of both worlds.”

I was floored!

Here I was seeing my non belonging as a severe limitation and here he was seeing me and my ability to choose the best components that work for me.

From that moment, my perspective started to shift. Instead of saying “oh it’s terrible how neither Worlds accepts me for who I am,” I can say “I appreciate XYZ about World A and ABC about World B. I wonder what happens when I combine XYZ with ABC – do I get XA or YB or something else?”

I can appreciate the communal and orderly nature of Chinese culture and the liberal and creative nature of American culture. Then I can even mix up different parts and see what happens!

I started sourcing combinations and creativity in a way that is not possible if it weren’t from living on the cusp of two worlds.

This is what I help clients see: them being torn between two different worlds is a source of power for them to get to really know what works and doesn’t work in each world and then combine it in a way that works for them.

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If you are tired of being told to be grateful this holiday season, try this instead

So in addition to hating affirmations, I also dislike the way that gratitude is forced upon us – especially around the holiday seasons*.

There has always been prescribed ways of “being grateful” that made no sense to me, even as a young child:

  • When I couldn’t finish my food, I was told “be grateful for what you have, think of all the starving kids in Africa**.”
  • When I had a tremendous heartache from a break up in my 20s and crying daily, I was told to start a gratitude journal. I was so desperate that I did it… and hated how manufactured and fake it was to be grateful when I was just really miserable. The whole fake it till you make it strategy never worked for me.
  • Why are we mainly told to be grateful around the fall to winter time period? Couldn’t everyday be filled with gratitude? Also why does gratitude seem to revolve around buying things?! This also goes for Valentine’s Day.
  • Where there is so much terrible things happening in the world: war and violence, poverty and hunger, illness and death.

With that being said, I want to share what worked for me in the practice of gratitude.

Everyone practices gratitude differently. I am definitely not a fan of gratitude journaling, where I feel like I am doing a prescribed laundry list instead of expressing something beautiful that organically wells up. So as an adult, I discovered different ways that worked for me:

  • One year I decided to make friendship bracelets. The repetition of tying knot after knot in these slender embroidery threads made me appreciate the amount of work that went into it. I made 3 (1 for me and 2 for other people) and then stopped. It was a nice experiment to find a different way of expressing gratitude.
  • Every year I hand write appreciation and mail notes to anyone who had an impact on me. The format is this: Happy holidays and happy new year! Thank you for your friendship this year. I feel (insert feelings here: warm, joyful, appreciative, inspired, etc.) because of (all the needs they met for me: mutuality, deep listening, empathy, compassion, celebration, mourning, etc.) Looking forward to another year with you! XOXO, Nancy
  • Every year I write a birthday letter to myself. I wish myself a happy birthday, reflect upon this past 12 months, and share well wishes or appreciations for the next year. Then I actually mail myself the letter, receive it, put it away, and actually read it when I feel the need to. I am always amazed at the care my past self has for my future self.

So if you are tired of being told to be grateful in a certain way and dislike gratitude journals as much as I do, then try these other ways and figure out what works for you. Like anything: gratitude is a muscle and we’ve been told to use other muscles (such as shame, blame, and guilt – at others and ourselves) a lot while the gratitude muscle just atrophies from dis or mis use. Let’s get some nice reps in so it actually feels good and authentic to be grateful and appreciate things in life, even when it is tough.

* In case that the two articles about disliking affirmations and forced gratitude makes you draw a logical conclusion that I am a curmudgeon, I want to assure you that I do have joy and gratitude in my life. I just do it in ways that work for me instead of the prescribed mass media way. And yes I do like cute little kids, puppies, and rainbows.

** Note that I was a kid of the 80’s and that was what was said to me even though there are starving children around the entire world.

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For people who don’t like affirmations: 2 alternatives to get to the heart of what you want without them

I have a secret: I hate affirmations with a passion.

If you are a person who loves affirmations then this article is not for you. Close it out and walk away.

If you know of anyone who hates affirmations then share this article with them.

Why do I hate affirmations – you know the thing that when you are down in the dumps and someone tells you to just say what you want (for example: confidence, money, partner, house), act like you already have it, and it will manifest?

A classic example is that if you are not feeling confident then you will say “I am confident” over and over again, sometimes in front of a mirror, and then act confidently and it will manifest in the world.

My whole being just recoils from this. It feels so fake…so inauthentic!

Here are my beefs with affirmations:

  • If I am already confident, then why the heck do I need to say it so many times? Won’t I just BE confident?
  • How do I pretend that I already am or have something when I really don’t… even a 3 year old can tell me what they do or do not have. I am way smarter than a 3 year old!
  • I am a rational human being and my logical left brain is rebelling against you telling me to lie to myself in order to have something.

All this being said, I want to offer 2 alternatives to get to the heart of what you want.

Alternative 1: I am willing…

This alternative expresses your desire or openness for something. Instead of saying “I am XYZ (confident)”, say “I am willing to be XYZ (confident) or have XYZ (confidence) in my life.”

If you still feel yourself recoil because you are feeling particularly vulnerable or unsure if it is possible at all to have that in your life, then ask yourself “Am I willing to be willing to be XYZ (confident)?” and see how you naturally answer.

Sometimes it takes a bit of willingness to be willing to shift perspectives and positions on things to get to what you want more of in the world.

Alternative 2: Change me into one who…

This alternative acknowledges where you are and where you want to be.

You are at point A and you want to get to point B, so ask to be changed into someone who can get from point A to B: “Change me into one who has confidence in juggling/ negotiations/ dealing with my co-workers/ handling bed time with my kids.”

If you find yourself struggling to say “Change me into one who…” then you can use “May I be changed into someone who…”

Note that this may statement is not asking for permission, like “May I have a cookie?” but it’s allowing for something that may or may not happen.

Both of these practices are more believable, more real, and more authentic to me because it acknowledges my resistance and doesn’t force me to be who I am not.

Instead it invites my willingness and my ability to change. I feel more open to things instead of closing down because I am told to be what I am not.

That is why in times of need I can practice these alternatives instead of fighting against what I don’t have or not yet am.

As with any practice: try them on for fit, say it out loud, repeat it several times, do it for several days, and notice what happens.

If you do either or both alternatives, let me know how it goes: comment below or message me.

Take care,

Coach Nancy

PS: I am not saying that doing any of these nullify things are systemic such as some people do speak over others more or that there are unconscious biases at large. However doing these things open you up to the possibilities of stepping into more of who you want to be.

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Authenticity requires you to live in your body – 3 ways to be in your body and let things move when times are tough

We live in such a cerebral world:

  • If I do X then I get Y
  • I know the theory, history, and the million reasons why X, Y, or Z is the way it is
  • Let me tell you about a book, podcast, or video I saw about A, B, and C

Being cerebral is great: it allows each person to synthesize complex ideas into perspectives, identities, and stories that enables that person to live in this world without going crazy.

Yet the current state of being cerebral often times excludes the experiences of the body:

  • Oh I have an ache and pain, I’ll take a pain reliever
  • I’m exhausted but I need to get this done (or put out this fire) again, so let me just work a few more hours (or the whole evening!)
  • This headache, not a big deal – I’ll just get on with my day because there is so much to do!

We want to be real and genuine but only from the neck up – what we think and feel.

So we leave our bodies out – what sensations are we actually experiencing in the body. Maybe it is the worries that tightens our throats, or the anger that swirls around our chest, or the deep well of sadness in the pit of our stomach.

Being totally authentic requires you to live in your body – to know what is going on, acknowledge it, and not push it away.

 

This is especially apparent when we face a crisis, calamity, or tough times. We want to take action – to jump up and change things, solve the problem, and make things better.

Since we are in our heads and our bodies are left out, oftentimes those actions are coming from reactivity instead of authenticity.

So what does one do when times are tough and it feels like crap to be in our bodies?

Here is a video with 3 different ways to soothe this animal body we have – after all humans are animals.

No these ways are not meant to solve all your problems but they are ways to let whatever tension that is in your body have a way to move.

If you are going through a tough time right now, try it out for a few days and see what happens.

Better yet: if you do these things, message me and let me know how you feel afterwards.

Take care,

Coach Nancy Li

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Authenticity needs community

This is a truth: authenticity needs community. For we never truly do anything alone.

Community allows us to learn what your voice actually wants to say and express instead of saying things to avoid judgment, appease others, or to not hurt others. It allows us to be with people who may have done the similar hard thing that you are doing and somehow found a way to weave between the hard lines and soft edges of how to express what is alive in you, your truth, and what you value in a way that others can hear you – actually hear you, instead of just nod, smile, and walk away.

Community lets us mourn and celebrate with others – for both are equally important. To mourn that we regret something or really want something but cannot have it; to celebrate that something you really care for or value is shared.

True community isn’t selfish or exclusionary, it includes and invites: “Come over, sit with me with a cup of coffee or tea in your hand and tell me your story. If I find the story to be overwhelming, would you want to go for a walk with me? Not because I don’t care but I want to honor and take care of what is in you and in me. After our walk, I can listen again.” This invitation is not just for you but also others who seek authenticity and community.

Community allows us to practice: “I really meant to convey this, but somehow it turned into something I didn’t expect or wanted. Can I try again?” and the answer is always a yes.

Community is expansive and allows for different voices to practice. It has so much spaciousness because it is not dependent on 1 person (perhaps a romantic partner) or 2 people (perhaps a nuclear family) but more than that. With more people we have more capacity to face things together.

I hope you have a community that holds your authenticity – with all its rawness, with all its celebrations and mournings, with all its passion and numbness, with all its delight and grief, and the many parts of you.

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Nancy Li is a Coach, Speaker, Facilitator who deeply cares about people tapping into their own authenticity and being effective and connected to whatever it is they want to do.

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Authenticity as the fulcrum to move your inner and outer worlds

We all want to have an impact on the world– whether it is to have children and see them thrive past our lifetime, to contribute our gifts and talents to organizations that acknowledge and reward us, or to help by donating time, effort, or money to make the world a better place.

Yet sometimes we can feel powerless: like the world with its issues and problems are just too huge to think about, nevertheless do something about it.

Sometimes it’s about not having enough time or money. Other times it’s that when you pick a side or choose to do something – someone else is telling you how you are wrong. Other times it is about being scared to tell people what you really think because being judged has a real impact on you mentally, emotionally, or even on your livelihood.

So how does anyone get closer to the possibilities of fulfilling this yearning – to have an impact on the world, in the face of all these hurdles?

As Archimedes*, an ancient Grecian mathematician and inventor, once said: “Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.”

In response I say: let authenticity be the fulcrum to move your inner and outer worlds.

The inner world is your internal mental and emotional state. The outer world is the physical place where you exist with other people, living beings, and things.

When I interviewed and researched authentic high achievers I saw that two things were needed to impel impact.

One thing is motivation – what are you driven by? In a world full of noise, scary news, responsibilities, and financial stress, what is the fuel that drives you towards something, instead of away from something.

Another thing is capacity – how are you doing what you are doing? How are you playing to your strengths and limitations?

You yearn for change and want these fantastic giant leaps that will bring about the change you want in the world. But the gap between where you are and where you want to be is too vast.

This is where the practice of the smallest next step comes in – taking the smallest next step within your current capacity to move forward.

Over time with enough practice, capacity then can evolve from baseline (what you currently can do) to adaptive capacity. Adaptive capacityrelies on changing from depending on mainly technical skills to developing relational skills to get things done.

An example is: you were hired into an entry level job because 1- you have certain technical skills or 2- you are willing to learn these tech skills. Yet as you get more responsibilities and are promoted, you now manage projects, people, or teams. Basically you have to get things done through other people, which requires deeper relational skills.

Changing capacity requires a grounded sense of humility – to accept that you are unskilled at something, to learn new things, and to know you cannot and do not have to do things alone. Another type of self authenticity.

So you want to have an impact on this physical world yet you don’t know how.

Start with self authenticity – be open and willing to explore your inner motivations and capacity and then use that as a fulcrum to create impact on the outer world.

Let authenticity be the fulcrum to move your inner and outer worlds.

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Calling all emerging women leaders in the Philadelphia area:

Join me, Karen Machin – Financial Advisor, and Jessica DeJesus – Tax Advisor for “Women Empowered: Inspiring Authenticity and Building Financial Confidence in Emerging Leaders”a workshop + networking event on October 29th 6 pm.

In this 2 hour event near the Jenkintown SEPTA train station you will learn about the different career phases you will encounter, the authenticity hurdles and money considerations you will face in each phase, ways to deal with the hurdles and considerations, and network with like-minded women who want to support each other.

Space is limited to 35 people so please RSVP right away! If you registered and then are unable to attend then please let us know to allow space for others.

RSVP now: http://bit.ly/4devNFX

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6 things I learned from authentic high achievers

While many people show up authentically in their personal lives, many also hold themselves back in the workplace. Given the hierarchical and power over dynamics in most workplaces, it makes sense to not be authentic in the workplace so one can feel more mentally or emotionally safe and protected.

I want to understand the relationship between achievement and authenticity and what makes some high achievers authentic? I want to learn about the secrets to being authentic and effective in the workplace. For this research project I interviewed the 8 most authentic leaders that I either personally worked with or referred to by other authentic leaders.

You can read the details of the interviews in this 4 part article series, starting here. Each of the questions and responses brought out different insights and here is the Cliff note version of this interview project.

These are the 6 things I learned about authentic high achievers:

1.There are key defining moment(s) in one’s life that shaped who they are and their choice to be authentic. Childhood events and upbringing have an impact on personal and professional authenticity.

2. High achievers are motivated by a combination of internal and external factors. Interviewed high achievers who are women or minorities tend to include various elements of external motivation more than those who are men and Caucasian, who tend to attribute achievement to internal motivations and innate circumstances.

For example the differences in socioeconomic upbringings, lack of access to money and resources, and privilege were often cited as the first few external motivations for women and minorities. The interviewed Caucasian men tend to not cite such external motivations for achievement.

3. The traits that drive consistent long term success in authentic high achiever consists of a deep knowing of themselves and the ability to cultivate different relationshipsthat drives success.

4. Not all high achievers started out authentic in the workplace. For some high achievers, showing up in the workplace authentically is innate, for others it had to be cultivated.

5. While personal and professional authenticity are correlated for many interviewees, for a few it is easier to be authentic at the workplace given the nature of the relationship – not as long term and goal oriented

6. Authenticity is the key to their consistent high achievement.While one can get ahead by being inauthentic or a jerk, authenticity allows for more long term success and ease. This means less personal contortion, workplace conflict, and burnout because their inside and outside are matching. This develops more trust with people who interact with them – clients or coworkers.

So there you have it: insights on what makes certain high achievers authentic in the workplace, where that authenticity comes from, and how authenticity is actually the fuel behind their long term success and consistent high achievement.

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Hi, I am Nancy Li – a coach, speaker, trainer, and facilitator for driven professionals and organizations who struggle to be authentic in the workplace and want more connection and effectiveness in their life.

I am passionate about helping emerging leaders step into their own authenticity. I believe and know that authenticity is their superpower to inspire, motivate, and lead themselves and others. When people know that what they see is what they get AND they trust what they get, then they are more willing to follow or collaborate.

If you are a leader undergoing a transition (whether it is stepping into a promotion or a new dream job) and feel insecure in this new role then reach out to me. Maybe you feel like you have to “act like a boss” or that you have a form of imposter syndrome. You’re tired of “faking it till you make it” because you started questioning: what is fake and what is real?!

I truly believe that authenticity is your superpower and I want to help you step into your authentic leadership.

Message me for a no strings attached 30 minute conversation to explore if we can work together to help you lead with authenticity.

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Are authentic high achievers also authentic in their personal lives? (Part 4 of 4 from the Authentic High Achievers Interview Project)

I want to go beyond the workplace and explore authenticity in people’s personal lives.

I had virtual coffee chats with 8 authentic leaders to explore this personal topic. With their agreement, I’m sharing the results in a 4-part article series. For context: you can read more on the methodology and how I define authenticity.

Today we focus on the third interview question: Are high achievers who are authentic in the workplace also authentic outside of it? Is there any correlation between personal and professional authenticity?

Compared with the previous questions, responses to this question were more intimate and touching. I have a deep appreciation for people sharing their heartfelt stories.

Key findings:

  • There are key defining moment(s) in one’s life that shaped who they are and their choice to be authentic. Childhood events and upbringing have an impact on personal authenticity.
  • While personal and professional authenticity are correlated for many interviewees, for a few it is easier to be authentic at the workplace given the nature of the relationship – not as long term and goal oriented.

These are their personal authenticity stories:

One authentic high achiever had a mom who had PTSD, depression, and anxiety so it felt like walking on eggshells because they never know if the mom is having a good day or a bad day. Because of this, they sought out others who are honest and trustworthy which gave them ground to be more authentic. Since this high achiever also has a first generation low income background, they see challenges as strength builders and adversity as authenticity cultivators. Their family and workplace experiences taught them to see what works, find what doesn’t work, what they want, and how they want to get to what they want. While the spouse of this high achiever commented that they can appear like a “Zelig” which is a movie character who mirrored whoever he is with – this interviewee believes that this is all part of them: the ability to not impose personalities, topics, or approaches to others, to be empathetic but hold boundaries so they do not bleed into another, and to be authentic as appropriate to each relationship.

One high achiever started out being inauthentic in their personal world because they are gay and in the closet. So they created inauthentic versions of themselves to fit into society and avoid retribution. They took on the motto of “fake it till you make it” but at one point started questioning: what is fake and what is real?! The opportunity to be more authentic came with the ability to reinvent themselves. For example: they changed their name from “Billy” to “Bill.” (These names are illustrative and not the interviewee’s name.) They further got to reinvent themselves at 16 years old when they went to a college preparation program away from home on scholarship. In addition to being gay, this person grew up in a poor immigrant family who didn’t fit in. They hid the fact that they were poor by never inviting friends to their home. At this prep school they quickly discovered they were on par, if not better, academically and intellectually than others whose family have much more wealth and opportunity. This gave them the confidence to be themselves, even if they had to run a few laps to get to the starting line of the race. That was when they started coming out and being more authentic about who they are – sexuality and all.

Another high achiever felt like the odd person out ever since childhood since their sibling did not like them and they did not have many friends in the neighborhood. It wasn’t until high school, when they had an opportunity to go to a school across town and was in a different setting that they had a chance to step into their own authenticity. They found friends who were more like them. Having originally been a shy child, they now get to choose to be who they are and start to find their voice.This is how they have the courage as a Black person to challenge their CEO and ask “Are you going to hire the next white man into this role?” which led to conversations about personality, access to opportunities, and representation mattering in the workplace and life. I personally was astounded that this person wasn’t laid off after this direct conversation with the CEO – authenticity and all!

One high achiever believes that if someone is authentic professionally then that person is likely to be authentic personally. However it can be challenging to be authentic in the personal realm. Authenticity in the professional setting has value in terms of leading and engaging with people but in personal settings you can’t see results as quickly because you are playing a much longer term game.A role in a company may last a decade but key personal relationships with your partner, spouse, or kid can (or at least one hopes) lasts much longer than that. So to be authentic and tell your partner that “I don’t really want to do the dishes” or your kid that “I don’t really want to watch another of your baseball games” may not be wise. So there may be incentives to be not as authentic at home because of the longer term frequency of interactions, inability to see impact right away, and the opportunity to mess up more. At the same time forgiveness, trust, and grace are very important in personal relationships. It may be easier to get a dopamine kick from staying late at work and accomplishing something but in the long term attending their kid’s baseball game will result in incremental relational well being.

Another high achiever believes that personal and professional authenticity are ultimately correlated but can be out of line for a period of time, especially since work can take a lot out of them. They reflected on how raising their eldest child and youngest child were so different: the eldest did not receive conversant advice (e.g.: this is what worked for me in this situation, do you want to hear about it?) from them while the youngest did. There is a wish to be more consciously competently authentic at work and at home so it would take less time to be effective and sustainable in whatever they do.

Another high achiever also believes that personal and professional authenticity is correlated. In their case, they had a sibling very close in age, was compared a lot to each other, and the siblings did not get along. It wasn’t until going to the workplace, they started being their own person and was able to be more of themselves without their sibling nearby. That was the start of their own authenticity journey by becoming more confident in themselves. So it was interesting to observe that this person’s authenticity started in their professional life and then permeated into their personal life.

For one high achiever personal and professional authenticity is grounded in internal presence (i.e.: What am I experiencing on the inside?) AND external awareness (i.e.: Is what I see real and can I share it in appropriate ways?) It answers the question – is my self perception grounded in reality and do I have a realistic view of my relationship with others? For this high achiever, personal relationships are more nuanced and complex so stepping into authenticity may be more complicated. For example: it is a much more intimate relationship with a partner where societal roles are complex so the space to be authentic can also be affected.

One high achiever sees personal authenticity as more self driven since it is less about the culture. If one is personally authentic then people will be more willing to come and talk with you because they know they are getting a true viewpoint. This also allows for better interpersonal connection. In the professional world, sometimes it seems like people bring a different personality to work or need to adapt to the environment. In environments where authenticity is not encouraged then people become political because they don’t want the mental anguish of being themselves. But if one is aware of the situation, then they can make a conscious decision to seek environments that encourage authenticity.As a child, this high achiever spoke up and got into trouble so as they got older and wiser they learned to evaluate and ask more questions. As they become more senior in the professional world, there is more room to be themselves because they become more comfortable. With more power there is potential to be more authentic but it is not guaranteed.

I marvel at the range of experiences that stimulated and cultivated authenticity in each of the interviewees. They each had such different backgrounds and spoke openly of painful and joyful experiences that fuel their authenticity.

While there are key defining moment(s), environments, or spaces that gave them room to explore authenticity, there are also distinct choices: to choose not hide anymore, to choose to be with people who are also honest and trustworthy, to choose to have a clear perception of self and relationships, to choose to realize they are just as competent or smart as other people, and to choose to go beyond their upbringing. So in a sense personal authenticity is a choice.

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Do you know an authentic high achiever you wish I’d interviewed? Message me their name! I would love to invite them into a bigger study.

For more articles about authenticity, achievement, and leadership subscribe to the Authentic Musings newsletter!

PS: The first interview question is: What drives high achievers? You can read the article here.

PPS: The second interview question is: What are the traits, characteristics, or qualities of high achievers? You can read the article here.

PPPS: The third interview question is: since not all high achievers are authentic, what makes some high achievers authentic? You can read the article here.

Join the email list to stay up to date on the newest articles. 

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What makes some high achievers authentic? (Part 3 of 4 from the Authentic High Achievers Interview Project)

I want to learn about the magic of authentic leadership.

So I had virtual coffee chats with 8 of the most authentic leaders that either I personally worked with or were referred to by other authentic leaders. With their permission, I’m sharing the results in a 4-part article series. For context: you can read more on the methodology and how I define authenticity.

Today we focus on the third interview question: Since not all high achievers are authentic, what makes some high achievers authentic?

Two surprising findings:

  • Not all high achievers started out authentic in the workplace. For some high achievers, showing up in the workplace authentically is innate, for others it had to be cultivated.
  • Authenticity is the key to their consistent high achievement. While one can get ahead by being inauthentic or a jerk, authenticity allows for more long term success and ease. This means less personal contortion and workplace conflict because there is increased trust in their professional relationships.

For several high achievers, authenticity in the workplace is innate:

It was too exhausting not to be authentic. One high achiever found it too exhausting to be multiple people, so they choose to be the same person – their own authentic selves at work. If people don’t like who they are, then there are limited options to change into. They accept that people will like or not like them (sometimes it includes their own family members) and they choose not to fit into someone else’s expectations since they are usually the odd person in a crowd and felt different from other kids at a young age.

It’s easier to be authentic earlier in their career. As one high achiever noted: in the corporate world it is not possible to be 100% authentic because one is not friends with managers, subordinates, or peers. They find it easier to be authentic early in one’s career but as one gets more responsibility and accountability in an organization it gets harder to be in full authenticity given potential conflicts and ethical situations. So for this high achiever, being authentic later in one’s career means bringing as much authenticity to the role and environment as appropriate. Boundaries and limitations of the work role play into the delicate balance. It is not about acting or being disingenuous, it is about relating to and focusing on shared values even if the other person is very different from them.

Also as a leader, sometimes one has sensitive and confidential information that has an impact on others. Even during those times one can be authentic and truthful: “I have important information that will affect this team. I am not at liberty to share it now but when the information is shared, I will work with the team through it.”

Having a sense of confidence and humilityallowed one high achiever to say that they don’t know something, receive feedback from others, and have transparent communication. This allows others to know and trust them as a leader because let’s face it: people who work with you will know what are your weaknesses. Instead of trying to hide these blemishes, giving others permission to give feedback allows leaders to then improve and then also give feedback in return in a more safe environment because they are actually modeling that behavior. People can see through inauthenticity so authenticity is the consistent way to be successful in the long run because other people don’t have to second guess your leadership.

As another high achiever puts it, “It’s about being true to your word and putting your money where your mouth is.” When they show up authentically and stick to their commitments then they get buy-in from leaders and the team, which builds trust and strong relationships. This trust then fuels the longevity of success. While it is possible to step on others and succeed via inauthenticity, it is not sustainable in the long term.

Having a high standard for self and being able to say “I gave it my all today” is what prompts one high achiever to be authentic. It’s the ability to be consistent inside and outside: matching what they say with what they do. By doing this from day 1, this allows long term success regardless of incentives or reciprocity. Another way to frame this is to ask themselves: what do I want to be known for 5-10 years from now?

For others, their workplace authenticity had to be cultivated internally or externally:

Trim tab theory of authenticity – one high achiever stated that they were not always authentic in the workplace since their priority was getting along with others. However in their career, there were these small openings for being authentic: they would bring more of what they really thought or wanted to the situation, express it, and it was either well received or worked out well. This gave the person increased interest and courage to be more authentic when there was another small opening and another small opening. Bit by bit, the person was able to step in their authenticity at work and more and more doors opened.

They dubbed this the “trim tab theory” of authenticity because similarly how we cannot change the direction of a large boat quickly via the rudder, we similarly cannot just suddenly “be authentic” especially if the environment does not encourage it. A large boat actually has small pieces of metal called the trim tab that stick out and initiate a turn. The rest of the boat including the rudder follows through and eventually the whole boat changes direction. Additionally it stabilizes the boat by adjusting the running angle. I basically see it as a “practice makes better” situation.

A work culture that accepts authenticityencourages them to step into their own authenticity. One high achiever found it hard to “act like a boss,” especially early on in their career when they haven’t done it before. Having a work culture that accepts a level of authenticity is key to them not needing to hide. This includes a safety to be yourself, as this person is gay. They found the curiosity and willingness of others to relate to them in a genuine way a sign of workplace culture that practices authenticity. They would ask specific questions during interviews, see if there is an openness for LGBTQ+ employees and would make career decisions based on this acceptance and openness.

As another high achiever states, “In certain corporate cultures the high achievers are the jerks but they are high functioning and deliver results so they can get away with it.” So authenticity is not needed because one can be brilliant, everyone hates them, but they are needed for the organization’s success. So these are not the companies this high achiever selects for. Instead they seek out other companies where authenticity is valued as something that helps build relationships and creates the greatest opportunities for success. By self selecting for this culture, this high achiever then can consistently show up more authentically and achieve more.

Key takeaway? Over and over again, interviewed authentic high achievers shared that authenticity helps them be more consistently successful in the long term.

Being authentic is not a hit key word of the week that is dropped when it is not useful or trendy. Authenticity is something they consistently practice because it helps them to continue to do what they want to do professionally. This desire to persist then creates more long term achievement, prevents burnout because their inside and outside are matching, and develops more trust with people who interact with them – clients or coworkers.

Next week we will look at the responses to the 4th interview question: are high achievers who are authentic at work also authentic outside of work?

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Do you know an authentic high achiever you wish I’d interviewed? Message me their name! I would love to invite them into a bigger study.

PS: The first interview question is: What drives high achievers? You can read the article here.

PPS: The second interview question is: What are the traits, characteristics, or qualities of high achievers?  You can read the article here.

Join the email list to stay up to date on the newest articles. 

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What are the traits, characteristics, or qualities of high achievers? (Part 2 of 4 from the Authentic High Achievers Interview Project) 

What if you could interview the 8 most authentic leaders you’ve either personally worked with (or referred to by other authentic leaders)? I did that, and with their permission, I’m sharing the results in a 4-part series. For context: you can read more on the interview methodology and how I define authenticity.

Today we focus on the second interview question: What are the traits, characteristics, or qualities of high achievers?

(The first interview question is: what drives high achievers? You can read the article here.)

In general, the traits of high achievers are split between two categories: a deep knowing of themselves (their gifts and their limitations) and the development of strong relational skills across different dimensions.

The key point is that being smart and talented is not sufficient to be a consistent high achiever in the long term. The ability to develop relationships in different ways is key to get others to be on board with your project, goal, or vision is key, especially as one gets promoted to more senior roles and responsibilities.

Authentic high achievers have a strong self responsibility based on self awareness, confidence, and humility AND developed the ability to get others to swim in the direction that they want to go towards.

Characteristic: Know thyself on a deep level

  • Deep understanding of own capabilities and strengths. High achievers are realistic about their true capabilities, especially as one becomes older and/or more experienced and/or more accomplished, and become more confident about what they are good at and not good at.
  • Adaptability and flexibility fuels the ability to transition successfully from different career stages. Most people are hired into roles that require technical skills, or at least the ability to learn the specific skills whether it is doing polymerase chain reaction in a lab, creating compelling PowerPoint presentations, or code effectively and efficiently. However as one is promoted, even if they are promoted based on technical skills, they now need to manage people or projects, which requires different skills and people may not have the training to manage others.

So the ability to successfully navigate from individual contributor to manager of people to leader of managers is key to being a high achiever. In order to do so, high achievers need to learn new skills and give up certain activities in order to be more strategic. This includes the ability to navigate new social environments and cultures.

  • Having high standards for self– while one does not have to be best at everything to be a high achiever, one has to have sufficient threshold in most areas and excel in specific ones. For example: if one is a triathlete, one does not have to be amazing at swimming, running, and biking. However, one does have to be sufficiently skilled at all three tasks and amazing in at least 1 in order to consistently perform well in triathlons.

It is also important to be good at something you enjoy in order to have long term success. While it is possible to excel at things we don’t like, it is not sustainable in the longer term.

Characteristic: Adapted at developing various relational skills

  • Getting things done through relationshipsbecause no one person can get to a high level by themselves. For example: CEOs tend to have deep networks and relationships to help them achieve.
  • Ability to ask for help is pivotal because no one person can be an expert in every field. One interviewee shared a story: a group of new hires at a prestigious consulting firm was being shown around on their first day. They got to meet different team members, managers, and departments including some who specialized in specific fields. At the end they were given a task of having 24 hours to come up with research on a specific obscure topic that no one had any idea about. Most of the new hires spent all night doing research, crunching numbers, and organizing the information. One new hire just retraced their steps to the specialists they met, requested a meeting, and was able to get the task done in a few hours. Asking for help and not muscling through was a key ingredient to their subsequent success.
  • Nurturing of othersfrees up the time and bandwidth to take on more challenging roles, new skills, and create an ability to get things done through other people instead of taking on everything themselves. While it is possible to achieve as a micromanager – where one prescribes to a specific way of doing things, micromanagers miss out on the satisfaction of supporting the accomplishments of others. It is also possible to be a high achiever as an “expert” which is more of a solo endeavor and does not necessarily rely on the nurturing of others and their accomplishments
  • Openness to feedback and continuous learning– this includes the willingness to receive feedback from others even when it is difficult, knowing what questions to ask, and the confidence to make decisions without all of the information, for it is not possible to have all the right information.

So there you have it: the traits that drive consistent long term success in authentic high achiever consists of a deep knowing of themselves and the ability to cultivate different relationships that drives success.

Next week we will look at the responses to the 3rd interview question: not all high achievers are authentic, so what makes some high achievers authentic?

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Do you know an authentic high achiever you wish I’d interviewed? Message me their name! I would love to invite them into a bigger study.

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Methodology for Authentic High Achievers Interview Series

Authentic High Achiever Interview Series Project Goals:

  • Elucidate findings about high achievers who are also authentic: commonalities and differences
  • Share learnings for anyone who wants to be more authentic in the workplace

Methodology:

  • 1:1 structured qualitative interviews conducted from April – August 2024
  • Interview questions consists of:
  1. What drives or motivates high achievers?
  2. What are the key traits, characteristics, or qualities of high achievers?
  3. Not all high achievers are authentic, so what makes some high achievers authentic?
  4. Shifting over to the personal side: how about authenticity in the personal life? Do you think it is connected or correlated to authenticity in the professional life?
  • Analysis of interviews consist of reviewing notes and looking for repeated or unique themes from responses for insights

Recruitment: 

  • Outreach to previous managers and colleagues who lead teams and organizations, are successful, and get to goals while showing up to work with more of themselves. This can take the form of being honest and transparent, not putting on a mask, or being genuine. During the times I worked with them I never felt like I had to second guess what they said or that I cannot trust what they say is true.
  • Subsequent referrals to other authentic high achievers by the high achievers who were interviewed. 

Interviewee Demographics:

  • Total sample size: 8
  • Gender identification: 3 women, 5 men
  • Race: 1 African American, 1 African, 1 Asian American – originally from the US and moved to the UK, 5 Caucasian – 1 is based in the UK
  • Sample titles and roles: Vice President and General Manager, Executive Director, Vice President Global Strategic Accounts, Senior Director, Senior Executive – Chief Commercial Officer, Chief Growth Officer, President
  • Industry: given my previous background as a business consultant in the pharmaceutical industry, there is quite a strong bias here – every interviewee is in the pharmaceutical industry. While this project would benefit from having perspectives from more industries, I believe that given the goals of this project and the breadth of demographics within gender, race, titles and roles, and company types that the insights are sufficiently useful and applicable to understand what makes certain high achievers more authentic

Sample company types: Fortune 500 multinational pharmaceutical company, technology company, advisory services/consulting

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Authentic High Achievers Interview Series: Part 1 of 4: What drives high achievers?

I believe in studying what works. For example: if I want to be healthy then I would study healthy people, what keeps them healthy, and then borrow their strategies and tactics.

Similarly when I want to understand the relationship between achievement and authenticity I asked this: since not all high achievers are authentic, so what makes some high achievers authentic? So I decided to interview authentic high achievers with 4 simple questions.

While I have defined authenticity in a previous article, how do I determine if a high achiever is authentic? I decided to go with my gut – people who lead teams and organizations, are successful, and get to goals while showing up to work with more of themselves. This can take the form of being honest and transparent, not putting on a mask, or being genuine.

I started by interviewing past managers and colleagues who I think epitomizes achievement and authenticity. During the times I worked with them I never felt like I had to second guess what they said or that I cannot trust what they say is true. This led to referrals to other authentic high achievers for a total of 8 people. For more details of methodology and interviewee demographics refer to the appendix of this article.

The conversations were fascinating and connecting. I reveled in the juiciness and honesty of how they perceive, think, feel, say, and do things that others may not have the boldness or trust to do so (for now).

Today we focus on the first interview question: What drives or motivates high achievers?

The answers were wide and varied, so I am highlighting paraphrased themes and observations.

In general: what motivates high achievers are either internal or external circumstances, stimuli, or situations. Although these categories are not mutually exclusive (since internal circumstances can affect external circumstances and vice versa) these groupings are useful to spot trends.

Internal motivation for high achievement:

  • Competitive personality – they love to win, are determined, do not give up easily, or are natural born entrepreneurs
  • Belief – some people naturally believe that they are supposed to be in certain spaces. They can own a space, show up, and participate at a high level
  • Driven by power and ego – this maybe the desire to achieve rank, financial rewards, or perception of success via status and title
  • Work really hard – this is maybe associated with getting satisfaction from a job well done or getting other people’s approval
  • Desire to make a difference or impact on the world – want to contribute to a better world, help others achieve their goals, or just help other people
  • Deep understanding of the self and personal growth – which includes one’s own strengths and limitations and working with one’s strengths to accomplish and achieve more
  • Fear of failure – this doesn’t mean that high achievers do not fail but because they have a fear of failure, they learn from their failures and try again

External motivation for high achievement:

  • Necessity – some were born to family situations where they had nothing and so they wanted more in life. They worked harder to get what people take for granted
  • Privilege – some are born into situations with more privilege and access. For those who much is given, much is expected
  • Culture – being an American there are the stories of great potential, rags to riches, and the pursuit of big dreams
  • Parents – especially immigrant parents who are pushing their children to achieve more than the parents can themselves
  • Being unique or outsiders– in this case, one of the high achiever is gay and believed that it influenced them to want to be different and distinguish themselves from others
  • Assigned gender roles – in this specific case it refers to the traditional role assigned to men as the provider of the family as both a husband and a father. Achievement is needed in order to provide

Observations: 

  • All the interviewed high achievers who are women or minorities tend to include various elements of external motivation more than those who are men and Caucasian, who tend to attribute achievement to internal motivations and innate circumstances. 

For example the differences in socioeconomic upbringings, lack of access to money and resources, and privilege were often cited as the first few external motivations for women and minorities. The interviewed Caucasian men tend to not cite external motivations for achievement.

These internal and external motivations, along with who are affiliated to each. was a great start to finding what makes certain high achievers more authentic. What is more interesting to me are the subsequent areas we explored as the interviews continued: 

  • Key traits of high achievers – there was much more consistency in the responses 
  • What makes some high achievers authentic? – there is more diversity in answers 
  • Are high achievers who are authentic in their professional lives also authentic in their personal lives – the answers are varied and even surprising

Interested in the interview methodology? Learn more here. 

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Do you know an authentic high achiever you wish I’d interviewed? Message me their name! I would love to invite them into a bigger study.

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When you’re told that you’re “not a team player” and a “micromanager”, what do you do?

High achievers and leaders come in all sorts of sizes and shapes, literally and figuratively. They are able to get things done in different ways and still be effective.

But what happens when you are told that “you’re not a team player” or “you’re a micromanager”? What do you do?You know that you are responsible for the outcome whether it is generating a positive P&L, reaching a revenue target, managing a team that gets projects done well and on time, or achieving other milestones AND you know that you cannot do it alone.

No matter how rich or poor, short or tall, elegant or clumsy, laid back or hard charging we are, as an individual we each only have 24 hours in a day. Given this inherent limitation, there is so much that one can do during that time period. To unlock more capacity within yourself or any organization, working through other people is a necessity but if others do not want to work with you then how can you achieve more? This is the chicken and egg question that “micromanagers” face.

To put this situation in perspective, I’m introducing 4 archetypes of high achievers. This archetype helps you see what are your motivations and the capacity you have for achievement.

On a high level the archetype is based on a two by two matrix that consists of:

  • Motivation on the x-axis. This is the fuel behind your drive; the why of what you do, whether it is past, current, or future endeavors.
  • Capacity on the y-axis. This is how you are playing to your strengths and limitations; how you are currently achieving or how you would like to do it differently.

When you juxtapose these two axis, you get the 4 archetypes of high achievers:

If you are being labeled as a “micromanager” or “not a team player” then you are likely a Charismatic Manager archetype. You have motivations that are fueled by Existence needs AND have strong Adaptive capacity. You have a strong need to create outcomes in a certain way and value control, order, effectiveness. These are the people who can get things done by powering through situations and people.

When you know who you currently are, what motivates you, and what capacity you have then you can decide: do I want to stay as is or change? Every archetype has its benefits and limitations. The idea is to be aware of what archetype you are and consciously choose to either continue or change your behavior to get to your goals.

Charismatic Managers can certainly get things done but it is in a certain way. So the goal is not to hide that – in fact let people and organizations know that you operate a certain way, what it takes to succeed with you, and let people choose if they want to work with you. It’s disingenuous to say you value collaboration and teamwork when control is important to you. Some people like to work in hierarchy, others abhor it. So when you authentically know and show who you are, other people can self-select what works for them. High self knowing and matching with others is the key.

If you want to know more about your archetype or any of these archetypes then message me. I wrote a 6 page white paper about this and am happy to share with you if you want to dive deeper.

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Coach who believes that it is possible to be authentic AND effective at whatever you want to do.

Website + newsletter sign up: https://pannapanya.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

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The 4 myths of authenticity

Today I am going to bust some myths about authenticity. Myths are beliefs that appear in story form. Beliefs are powerful, especially if they are operating unconsciously because they shape our feelings, thoughts, actions, and behaviors in deep ways. Sometimes these beliefs are helpful, sometimes they are harmful.

Here are some myths about showing up more authentically in the world:

  • Being authentic means that I have to be authentic ALL the time.

No one is one thing all the time. To be authentic means we need to know what is happening inside of us. In this complex, fast moving, and sometimes confusing world, I am not sure if it is possible to know all the time.

Sometimes it requires a gentle marination for things to really sink in, other times it requires some waiting for what is really bothering me to surface, and sometimes it requires some soul searching in a quiet space to get to the heart of what matters. So sometimes being authentic takes time.

Also it can not be safe to be authentic – there may be ramifications on our job, promotion, salary, retirement fund, or physical safety. So it’s wise to not show up fully if there are consequences that may hurt me or my family. While I mourn that it is sometimes unsafe to be authentic, I also want to encourage people in these situations to find some space and people with whom they can be real with, for it is important to be seen and known.

  • Being authentic means sharing what comes up for me right away.

I believe that people who share things right away are actually being reactive, not authentic. When we are in our authenticity there is a sense of groundedness, a stability of some sort that tells us that this is who we are and it is important to share this. It is not from a place of knee jerk backlash because we feel hurt or uncomfortable.

I know I am being reactive when I am coming from a place of hurt and blaming others vs. telling others what is happening inside me. For example, a reaction is: “You are such a jerk! I can’t believe you are doing this again even though I told you 100 times not to!” and authenticity is “When you did (specific action) again, I felt really upset and hurt because I remember telling you about how much it bothers me and you are doing it right now.”

  • You are either innately authentic or you are not.

Just as a baby doesn’t pop out of the womb and say “hmmm…I better be adorable and please my caretakers so I will get what I need,” no person is born inauthentic. While a baby may be super adorable at times, it also poops, screams, and vomits all over the place with no apologies. That means we are born authentically expressing what we need and want – not holding back at all, even if that means a literal shitty situation.

Having worked with elementary school aged children, I know kids are so authentic: they either like you or they don’t and they tell you as it is. This is why I believe that we are born authentic and then have to learn to hide – to hide what we are thinking, feeling, or experiencing so that we can be cared for, accepted, and liked.

  • If I am being authentic then others won’t like or accept me for who I am.

This is a big one because at the heart of it all: how do we balance between being more authentic AND being in harmony with others. This is a conundrum but it is not an either/or situation. It is possible to both be authentic and grow closer to other people. When people know that what they see is what they get, they can relax into the authenticity and start trusting what is in front of them. When person A expresses what is really going on inside of them, person B can also see those parts in themselves and feel more connected to person A. If person A doesn’t express what is going on, then person B can only make up their own stories using assumptions which may or may not be true.

With each myth there is so much nuance. It is not a one size fits all because being authentic is not a template. Upon learning about these myths, which ones do you have? Which ones have an impact on your life – on how you show up in your professional and personal relationships?

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Coach for driven professionals who struggle to be more authentic and want to feel connected in relationships – personal or professional. I nourish their inner connection so they can be authentic AND effective at whatever they want to do.

Website: https://pannapanya.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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What I tell clients who are new leaders and feel lost in their new role

You’ve made it! You recently got promoted or hired for your dream role – a higher level position that gives you more power, responsibilities, and financial rewards. Congratulations! This is a sweet place to be – a testament to all your work, qualifications, talents, skills, and experience.

Yet… you feel lost and have no idea what to do. Rationally you know that you were hired because you are competent and qualified but somehow you feel uncertain and it can show up in different ways:

  • You think to be a leader you need to be a “certain way.” You think there is a certain way to act, behave, or even dress that is more acceptable for your role because you see similar patterns of acceptable leadership behavior around you over and over again. Which leads you to think: “If I don’t do things a “certain way” then I won’t fit in or be a good leader.” Yet trying to fit in a “certain way” feels uncomfortable, false, or even stressful to be someone you are not.
  • You don’t know quite how to interact with the team that you lead. Are you supposed to be a friendly or not so friendly manager? How do you be a manager without being a jerk, especially if you know that some people are not pulling their weight and you need to make some changes on the team that not everyone will accept? So many questions that you don’t know how to answer so you feel disoriented, perplexed, and even annoyed that team dynamics can be so complicated.
  • You want to continuously “prove yourself” to your manager and the leadership team. Even though you logically know that you were hired for very good reasons, you can’t stop thinking that you need to show what you are worth over and over again. This leads to checking emails past your usual hours and crafting a response in mind just so you can be even more prepared tomorrow. You are unsure if the leadership team really has the confidence in you to pull it off. Afterall: they promoted or hired you to solve hairy problems or achieve audacious goals but there is this teeny tiny voice of doubt that doesn’t go away. You’re starting to feel tired and anxious of constantly trying to “prove yourself” to the world.

If any of these scenarios ring true for you then I welcome you and want you to know that it is not crazy or ridiculous to be in this state. Transitions are hard, even if they are welcomed and sought after – such as getting promoted or hired into your dream role. With great powers come great responsibilities and you really really don’t want to mess it up!

I hear you. Beyond getting a new title you are actually getting a new identity and you don’t quite know how you fit into this role yet.

So I want to introduce the concept of capacity, which is the energy and willingness that is available to move resources towards specific needs or goals. It is the “how” of what you do or the way you would like to do it. As you shift from into a new leadership role there is a need to develop new or different capacity, or else if you keep operating beyond your capacity you will inevitably break down or stagnate.

Most people are hired into any organization because of their ability to perform or learn specific types of tasks for a particular industry, field, topic, or function. Yet as one progresses in their career, while they are promoted based on technical skills initially they need to transition to relational skills in order to manage projects, people, teams, departments, and whole companies. Relational skills are different from technical skills and may take some time to get the hang of.

You are at a pivotal moment where you are asked to change your capacity as soon as possible. If you can do this well enough then you can unlock more of your leadership ability to get things done through other people. If you currently do not have enough relational skills within your capacity then it can be learned.

Interested in learning more about capacity and specifically where you are at in your capacity development? I wrote a white paper on this. If you want a copy then message me on LinkedIn and I’ll send it to you.

Alternatively, message me on LinkedIn for a 30 minute no-strings-attached meeting with me to understand your capacity better AND get a copy of the white paper. I promise – it will be worth your time and give you another perspective to your leadership situation.

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Nancy Li is a coach who truly believes that you do not have to choose between being authentic, getting to your goals, and having your needs met.

I work with high achievers who feel stuck, new leaders who have no idea what to do, and driven people who are “not a team player” yet need to work with others to get things done.

I can help you show up more as your real self AND be more effective at your job or whatever it is you want to do in life.

Website: https://pannapanya.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

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Are you a high achiever who feels stuck at your job?

On paper you look good:

  • You clearly check off all the boxes of skills and experiences that your company values
  • You’re competent at your job and are known for getting things done
  • You’re probably one of the most knowledgeable and experienced person on the team

But somehow you feel stuck – that you don’t have what it takes to get to the next level, whether it is getting that promotion, getting new clients, expanding your portfolio, closing that deal, or finding a new role.

How do you know you’re stuck? Here are some telltale signs:

  • You are not on the “sexy projects.” Let’s face it: we all know which projects, clients, prospects, or deals are hot and important. These “sexy projects” give people the visibility, recognition, and connections to the right champions and sponsors who lead them to their next opportunity and role. You clearly qualify for these “sexy projects”… yet you are never tagged onto the team. You’re starting to feel resentful and peeved at continuously not being picked.
  • You’re doing all the “right things” such as taking on extra projects via secondments, staying (much) later to get things done, or networking like crazy. But… it’s not getting the connections or recognition that you want.You get no signs that this will lead you to where you want to go. It’s frustrating, confusing, and even agonizing to know that maybe you are wasting your time doing all the “right things” and going nowhere.
  • You see other people (who may be just as or less qualified as you are) getting ahead. They are getting staffed onto “sexy projects” or even leading them, they are getting lunch or coffee chats with the movers and shakers – while you can’t even get the mover and shaker to answer your email!, and they are getting all the right signs that they will be successful. It makes you so angry, dejected, and exhausted to know that you’re just as qualified but not going anywhere.

So if any of this resonates, I invite you to first acknowledge how painful this situation is – literally it hurts to know in your bones that you are a high achiever AND really stuck where you are right now. I want to not deny the situation or your feelings because even though it feels horrible – seeing where you really are is a great start to get to where you want to go.

The next thing is that I want to examine your own motivations.

Why? When we are stuck, it is often because we are stranded between two things– you are not motivated enough to get out of the situation (i.e.: there is something about the current situation that is still benefiting you) AND you are not motivated enough to go after what you want (i.e.: you don’t have clarity about what you want or subconsciously you actually want something else that you can’t articulate yet).

Motivation is the fuel behind your drive to get somewhere – anywhere. It is the why of what you do, whether it is past accomplishments, current projects, or future goals you want to achieve. Without knowing your motivational “why”, it’s hard to get started – nevertheless go anywhere.

While there are a multitude of motivation frameworks, there is one that I like to use with clients to figure out what makes them tick and also change. Motivation is also one of the characteristics of being a high achiever.

If the details in this article resonates with you, then I hope you can see that you are not the only high achiever who feels stuck. I have worked with people who feel this way and also founds ways to be unstuck.

So if you are interested in getting more clear about your motivations as a high achiever and be less stuck then email me at hello@pannapanya.com. I am glad to send you a white paper I wrote on this topic, so you can explore more.

Or better yet, email me at hello@pannapanya.com saying that you want a 30 minute no-strings-attached meeting with me to understand your motivation better AND get a copy of the white paper. I promise – it will be worth your time and give you another perspective to your stuckness. You do not have to be alone in the stuckness.

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Nancy Li is a coach for driven professionals who struggle to be more authentic and want to feel connected in relationships – personal or professional. I nourish their inner connection so they can be authentic AND effective at whatever they want to do.

Website: https://pannapanya.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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How to deal with SOMEONE ELSE’S “big feelings” at work?

In another article I shared about “How to deal with YOUR “big feelings” at work” but I know that I cannot be the only person with big feelings at work – tough triggering moments also happen to colleagues, managers, clients, or anyone who has a pulse because we are all human.

When you notice someone is having a big feeling moment which may appear via shouting, saying harsh words, belittling, crying, or criticizing, what can you do?

You’re not their parent but it is getting increasingly uncomfortable to either witness someone unleashing their big feelings on someone else OR unwittingly being on the receiving end of their big emotions. So how do you ameliorate the situation or at least not get hurt by the shrapnels of big feelings?

It depends if the big feelings are directed at you or not.

Situation A: their big feelings are NOT directed at you.

  1. Do reflective listening while matching their energy – this is actually 2 skills in 1 move. First you need to let them know that you hear what they are saying AND it makes sense.So phrases like:
  • “I totally get that you are angry at what happened. It’s really disrespectful!”
  • “It makes a lot of sense that you’re upset about this situation.”
  • “It’s sad that things didn’t work out even though you’ve been putting in extra effort and time into it.”

Or anything other phrases that acknowledge what they are going through.

The second skill is this: match their energy. If someone is loud and screaming, if you are quiet then it’s not on the same wavelength. You don’t necessarily have to yell and scream at the same decibel but you want to talk louder and closer to their audio range so you’re displaying passion and energy that is at their level.

  1. Guess their needs – behind every feeling there is a need for feelings are the messengers. Based on what they shared, start guessing:
  • “I’m guessing that you really want some respect from your manager instead of them disregarding your work!”
  • “Do you need some peace of mind and spaciousness? So you can actually hear yourself think?”
  • “Perhaps you need some appreciation of the work and effort you’ve been putting in?

The secret is this: you do NOT have to guess correctly. You just need to guess their needs. If you guessed correctly then you will physically see a change: a relaxing in the body, a letting go of the big emotions, or a sigh of relief that someone hears and sees them.

If you guessed incorrectly then they will literally say, “No, that is wrong and is not what I need. I need _______.” (or some version of this). Then you reflect back what they say which means you guessed correctly.

At this point the person would calm down enough. Then you ask them if they need anything else or have someone else continue to help them.

Situation B: their big feelings ARE directed at you.

  1. Do reflective listening. If you value your life, dignity, or peace of mind do NOT say:
  • “It’s not my fault.”
  • “The reason why I did this is because _________.”
  • “I have no control over this too so stop blaming me!”
  • “It’s actually John/Jane who caused this mess, not me!”

Or any other phrases that try to defend yourself. At this point if the person has big feelings directed at you, they are upset at YOU. So any defense or deflection will add fuel to their fire – transforming it from an alarming campfire to a raging 20 foot bonfire that is suitable for presenting sacrifices.

So keep saying what you heard them say, word for word if needed:

  • “I hear you say that I am being a jerk.”
  • “So what I did really hurt you and was super inconsiderate.”
  • “You really don’t like how the meeting went and think I’m responsible since I didn’t update the graphics that you told me to last night.”
  1. Keep doing reflective listening like your life depends on it! If someone is mad at you, just reflecting back on one issue that contributed to their big feelings is not enough. Let the person keep sharing and you keep doing reflective listening until the other person gets a very clear idea that you understand enough of their pain, confusion, concern, or anything else. The other person needs the space to be fully seen and heard. This may take a while (10, 15, or even 30 minutes) but once you can sense the other person has calmed down and is less riled up then you can
  2. Share what is going on for you.This is the opportunity for you to share any feelings, regrets, or perspectives related to anything the person previously said but remember: focus on the key issue and do not get derailed by any details that may bother you. You can address the details later but first focus on the big picture. Example:
  • “I feel really sad that you called me a jerk because I really care about being respectful. So I’m surprised that I came off that way.”
  • “Now that I heard and understand everything that is going on for you, I feel a bit confused because based on our conversation last week I thought I was responsible for the initial email and you were responsible for the follow up.”
  • “This is actually a lot for me to take in right now. Can we take a 15 minute break and then I can share my perspectives on what happened?”

If you don’t think they heard you or understand you then you can also ask them to tell you what they are hearing. Now that you have both pieces of the puzzle: what is going on for the other person and what is going on for you, now you can figure out what to do next, how to prevent such a misunderstanding from happening again, or how to fix the situation.

So here it is: ways you can deal with someone else’s big feelings in the workplace, whether the big feelings are directed towards you or not.

BUT these are not formulaic robotic phrases for you to write down AND you really have to practice a few times to get it. As you can imagine: these are stressful situations and you gotta get some practice in before you go to the big leagues.

What you say has to come from a genuine place of care – not that you have to care so deeply that you promise to take away all their pain but that you care because as a human we sometimes are in pain. You’ve experienced that pain and know how hard it is, so you care for them in a way because you know they are going through a tough time – regardless of who is the trigger for it.

Being human, miscommunication and misunderstandings can happen so using reflective listening, as well the courage to make guesses and share what is happening for you, can help repair any rupture that happens.

If you know of someone who is dealing with a lot of big feelings at work then forward them this article. It will make them feel better to know they are NOT the only going through this AND they get to have some practical frameworks and tools to get started on handling these situations in a different way. This is a great start and if you want to learn more or practice this with me then message me on LinkedIn.

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Nancy Li is a coach who truly believes that is it possible to be both authentic AND effective. Actually being authentic makes you more effective, not less, because what people like it when what they see is what they get and they like what they see.

If you want to learn more about this perspective about being authentic AND effective then connect with me

Website: https://pannapanya.com

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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What I wish granny would really tell me

These last few weeks have been heartbreaking: granny (my mom’s mom) fell and broke her femur a few weeks shy of her 89th birthday. Although my mom is currently her paid caregiver of 40 hours a week, thanks to a New York City program that pays family members to caregive, I do not want my mom to burn out now that granny needs night time care too.

So I decided to be a caregiver for 2 weeks in Brooklyn. While the physical distance from Philadelphia (where I live) and Brooklyn (where I grew up) is about 100 miles, it is a different world.

In Philadelphia I get to be this accomplished professional, independent woman, coach with time and spaciousness to explore and care about what matters to my clients, reader of books, and networker. In Brooklyn I am the eldest child, daughter, granddaughter, caregiver, sister, and cousin. Within 100 miles my identity transforms and also reverts back to the physical childhood spaces, alongside familial roles and conditioning.

These two weeks had been the second hardest time of my life. The first time was when I took care of granny for 10 days after she had a septic infection of her large intestine, resulting in an emergency surgery to remove that organ which ended up with her having an ostomy where shit literally falls out of her abdomen into a plastic pouch.

Both times granny kept saying the same thing to me, “You are the best grandchild because you do so much for me.”* Besides being an occasional caregiver, I am also her translator, ostomy supply orderer, and medical coordinator given the English-Cantonese language gap.

Every time I hear her say this, I tear up – I do so much for her because I love her. She was the only adult who was non physically or verbally violent to me and my younger brother when we were children. So despite our differences in politics, how to live life, and how much we choose to say what is really on our minds, for that alone I am eternally grateful for as long as she lives and beyond.

During this difficult time a friend asked me:

What would you want to tell granny?

The reality is that I have already told her what I wanted to tell her:

  • I love you
  • Thank you for being a nonviolent person in my life so I can know that receiving love and care as a child doesn’t have to be physically or emotionally hurtful
  • Thank you for being alive
  • Thank you for being a single mom to 3 children during Communist Revolution in China
  • Thank you for surviving
  • Thank you for being alive until my adulthood so I can have a role model of gentleness and care in a world that thinks these things are weaknesses
  • Thank you for being one of the strongest person I know
  • Thank you for being my granny

What would I want granny to tell me?

In response to this question, I want to tell her: “I don’t want you to love, care, or value me because of what I do. Instead of saying ‘You are the best grandchild because you do so much for me,’ I yearn for granny to tell me:

  • I love you because you matter. Full stop. You don’t have to do a single thing for me in order for me to love or care for you.
  • To matter – you don’t need to deserve or earn any recognition or attention from me or anyone else because of what you achieve, how smart you are, how you patiently or impatiently you navigate the healthcare system for me, how you took time from your life to cook for me, wash dishes, wipe my body, talk to me, do laundry, and ask about how I am doing.
  • You matter to me just because you are alive. You do not need to do anything more in your life to be more precious to me: you are inherently precious because you are you.
  • No matter how different our perspectives, lived experiences, and lifestyles may be, you do not have to change a single thing about you to please me. You please me: as you are right now and I love you for it.

This is what I wish granny could tell me.

This is what I wish we were all told.

This is what I wish everyone could hear.

This is what I wish we could tell ourselves.

This is what I know to be true.

* My brother is also amazing: loving and taking care of granny in his ways.

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Nancy Li is an authenticity coach and she deeply cares about people mattering – that we don’t need to earn care or a place in the world. Similar to what she expressed in this article – she passionately believes that our ability to truly express ourselves is innately tied to our care and effectiveness at whatever we want to do, whether it is taking care of another, running a team, or building a business.

If you hold similar views, I would love to connect. Connect with me on LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/) and send me a message.

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How to deal with YOUR “big feelings” at work?

Before I go any further: let’s define what “big feelings” are. While it’s a phrase that has gotten popularized in the gentle parenting world and in some parts of the general lexicon, people who don’t have kids or don’t know – just don’t know.

Big feelings are intense emotions that quickly burst up reflexively and can include strong feelings of anger, offense, rejection, hurt, and such.

These big feelings can arise because of a certain situation, person(s), or thing that is just not working out or perhaps there is even conflict.  So if you are a human being who has a job AND works with other living breathing human beings, I’m willing to bet big money that you’ve had big feelings at work before. I know I have.

Unlike a child who has both big feelings and a gentle parent (or two) closeby to soothe these feelings, you are just left with big feelings AND the colleague, client, manager, or situation that is stirring up these big feelings. So what can you do in these situations so that you don’t totally lose your cool on the outside and remain professional while you’re roiling on the inside?

Here are 3 steps to deal with your big feelings:

First: Do NOT invalidate your big feelings – look: the world can be an invalidating place as it is with imposter syndrome, cancel culture, and gaslighting. Your feelings are a big deal – to you! So please do not invalidate them because if you keep invalidating what you feel, sooner or later you will develop a mistrust of yourself because feelings are just messengers of what is important. If you keep dismissing the messenger then you will never hear the important message.Learn to listen to the message.

Next: Acknowledge your big feelings – instead of invalidating your big feelings with “it’s no big deal” or “I shouldn’t feel that way” (aka “shoulding” all over yourself), acknowledge that no matter how petty, silly, stupid, illogical, futile, hopeless, or helpless the big feeling may be, that feeling is here for now. By the way, have you noticed: every time you should all over yourself, who does it sound like? I am also willing to bet the shoulding is in another voice other than your own.

What can you do instead? Maybe you can:

  • Say to yourself “Yep I feel intensely feeling words right now, like I can insert an action or something that the Hulk would say or do.” E.g.: “Yep, I feel intensely pissed off right now, like I can smash a car with my giant oversized green fists.”
  • Focus on your breathing. Literally – notice the feeling of the air coming in and out of your nostril five times. Then notice your big feeling and tell it – “I notice that you are here.”
  • Write your big feeling out on a piece of paper, cradle it in your hands – like a little bird with broken wings. Tell it: “Yes I know you want to fly but for now you are here.”
  • Or find other ways to acknowledge what you feel

Note that acknowledging is not about right/wrong, should/shouldn’t, or good/bad thinking (e.g.: if I feel this way then it is bad, if I feel that way then it is good). Acknowledge just means that you know that it exists – you know this feeling exists in this moment for now.

Lastly: Ask the big feeling: for you to appear this strongly to me, what is the important thing that you want to tell me? And then wait. Just wait. Don’t analyze, extrapolate, think any harder, berate yourself, doubt, or judge. Just wait and listen for 3 minutes. Set a timer if you like.

Sometimes the big feeling will tell you what is important and maybe it is:

  • I need to be respected and what just happened was really disrespectful to me
  • People need to stop talking over me! Seriously my voice and perspectives matter
  • I am overwhelmed and need my own space and time to process all this information

If it does, then thank the big feeling for showing up and sharing the important message with: “Hey, thanks for letting me know what is important to you.”

Sometimes the big feeling can’t tell you what is important right away. That’s ok too, just sit with it for a bit longer and see what happens. If silence and uncomfortableness continues then say: “Thank you for showing up – it is enough just for you to show up today.”

Try out these 3 steps on a big feeling you recently had OR the next one that comes up. After doing these 3 steps: what happened and how did you feel afterwards? I would love to know so I can either celebrate that you were able to deal with your big feelings or acknowledge: wow that was tough. So if you want some celebration or acknowledgement about how you deal with a tough situation or big feelings at work, message me on LinkedIn.

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Nancy Li is a coach who profoundly cares about people stepping into their authenticity so they find what fuels their drive, instead of living from the expectations of others.

Website: https://pannapanya.com

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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When your sibling is missing in caregiving land

Here you are prepping lunch for your aging parent who recently got out of the hospital. Whether you are chopping up veggies or figuring out what your parent can eat post-hospitalization from the local takeout menu, a niggling thought pops back up again: where is this sibling of yours?

You mentally know that you are not the only child. Whether you have 1 or more sibling, it doesn’t matter: your sibling exists. So how come they are not showing up?

You have a day job too, managing high functioning teams or leading important projects. So your time and energy is also precious. Why is it easier to get things done at work than it is at home for your parent?!?!

Sure your sibling showed up at the hospital when things were urgent and helped with some things like trying to decipher the medical language and what to do next. Now that your parent is out of the hospital they are nowhere to be found.

You have reached out via text telling them what your parent needs, hoping that it is a strong enough message: I can’t do this alone and need help! But it has been radio silence. Even when you do get on the phone, they are pretty quiet and don’t really ask about you… or your parent… so what is happening!?!

This niggling pre-lunch thought now turns to anger: where the heck is this sibling!?! I’m exhausted and have been taking care of my parent for days if not weeks after the hospitalization – managing their bills, figuring out what they can or cannot do, trying to remember the 1,000 things the medical professionals told me, managing their medication, etc. I am about to burnout. So why is my sibling MIA?

As these thoughts whirl around in your head, it is easy to spiral into an emotional whirlwind. I invite you to take 3 deep breaths. This may be the first time in a while that you have to yourself and it is an overwhelming place to be. Take 3 deep breaths to pause and check in on how you are feeling.

Clearly you are angry (maybe even resentful), tired, discouraged, and overwhelmed. Caregiving is not meant to be a solo task and you need help, as soon as possible. Even if it is not physical help, you may need emotional or mental support as caregiving can be a marathon and not a sprint. You’re currently working 2 jobs, one of which actually trains and pays you and one of which drains you and has no training or support.

Right now you need to take care of yourself – put on your oxygen mask first. There are many strategies to have more support, balance, and ease in this caregiving situation but the first thing is just to acknowledge that “I need help.” Since your sibling isn’t responding, I encourage you to do this: text 3 different friends, people who you trust can lend a sympathetic ear, this message: “It’s been a bit rough taking care of my parent, can I share what is going for me for 15 minutes this week?”

Your friends now know you need help and a space to share what’s happening. This is the first step and sometimes it is not easy to ask for help but if you choose to continue to be a caregiver then this is a skill, a muscle, that you will need to learn to exercise. Getting in touch with what you truly need on this journey is something that takes time and will ultimately sustain you.

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Nancy Li is a coach for driven professionals who struggle to be authentic and want to feel connected in relationships.She helped people navigate caregiving journeys by connecting them with their authenticity and what they need to be a caregiver and not burn out emotionally, physically, or mentally.

Website + newsletter sign up: https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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Borrowing legitimacy through “we”, “us”, and “people” statements

Here I was on this retreat with 15 other people who practice or teach nonviolent communication* and it felt like a playground!I was surrounded by peers who were all:

  • Skilled enough to communicate about feelings and needs
  • Have a certain level of self awareness and self accountability
  • And there is collective capacity to handle any emotional eruption

It felt freeing – that I have the spaciousness to authentically express any emotion and it will be ok. No one is scared of tears, anger, or silence and collectively we can help each other.

We were also practicing a feedback process. In this process if person A feels uncomfortable about what person B did or says, person A can process the situation with another person (who is not person B). Then they can share it with person B in a facilitated conversation.

The idea that if there is any tension, misunderstanding, or conflict between 2 or more people, the feedback process is a way to be heard and understood so that interpersonal and group cohesion can be repaired and nourished.

Here I was free as a bird at this retreat… until one of my roommates said that they had an impact from me! This person A is quite sweet, we’ve gotten along well, and they even gave me an arm massage when I said I was tired. So I wondered: what did I do to offend them!?

They said that it was a small thing, that they didn’t need processing, and can share now. I felt comfortable enough to receive the feedback from person A. So here goes – a live facilitated conversation in front of a group of 10 or so people.

The impact on person A was this: a few nights ago, we as a group had an intense and emotional discussion in the evening after dinner. I am an early bird and was barely able to keep up with the intensity and depth of the conversation. So I suggested that the group “no longer have intense discussions at night because people don’t sleep well afterwards.”

Person A, on the other hand, was a night owl and reveled in the intense discussion! They felt so amazed and lit up by it. So when I said “people don’t sleep well afterwards” they felt really excluded. They shared that they experience this feeling of separation and exclusion from a young age from not really fitting in. I felt sad and regretful that this offhanded comment had an impact on them.

The facilitator asked me to reflect back what I heard until Person A felt truly heard, which I was able to do. I can see the tension being released from their body when I was able to tell them that my words had an impact by contributing to the sense of exclusion in them.

Then the facilitator asked: what is alive in Nancy and would like Person A to know?

I sat quietly for a moment and tears streamed down my face. I said this, “When you told me that I said ‘people’ and it really excluded you, I realized that I have a pattern of saying ‘people,’ ‘we,’ or ‘us’ so I can legitimize what I really want. I am borrowing legitimacy to express what I want because I am not sure that if I say what I truly wanted that 1- people would care at all and 2- would it even matter?!” Tears continued as I spoke.

Person A looked at me with such compassion and warmth.

At this point I was getting mad at myself: “Why am I the one who is crying when it was Person A who got affected in the first place?!?!”

I told the facilitator, “I feel guilty for crying when it is Person A who was bringing things up in the first place and now I’ve made it all about me in front of all these people!” The facilitator asked two questions of the group:

  • Who feels closer to Nancy now that she has shared what is alive in her? Everyone’s hands went up
  • Who feels like they understand Person A and Nancy better now? Everyone’s hands went up

I felt a sense of relief, lessening of the shame, and this deep sadness that I have been using “people/we/us” statements to legitimize what I really want.

Person A and I went on to discuss agreements for what we can do if this happens again.

We agreed: if and when Person A hears me use “people/we/us” statements again, since I may not be aware of using them given my conditioning the Person A can ask, “Nancy I heard you say “people/we/us,” can you let me know what do you mean by that? I want to deepen my understanding.”

So this is a story of me mourning my own lack of authenticity sometimes. That even I (a person who studies, coaches, thinks about, speaks, writes, and does workshops about authenticity a lot!) can default to certain patterns of inauthenticity because I am not sure if my voice matters, if people even want to listen, or if I use “I” statements then maybe those statements aren’t strong enough to get what I want.

Not only is there a lack of authenticity when I use “people/we/us” statements in this way, it is akin to putting on a mask – I am also learning that maybe I don’t trust others to really hear me.

Finding these deep authenticity blindspots within a caring and skilled community was amazing. Because of a facilitated process and conversation I was able to understand Person A more, feel a lot closer to them, but also Person A felt a lot closer to me and knows me better – authentically with tears and all 🙂

How about you? Have you ever borrowed authenticity before by using “people/we/us” statements? Or perhaps you used other ways to let people know what you want without using “I” statements?

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Nancy Li is a coach for driven professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships.They may default to people pleasing, have imposter syndrome, or put on a mask to be accepted. Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically.

Website: https://pannapanya.com

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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Is there a “true self”?

When it comes to authenticity the idea of “who I am” comes into the picture. For some people it means that there is this “one true self” who shows up no matter what. Similar to how there is one ring to rule them all*. 

While the idea of “one true self” provides constancy and some assurance that things will not change, I don’t believe this is possible because: 

  • Things are always changing. This is a rule of nature for all living things: they are born, they grow, they decay, and then they die. The Nancy at 5 months old, 5 years old, 15, 35, 55, 75, and 105 years old are different creatures with different perspectives, experiences, preferences, skills, beliefs, hopes, and dreams. So to say there is one Nancy that is the “one true Nancy” means that I have to disown, or at least distance myself from, many other Nancys. You can say that there is a Nancy that is more relevant at one point in time but that Nancy changes.  
  • I believe in complexity and there are many parts of us. Have you ever said this: “My heart wants to do this but my head wants to do that.” The feeling of confusion, different pulls, and even torness is the different parts of us showing up. 

So if this is my perspective on the idea of “one true self” then how can there be any authenticity at all!? If I can feel/do/think this way in this situation that involves one group of people and feel/do/think differently in a different situation that involves another group of people, then am I just a shapeshifter who is never authentic? Do I just go where the wind blows because there is no sense of the “real me”? 

For me it relates back to the definition of authenticity, which serves as a north star to this puzzle of is there a “one true self”? 

My definition of authenticity is: 

It is the ability to show up with all of ourselves (including those parts we like, parts we don’t like, parts that we think others like, and parts that we think others don’t like) with openness and tenderness. 

Just as I can learn to mask or hide what I really want to say or do so I become more inauthentic, I can also learn to unmask and be more authentic – this is why authenticity is an ability or a skill for me, not a way of being. 

So if authenticity is an ability then the question of is there a “one true self” becomes pointless because abilities can be upskilled or become rusty with the lack of use.

It is about the willingness and intention of the person to find, study, and practice the skills so they can be authentic vs. the idea of you either are authentic or not. This is the akin to the perennial nature vs. nurture discussions that can be applied to many differences of perspectives. 

I think the “either you have it or not” model shortchanges the possibilities of being human. It’s a very limited perspective that has changed even in science. For example in the 90’s, the dominant scientific belief was that as a baby, humans go through amazing neurological growth but that levels off and decays with age. The discovery of neuroplasticity and the human ability to create more neurons, keep changing, and continuously learn has updated the dominant scientific belief to allow for more possibilities. 

Dear reader, how about you? 

  • Do you think that there is a “one true self”? 
  • Do you think you need a “one true self” to be authentic? 
  • Which then really circles back to a core question: how do you define authenticity? 

* This is for the Lord of the Ring fans out there 🙂 

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Nancy Li is a coach for driven professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships. They may default to people pleasing, have imposter syndrome, or put on a mask to be accepted. Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically. 

Website + newsletter sign up: https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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Reason for the Authentic Musings series: I know that words can be so wonderful and confusing at the same time. 

So the Authentic Musings series is a collection of articles that dive into various aspects and interpretations of high achiever, authenticity, and relationship to reach shared understanding. 

Sometimes it is a deeply personal point of view and sometimes it is from conversations or surveys of others. 

This is meant to be a collective musing so I warmly invite you to share your perspectives on and experiences.