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When you are stuck between both worlds, here is a way to shift and be less stuck

You are stuck between two worlds.

Maybe it is between your work and professional life. Maybe it is between two cultural identities. Maybe it is between what you really want to do and what you do to pay the bills. Maybe it is between what your parents want you to be and who you really are.

Regardless of the scenario, you have one foot in one world and the other foot in the other world and it is tearing you apart. You feel anxious, lost, and confused because you don’t truly belong to World A or World B so you pretend or code switch.

You get on the bus in World A and shut up as things chug along, get off the bus, then get on the bus in World B, and repeat the same process.

But it feels really unsatisfying, like you’re playing different parts instead of being who you are.

The parts may be the loving husband/wife, dutiful daughter/son, competent worker, tireless parent, brave leader or quiet follower. Regardless, it feels inauthentic – like wearing a jacket that is 2 sizes too small and you don’t know how to get out of the bind.

Let me share with you an aha moment for me that allowed me to start slipping out of this restrictive way of being.

I am Chinese American – my parents are from China and I was born and raised in the United States. However I am told that I am not “American enough” by elementary school classmates who pulled up their eyelids and said “ching, chong, wong” to mimic speaking Chinese (which I really had no idea why they did since I neither look nor sound like that). I am also not “Chinese enough” because when I walk into a shop in Hong Kong, without any fluent Cantonese leaving my mouth the shopkeeper knows that I am not from China.

This is the dilemma: I was simultaneously not “American enough” or “Chinese enough” and it felt lonely to be something that is not accepted.

Until one day in my 20s my older and more senior co-worker, who happened to be born and raised in China, was sharing that his wife is pregnant. As I congratulated him on his growing family, he said something to that effect that he wants his child to be like me.

I was so confused: be like me? What do you mean? He answered: “You are Chinese and you are American, you get to choose the best of both worlds.”

I was floored!

Here I was seeing my non belonging as a severe limitation and here he was seeing me and my ability to choose the best components that work for me.

From that moment, my perspective started to shift. Instead of saying “oh it’s terrible how neither Worlds accepts me for who I am,” I can say “I appreciate XYZ about World A and ABC about World B. I wonder what happens when I combine XYZ with ABC – do I get XA or YB or something else?”

I can appreciate the communal and orderly nature of Chinese culture and the liberal and creative nature of American culture. Then I can even mix up different parts and see what happens!

I started sourcing combinations and creativity in a way that is not possible if it weren’t from living on the cusp of two worlds.

This is what I help clients see: them being torn between two different worlds is a source of power for them to get to really know what works and doesn’t work in each world and then combine it in a way that works for them.

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If you are tired of being told to be grateful this holiday season, try this instead

So in addition to hating affirmations, I also dislike the way that gratitude is forced upon us – especially around the holiday seasons*.

There has always been prescribed ways of “being grateful” that made no sense to me, even as a young child:

  • When I couldn’t finish my food, I was told “be grateful for what you have, think of all the starving kids in Africa**.”
  • When I had a tremendous heartache from a break up in my 20s and crying daily, I was told to start a gratitude journal. I was so desperate that I did it… and hated how manufactured and fake it was to be grateful when I was just really miserable. The whole fake it till you make it strategy never worked for me.
  • Why are we mainly told to be grateful around the fall to winter time period? Couldn’t everyday be filled with gratitude? Also why does gratitude seem to revolve around buying things?! This also goes for Valentine’s Day.
  • Where there is so much terrible things happening in the world: war and violence, poverty and hunger, illness and death.

With that being said, I want to share what worked for me in the practice of gratitude.

Everyone practices gratitude differently. I am definitely not a fan of gratitude journaling, where I feel like I am doing a prescribed laundry list instead of expressing something beautiful that organically wells up. So as an adult, I discovered different ways that worked for me:

  • One year I decided to make friendship bracelets. The repetition of tying knot after knot in these slender embroidery threads made me appreciate the amount of work that went into it. I made 3 (1 for me and 2 for other people) and then stopped. It was a nice experiment to find a different way of expressing gratitude.
  • Every year I hand write appreciation and mail notes to anyone who had an impact on me. The format is this: Happy holidays and happy new year! Thank you for your friendship this year. I feel (insert feelings here: warm, joyful, appreciative, inspired, etc.) because of (all the needs they met for me: mutuality, deep listening, empathy, compassion, celebration, mourning, etc.) Looking forward to another year with you! XOXO, Nancy
  • Every year I write a birthday letter to myself. I wish myself a happy birthday, reflect upon this past 12 months, and share well wishes or appreciations for the next year. Then I actually mail myself the letter, receive it, put it away, and actually read it when I feel the need to. I am always amazed at the care my past self has for my future self.

So if you are tired of being told to be grateful in a certain way and dislike gratitude journals as much as I do, then try these other ways and figure out what works for you. Like anything: gratitude is a muscle and we’ve been told to use other muscles (such as shame, blame, and guilt – at others and ourselves) a lot while the gratitude muscle just atrophies from dis or mis use. Let’s get some nice reps in so it actually feels good and authentic to be grateful and appreciate things in life, even when it is tough.

* In case that the two articles about disliking affirmations and forced gratitude makes you draw a logical conclusion that I am a curmudgeon, I want to assure you that I do have joy and gratitude in my life. I just do it in ways that work for me instead of the prescribed mass media way. And yes I do like cute little kids, puppies, and rainbows.

** Note that I was a kid of the 80’s and that was what was said to me even though there are starving children around the entire world.

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For people who don’t like affirmations: 2 alternatives to get to the heart of what you want without them

I have a secret: I hate affirmations with a passion.

If you are a person who loves affirmations then this article is not for you. Close it out and walk away.

If you know of anyone who hates affirmations then share this article with them.

Why do I hate affirmations – you know the thing that when you are down in the dumps and someone tells you to just say what you want (for example: confidence, money, partner, house), act like you already have it, and it will manifest?

A classic example is that if you are not feeling confident then you will say “I am confident” over and over again, sometimes in front of a mirror, and then act confidently and it will manifest in the world.

My whole being just recoils from this. It feels so fake…so inauthentic!

Here are my beefs with affirmations:

  • If I am already confident, then why the heck do I need to say it so many times? Won’t I just BE confident?
  • How do I pretend that I already am or have something when I really don’t… even a 3 year old can tell me what they do or do not have. I am way smarter than a 3 year old!
  • I am a rational human being and my logical left brain is rebelling against you telling me to lie to myself in order to have something.

All this being said, I want to offer 2 alternatives to get to the heart of what you want.

Alternative 1: I am willing…

This alternative expresses your desire or openness for something. Instead of saying “I am XYZ (confident)”, say “I am willing to be XYZ (confident) or have XYZ (confidence) in my life.”

If you still feel yourself recoil because you are feeling particularly vulnerable or unsure if it is possible at all to have that in your life, then ask yourself “Am I willing to be willing to be XYZ (confident)?” and see how you naturally answer.

Sometimes it takes a bit of willingness to be willing to shift perspectives and positions on things to get to what you want more of in the world.

Alternative 2: Change me into one who…

This alternative acknowledges where you are and where you want to be.

You are at point A and you want to get to point B, so ask to be changed into someone who can get from point A to B: “Change me into one who has confidence in juggling/ negotiations/ dealing with my co-workers/ handling bed time with my kids.”

If you find yourself struggling to say “Change me into one who…” then you can use “May I be changed into someone who…”

Note that this may statement is not asking for permission, like “May I have a cookie?” but it’s allowing for something that may or may not happen.

Both of these practices are more believable, more real, and more authentic to me because it acknowledges my resistance and doesn’t force me to be who I am not.

Instead it invites my willingness and my ability to change. I feel more open to things instead of closing down because I am told to be what I am not.

That is why in times of need I can practice these alternatives instead of fighting against what I don’t have or not yet am.

As with any practice: try them on for fit, say it out loud, repeat it several times, do it for several days, and notice what happens.

If you do either or both alternatives, let me know how it goes: comment below or message me.

Take care,

Coach Nancy

PS: I am not saying that doing any of these nullify things are systemic such as some people do speak over others more or that there are unconscious biases at large. However doing these things open you up to the possibilities of stepping into more of who you want to be.

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Authenticity requires you to live in your body – 3 ways to be in your body and let things move when times are tough

We live in such a cerebral world:

  • If I do X then I get Y
  • I know the theory, history, and the million reasons why X, Y, or Z is the way it is
  • Let me tell you about a book, podcast, or video I saw about A, B, and C

Being cerebral is great: it allows each person to synthesize complex ideas into perspectives, identities, and stories that enables that person to live in this world without going crazy.

Yet the current state of being cerebral often times excludes the experiences of the body:

  • Oh I have an ache and pain, I’ll take a pain reliever
  • I’m exhausted but I need to get this done (or put out this fire) again, so let me just work a few more hours (or the whole evening!)
  • This headache, not a big deal – I’ll just get on with my day because there is so much to do!

We want to be real and genuine but only from the neck up – what we think and feel.

So we leave our bodies out – what sensations are we actually experiencing in the body. Maybe it is the worries that tightens our throats, or the anger that swirls around our chest, or the deep well of sadness in the pit of our stomach.

Being totally authentic requires you to live in your body – to know what is going on, acknowledge it, and not push it away.

 

This is especially apparent when we face a crisis, calamity, or tough times. We want to take action – to jump up and change things, solve the problem, and make things better.

Since we are in our heads and our bodies are left out, oftentimes those actions are coming from reactivity instead of authenticity.

So what does one do when times are tough and it feels like crap to be in our bodies?

Here is a video with 3 different ways to soothe this animal body we have – after all humans are animals.

No these ways are not meant to solve all your problems but they are ways to let whatever tension that is in your body have a way to move.

If you are going through a tough time right now, try it out for a few days and see what happens.

Better yet: if you do these things, message me and let me know how you feel afterwards.

Take care,

Coach Nancy Li

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Authenticity needs community

This is a truth: authenticity needs community. For we never truly do anything alone.

Community allows us to learn what your voice actually wants to say and express instead of saying things to avoid judgment, appease others, or to not hurt others. It allows us to be with people who may have done the similar hard thing that you are doing and somehow found a way to weave between the hard lines and soft edges of how to express what is alive in you, your truth, and what you value in a way that others can hear you – actually hear you, instead of just nod, smile, and walk away.

Community lets us mourn and celebrate with others – for both are equally important. To mourn that we regret something or really want something but cannot have it; to celebrate that something you really care for or value is shared.

True community isn’t selfish or exclusionary, it includes and invites: “Come over, sit with me with a cup of coffee or tea in your hand and tell me your story. If I find the story to be overwhelming, would you want to go for a walk with me? Not because I don’t care but I want to honor and take care of what is in you and in me. After our walk, I can listen again.” This invitation is not just for you but also others who seek authenticity and community.

Community allows us to practice: “I really meant to convey this, but somehow it turned into something I didn’t expect or wanted. Can I try again?” and the answer is always a yes.

Community is expansive and allows for different voices to practice. It has so much spaciousness because it is not dependent on 1 person (perhaps a romantic partner) or 2 people (perhaps a nuclear family) but more than that. With more people we have more capacity to face things together.

I hope you have a community that holds your authenticity – with all its rawness, with all its celebrations and mournings, with all its passion and numbness, with all its delight and grief, and the many parts of you.

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Nancy Li is a Coach, Speaker, Facilitator who deeply cares about people tapping into their own authenticity and being effective and connected to whatever it is they want to do.

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Authenticity as the fulcrum to move your inner and outer worlds

We all want to have an impact on the world– whether it is to have children and see them thrive past our lifetime, to contribute our gifts and talents to organizations that acknowledge and reward us, or to help by donating time, effort, or money to make the world a better place.

Yet sometimes we can feel powerless: like the world with its issues and problems are just too huge to think about, nevertheless do something about it.

Sometimes it’s about not having enough time or money. Other times it’s that when you pick a side or choose to do something – someone else is telling you how you are wrong. Other times it is about being scared to tell people what you really think because being judged has a real impact on you mentally, emotionally, or even on your livelihood.

So how does anyone get closer to the possibilities of fulfilling this yearning – to have an impact on the world, in the face of all these hurdles?

As Archimedes*, an ancient Grecian mathematician and inventor, once said: “Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.”

In response I say: let authenticity be the fulcrum to move your inner and outer worlds.

The inner world is your internal mental and emotional state. The outer world is the physical place where you exist with other people, living beings, and things.

When I interviewed and researched authentic high achievers I saw that two things were needed to impel impact.

One thing is motivation – what are you driven by? In a world full of noise, scary news, responsibilities, and financial stress, what is the fuel that drives you towards something, instead of away from something.

Another thing is capacity – how are you doing what you are doing? How are you playing to your strengths and limitations?

You yearn for change and want these fantastic giant leaps that will bring about the change you want in the world. But the gap between where you are and where you want to be is too vast.

This is where the practice of the smallest next step comes in – taking the smallest next step within your current capacity to move forward.

Over time with enough practice, capacity then can evolve from baseline (what you currently can do) to adaptive capacity. Adaptive capacityrelies on changing from depending on mainly technical skills to developing relational skills to get things done.

An example is: you were hired into an entry level job because 1- you have certain technical skills or 2- you are willing to learn these tech skills. Yet as you get more responsibilities and are promoted, you now manage projects, people, or teams. Basically you have to get things done through other people, which requires deeper relational skills.

Changing capacity requires a grounded sense of humility – to accept that you are unskilled at something, to learn new things, and to know you cannot and do not have to do things alone. Another type of self authenticity.

So you want to have an impact on this physical world yet you don’t know how.

Start with self authenticity – be open and willing to explore your inner motivations and capacity and then use that as a fulcrum to create impact on the outer world.

Let authenticity be the fulcrum to move your inner and outer worlds.

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Calling all emerging women leaders in the Philadelphia area:

Join me, Karen Machin – Financial Advisor, and Jessica DeJesus – Tax Advisor for “Women Empowered: Inspiring Authenticity and Building Financial Confidence in Emerging Leaders”a workshop + networking event on October 29th 6 pm.

In this 2 hour event near the Jenkintown SEPTA train station you will learn about the different career phases you will encounter, the authenticity hurdles and money considerations you will face in each phase, ways to deal with the hurdles and considerations, and network with like-minded women who want to support each other.

Space is limited to 35 people so please RSVP right away! If you registered and then are unable to attend then please let us know to allow space for others.

RSVP now: http://bit.ly/4devNFX

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6 things I learned from authentic high achievers

While many people show up authentically in their personal lives, many also hold themselves back in the workplace. Given the hierarchical and power over dynamics in most workplaces, it makes sense to not be authentic in the workplace so one can feel more mentally or emotionally safe and protected.

I want to understand the relationship between achievement and authenticity and what makes some high achievers authentic? I want to learn about the secrets to being authentic and effective in the workplace. For this research project I interviewed the 8 most authentic leaders that I either personally worked with or referred to by other authentic leaders.

You can read the details of the interviews in this 4 part article series, starting here. Each of the questions and responses brought out different insights and here is the Cliff note version of this interview project.

These are the 6 things I learned about authentic high achievers:

1.There are key defining moment(s) in one’s life that shaped who they are and their choice to be authentic. Childhood events and upbringing have an impact on personal and professional authenticity.

2. High achievers are motivated by a combination of internal and external factors. Interviewed high achievers who are women or minorities tend to include various elements of external motivation more than those who are men and Caucasian, who tend to attribute achievement to internal motivations and innate circumstances.

For example the differences in socioeconomic upbringings, lack of access to money and resources, and privilege were often cited as the first few external motivations for women and minorities. The interviewed Caucasian men tend to not cite such external motivations for achievement.

3. The traits that drive consistent long term success in authentic high achiever consists of a deep knowing of themselves and the ability to cultivate different relationshipsthat drives success.

4. Not all high achievers started out authentic in the workplace. For some high achievers, showing up in the workplace authentically is innate, for others it had to be cultivated.

5. While personal and professional authenticity are correlated for many interviewees, for a few it is easier to be authentic at the workplace given the nature of the relationship – not as long term and goal oriented

6. Authenticity is the key to their consistent high achievement.While one can get ahead by being inauthentic or a jerk, authenticity allows for more long term success and ease. This means less personal contortion, workplace conflict, and burnout because their inside and outside are matching. This develops more trust with people who interact with them – clients or coworkers.

So there you have it: insights on what makes certain high achievers authentic in the workplace, where that authenticity comes from, and how authenticity is actually the fuel behind their long term success and consistent high achievement.

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Hi, I am Nancy Li – a coach, speaker, trainer, and facilitator for driven professionals and organizations who struggle to be authentic in the workplace and want more connection and effectiveness in their life.

I am passionate about helping emerging leaders step into their own authenticity. I believe and know that authenticity is their superpower to inspire, motivate, and lead themselves and others. When people know that what they see is what they get AND they trust what they get, then they are more willing to follow or collaborate.

If you are a leader undergoing a transition (whether it is stepping into a promotion or a new dream job) and feel insecure in this new role then reach out to me. Maybe you feel like you have to “act like a boss” or that you have a form of imposter syndrome. You’re tired of “faking it till you make it” because you started questioning: what is fake and what is real?!

I truly believe that authenticity is your superpower and I want to help you step into your authentic leadership.

Message me for a no strings attached 30 minute conversation to explore if we can work together to help you lead with authenticity.

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Are authentic high achievers also authentic in their personal lives? (Part 4 of 4 from the Authentic High Achievers Interview Project)

I want to go beyond the workplace and explore authenticity in people’s personal lives.

I had virtual coffee chats with 8 authentic leaders to explore this personal topic. With their agreement, I’m sharing the results in a 4-part article series. For context: you can read more on the methodology and how I define authenticity.

Today we focus on the third interview question: Are high achievers who are authentic in the workplace also authentic outside of it? Is there any correlation between personal and professional authenticity?

Compared with the previous questions, responses to this question were more intimate and touching. I have a deep appreciation for people sharing their heartfelt stories.

Key findings:

  • There are key defining moment(s) in one’s life that shaped who they are and their choice to be authentic. Childhood events and upbringing have an impact on personal authenticity.
  • While personal and professional authenticity are correlated for many interviewees, for a few it is easier to be authentic at the workplace given the nature of the relationship – not as long term and goal oriented.

These are their personal authenticity stories:

One authentic high achiever had a mom who had PTSD, depression, and anxiety so it felt like walking on eggshells because they never know if the mom is having a good day or a bad day. Because of this, they sought out others who are honest and trustworthy which gave them ground to be more authentic. Since this high achiever also has a first generation low income background, they see challenges as strength builders and adversity as authenticity cultivators. Their family and workplace experiences taught them to see what works, find what doesn’t work, what they want, and how they want to get to what they want. While the spouse of this high achiever commented that they can appear like a “Zelig” which is a movie character who mirrored whoever he is with – this interviewee believes that this is all part of them: the ability to not impose personalities, topics, or approaches to others, to be empathetic but hold boundaries so they do not bleed into another, and to be authentic as appropriate to each relationship.

One high achiever started out being inauthentic in their personal world because they are gay and in the closet. So they created inauthentic versions of themselves to fit into society and avoid retribution. They took on the motto of “fake it till you make it” but at one point started questioning: what is fake and what is real?! The opportunity to be more authentic came with the ability to reinvent themselves. For example: they changed their name from “Billy” to “Bill.” (These names are illustrative and not the interviewee’s name.) They further got to reinvent themselves at 16 years old when they went to a college preparation program away from home on scholarship. In addition to being gay, this person grew up in a poor immigrant family who didn’t fit in. They hid the fact that they were poor by never inviting friends to their home. At this prep school they quickly discovered they were on par, if not better, academically and intellectually than others whose family have much more wealth and opportunity. This gave them the confidence to be themselves, even if they had to run a few laps to get to the starting line of the race. That was when they started coming out and being more authentic about who they are – sexuality and all.

Another high achiever felt like the odd person out ever since childhood since their sibling did not like them and they did not have many friends in the neighborhood. It wasn’t until high school, when they had an opportunity to go to a school across town and was in a different setting that they had a chance to step into their own authenticity. They found friends who were more like them. Having originally been a shy child, they now get to choose to be who they are and start to find their voice.This is how they have the courage as a Black person to challenge their CEO and ask “Are you going to hire the next white man into this role?” which led to conversations about personality, access to opportunities, and representation mattering in the workplace and life. I personally was astounded that this person wasn’t laid off after this direct conversation with the CEO – authenticity and all!

One high achiever believes that if someone is authentic professionally then that person is likely to be authentic personally. However it can be challenging to be authentic in the personal realm. Authenticity in the professional setting has value in terms of leading and engaging with people but in personal settings you can’t see results as quickly because you are playing a much longer term game.A role in a company may last a decade but key personal relationships with your partner, spouse, or kid can (or at least one hopes) lasts much longer than that. So to be authentic and tell your partner that “I don’t really want to do the dishes” or your kid that “I don’t really want to watch another of your baseball games” may not be wise. So there may be incentives to be not as authentic at home because of the longer term frequency of interactions, inability to see impact right away, and the opportunity to mess up more. At the same time forgiveness, trust, and grace are very important in personal relationships. It may be easier to get a dopamine kick from staying late at work and accomplishing something but in the long term attending their kid’s baseball game will result in incremental relational well being.

Another high achiever believes that personal and professional authenticity are ultimately correlated but can be out of line for a period of time, especially since work can take a lot out of them. They reflected on how raising their eldest child and youngest child were so different: the eldest did not receive conversant advice (e.g.: this is what worked for me in this situation, do you want to hear about it?) from them while the youngest did. There is a wish to be more consciously competently authentic at work and at home so it would take less time to be effective and sustainable in whatever they do.

Another high achiever also believes that personal and professional authenticity is correlated. In their case, they had a sibling very close in age, was compared a lot to each other, and the siblings did not get along. It wasn’t until going to the workplace, they started being their own person and was able to be more of themselves without their sibling nearby. That was the start of their own authenticity journey by becoming more confident in themselves. So it was interesting to observe that this person’s authenticity started in their professional life and then permeated into their personal life.

For one high achiever personal and professional authenticity is grounded in internal presence (i.e.: What am I experiencing on the inside?) AND external awareness (i.e.: Is what I see real and can I share it in appropriate ways?) It answers the question – is my self perception grounded in reality and do I have a realistic view of my relationship with others? For this high achiever, personal relationships are more nuanced and complex so stepping into authenticity may be more complicated. For example: it is a much more intimate relationship with a partner where societal roles are complex so the space to be authentic can also be affected.

One high achiever sees personal authenticity as more self driven since it is less about the culture. If one is personally authentic then people will be more willing to come and talk with you because they know they are getting a true viewpoint. This also allows for better interpersonal connection. In the professional world, sometimes it seems like people bring a different personality to work or need to adapt to the environment. In environments where authenticity is not encouraged then people become political because they don’t want the mental anguish of being themselves. But if one is aware of the situation, then they can make a conscious decision to seek environments that encourage authenticity.As a child, this high achiever spoke up and got into trouble so as they got older and wiser they learned to evaluate and ask more questions. As they become more senior in the professional world, there is more room to be themselves because they become more comfortable. With more power there is potential to be more authentic but it is not guaranteed.

I marvel at the range of experiences that stimulated and cultivated authenticity in each of the interviewees. They each had such different backgrounds and spoke openly of painful and joyful experiences that fuel their authenticity.

While there are key defining moment(s), environments, or spaces that gave them room to explore authenticity, there are also distinct choices: to choose not hide anymore, to choose to be with people who are also honest and trustworthy, to choose to have a clear perception of self and relationships, to choose to realize they are just as competent or smart as other people, and to choose to go beyond their upbringing. So in a sense personal authenticity is a choice.

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Do you know an authentic high achiever you wish I’d interviewed? Message me their name! I would love to invite them into a bigger study.

For more articles about authenticity, achievement, and leadership subscribe to the Authentic Musings newsletter!

PS: The first interview question is: What drives high achievers? You can read the article here.

PPS: The second interview question is: What are the traits, characteristics, or qualities of high achievers? You can read the article here.

PPPS: The third interview question is: since not all high achievers are authentic, what makes some high achievers authentic? You can read the article here.

Join the email list to stay up to date on the newest articles. 

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What makes some high achievers authentic? (Part 3 of 4 from the Authentic High Achievers Interview Project)

I want to learn about the magic of authentic leadership.

So I had virtual coffee chats with 8 of the most authentic leaders that either I personally worked with or were referred to by other authentic leaders. With their permission, I’m sharing the results in a 4-part article series. For context: you can read more on the methodology and how I define authenticity.

Today we focus on the third interview question: Since not all high achievers are authentic, what makes some high achievers authentic?

Two surprising findings:

  • Not all high achievers started out authentic in the workplace. For some high achievers, showing up in the workplace authentically is innate, for others it had to be cultivated.
  • Authenticity is the key to their consistent high achievement. While one can get ahead by being inauthentic or a jerk, authenticity allows for more long term success and ease. This means less personal contortion and workplace conflict because there is increased trust in their professional relationships.

For several high achievers, authenticity in the workplace is innate:

It was too exhausting not to be authentic. One high achiever found it too exhausting to be multiple people, so they choose to be the same person – their own authentic selves at work. If people don’t like who they are, then there are limited options to change into. They accept that people will like or not like them (sometimes it includes their own family members) and they choose not to fit into someone else’s expectations since they are usually the odd person in a crowd and felt different from other kids at a young age.

It’s easier to be authentic earlier in their career. As one high achiever noted: in the corporate world it is not possible to be 100% authentic because one is not friends with managers, subordinates, or peers. They find it easier to be authentic early in one’s career but as one gets more responsibility and accountability in an organization it gets harder to be in full authenticity given potential conflicts and ethical situations. So for this high achiever, being authentic later in one’s career means bringing as much authenticity to the role and environment as appropriate. Boundaries and limitations of the work role play into the delicate balance. It is not about acting or being disingenuous, it is about relating to and focusing on shared values even if the other person is very different from them.

Also as a leader, sometimes one has sensitive and confidential information that has an impact on others. Even during those times one can be authentic and truthful: “I have important information that will affect this team. I am not at liberty to share it now but when the information is shared, I will work with the team through it.”

Having a sense of confidence and humilityallowed one high achiever to say that they don’t know something, receive feedback from others, and have transparent communication. This allows others to know and trust them as a leader because let’s face it: people who work with you will know what are your weaknesses. Instead of trying to hide these blemishes, giving others permission to give feedback allows leaders to then improve and then also give feedback in return in a more safe environment because they are actually modeling that behavior. People can see through inauthenticity so authenticity is the consistent way to be successful in the long run because other people don’t have to second guess your leadership.

As another high achiever puts it, “It’s about being true to your word and putting your money where your mouth is.” When they show up authentically and stick to their commitments then they get buy-in from leaders and the team, which builds trust and strong relationships. This trust then fuels the longevity of success. While it is possible to step on others and succeed via inauthenticity, it is not sustainable in the long term.

Having a high standard for self and being able to say “I gave it my all today” is what prompts one high achiever to be authentic. It’s the ability to be consistent inside and outside: matching what they say with what they do. By doing this from day 1, this allows long term success regardless of incentives or reciprocity. Another way to frame this is to ask themselves: what do I want to be known for 5-10 years from now?

For others, their workplace authenticity had to be cultivated internally or externally:

Trim tab theory of authenticity – one high achiever stated that they were not always authentic in the workplace since their priority was getting along with others. However in their career, there were these small openings for being authentic: they would bring more of what they really thought or wanted to the situation, express it, and it was either well received or worked out well. This gave the person increased interest and courage to be more authentic when there was another small opening and another small opening. Bit by bit, the person was able to step in their authenticity at work and more and more doors opened.

They dubbed this the “trim tab theory” of authenticity because similarly how we cannot change the direction of a large boat quickly via the rudder, we similarly cannot just suddenly “be authentic” especially if the environment does not encourage it. A large boat actually has small pieces of metal called the trim tab that stick out and initiate a turn. The rest of the boat including the rudder follows through and eventually the whole boat changes direction. Additionally it stabilizes the boat by adjusting the running angle. I basically see it as a “practice makes better” situation.

A work culture that accepts authenticityencourages them to step into their own authenticity. One high achiever found it hard to “act like a boss,” especially early on in their career when they haven’t done it before. Having a work culture that accepts a level of authenticity is key to them not needing to hide. This includes a safety to be yourself, as this person is gay. They found the curiosity and willingness of others to relate to them in a genuine way a sign of workplace culture that practices authenticity. They would ask specific questions during interviews, see if there is an openness for LGBTQ+ employees and would make career decisions based on this acceptance and openness.

As another high achiever states, “In certain corporate cultures the high achievers are the jerks but they are high functioning and deliver results so they can get away with it.” So authenticity is not needed because one can be brilliant, everyone hates them, but they are needed for the organization’s success. So these are not the companies this high achiever selects for. Instead they seek out other companies where authenticity is valued as something that helps build relationships and creates the greatest opportunities for success. By self selecting for this culture, this high achiever then can consistently show up more authentically and achieve more.

Key takeaway? Over and over again, interviewed authentic high achievers shared that authenticity helps them be more consistently successful in the long term.

Being authentic is not a hit key word of the week that is dropped when it is not useful or trendy. Authenticity is something they consistently practice because it helps them to continue to do what they want to do professionally. This desire to persist then creates more long term achievement, prevents burnout because their inside and outside are matching, and develops more trust with people who interact with them – clients or coworkers.

Next week we will look at the responses to the 4th interview question: are high achievers who are authentic at work also authentic outside of work?

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Do you know an authentic high achiever you wish I’d interviewed? Message me their name! I would love to invite them into a bigger study.

PS: The first interview question is: What drives high achievers? You can read the article here.

PPS: The second interview question is: What are the traits, characteristics, or qualities of high achievers?  You can read the article here.

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What are the traits, characteristics, or qualities of high achievers? (Part 2 of 4 from the Authentic High Achievers Interview Project) 

What if you could interview the 8 most authentic leaders you’ve either personally worked with (or referred to by other authentic leaders)? I did that, and with their permission, I’m sharing the results in a 4-part series. For context: you can read more on the interview methodology and how I define authenticity.

Today we focus on the second interview question: What are the traits, characteristics, or qualities of high achievers?

(The first interview question is: what drives high achievers? You can read the article here.)

In general, the traits of high achievers are split between two categories: a deep knowing of themselves (their gifts and their limitations) and the development of strong relational skills across different dimensions.

The key point is that being smart and talented is not sufficient to be a consistent high achiever in the long term. The ability to develop relationships in different ways is key to get others to be on board with your project, goal, or vision is key, especially as one gets promoted to more senior roles and responsibilities.

Authentic high achievers have a strong self responsibility based on self awareness, confidence, and humility AND developed the ability to get others to swim in the direction that they want to go towards.

Characteristic: Know thyself on a deep level

  • Deep understanding of own capabilities and strengths. High achievers are realistic about their true capabilities, especially as one becomes older and/or more experienced and/or more accomplished, and become more confident about what they are good at and not good at.
  • Adaptability and flexibility fuels the ability to transition successfully from different career stages. Most people are hired into roles that require technical skills, or at least the ability to learn the specific skills whether it is doing polymerase chain reaction in a lab, creating compelling PowerPoint presentations, or code effectively and efficiently. However as one is promoted, even if they are promoted based on technical skills, they now need to manage people or projects, which requires different skills and people may not have the training to manage others.

So the ability to successfully navigate from individual contributor to manager of people to leader of managers is key to being a high achiever. In order to do so, high achievers need to learn new skills and give up certain activities in order to be more strategic. This includes the ability to navigate new social environments and cultures.

  • Having high standards for self– while one does not have to be best at everything to be a high achiever, one has to have sufficient threshold in most areas and excel in specific ones. For example: if one is a triathlete, one does not have to be amazing at swimming, running, and biking. However, one does have to be sufficiently skilled at all three tasks and amazing in at least 1 in order to consistently perform well in triathlons.

It is also important to be good at something you enjoy in order to have long term success. While it is possible to excel at things we don’t like, it is not sustainable in the longer term.

Characteristic: Adapted at developing various relational skills

  • Getting things done through relationshipsbecause no one person can get to a high level by themselves. For example: CEOs tend to have deep networks and relationships to help them achieve.
  • Ability to ask for help is pivotal because no one person can be an expert in every field. One interviewee shared a story: a group of new hires at a prestigious consulting firm was being shown around on their first day. They got to meet different team members, managers, and departments including some who specialized in specific fields. At the end they were given a task of having 24 hours to come up with research on a specific obscure topic that no one had any idea about. Most of the new hires spent all night doing research, crunching numbers, and organizing the information. One new hire just retraced their steps to the specialists they met, requested a meeting, and was able to get the task done in a few hours. Asking for help and not muscling through was a key ingredient to their subsequent success.
  • Nurturing of othersfrees up the time and bandwidth to take on more challenging roles, new skills, and create an ability to get things done through other people instead of taking on everything themselves. While it is possible to achieve as a micromanager – where one prescribes to a specific way of doing things, micromanagers miss out on the satisfaction of supporting the accomplishments of others. It is also possible to be a high achiever as an “expert” which is more of a solo endeavor and does not necessarily rely on the nurturing of others and their accomplishments
  • Openness to feedback and continuous learning– this includes the willingness to receive feedback from others even when it is difficult, knowing what questions to ask, and the confidence to make decisions without all of the information, for it is not possible to have all the right information.

So there you have it: the traits that drive consistent long term success in authentic high achiever consists of a deep knowing of themselves and the ability to cultivate different relationships that drives success.

Next week we will look at the responses to the 3rd interview question: not all high achievers are authentic, so what makes some high achievers authentic?

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Do you know an authentic high achiever you wish I’d interviewed? Message me their name! I would love to invite them into a bigger study.

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Methodology for Authentic High Achievers Interview Series

Authentic High Achiever Interview Series Project Goals:

  • Elucidate findings about high achievers who are also authentic: commonalities and differences
  • Share learnings for anyone who wants to be more authentic in the workplace

Methodology:

  • 1:1 structured qualitative interviews conducted from April – August 2024
  • Interview questions consists of:
  1. What drives or motivates high achievers?
  2. What are the key traits, characteristics, or qualities of high achievers?
  3. Not all high achievers are authentic, so what makes some high achievers authentic?
  4. Shifting over to the personal side: how about authenticity in the personal life? Do you think it is connected or correlated to authenticity in the professional life?
  • Analysis of interviews consist of reviewing notes and looking for repeated or unique themes from responses for insights

Recruitment: 

  • Outreach to previous managers and colleagues who lead teams and organizations, are successful, and get to goals while showing up to work with more of themselves. This can take the form of being honest and transparent, not putting on a mask, or being genuine. During the times I worked with them I never felt like I had to second guess what they said or that I cannot trust what they say is true.
  • Subsequent referrals to other authentic high achievers by the high achievers who were interviewed. 

Interviewee Demographics:

  • Total sample size: 8
  • Gender identification: 3 women, 5 men
  • Race: 1 African American, 1 African, 1 Asian American – originally from the US and moved to the UK, 5 Caucasian – 1 is based in the UK
  • Sample titles and roles: Vice President and General Manager, Executive Director, Vice President Global Strategic Accounts, Senior Director, Senior Executive – Chief Commercial Officer, Chief Growth Officer, President
  • Industry: given my previous background as a business consultant in the pharmaceutical industry, there is quite a strong bias here – every interviewee is in the pharmaceutical industry. While this project would benefit from having perspectives from more industries, I believe that given the goals of this project and the breadth of demographics within gender, race, titles and roles, and company types that the insights are sufficiently useful and applicable to understand what makes certain high achievers more authentic

Sample company types: Fortune 500 multinational pharmaceutical company, technology company, advisory services/consulting

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Authentic High Achievers Interview Series: Part 1 of 4: What drives high achievers?

I believe in studying what works. For example: if I want to be healthy then I would study healthy people, what keeps them healthy, and then borrow their strategies and tactics.

Similarly when I want to understand the relationship between achievement and authenticity I asked this: since not all high achievers are authentic, so what makes some high achievers authentic? So I decided to interview authentic high achievers with 4 simple questions.

While I have defined authenticity in a previous article, how do I determine if a high achiever is authentic? I decided to go with my gut – people who lead teams and organizations, are successful, and get to goals while showing up to work with more of themselves. This can take the form of being honest and transparent, not putting on a mask, or being genuine.

I started by interviewing past managers and colleagues who I think epitomizes achievement and authenticity. During the times I worked with them I never felt like I had to second guess what they said or that I cannot trust what they say is true. This led to referrals to other authentic high achievers for a total of 8 people. For more details of methodology and interviewee demographics refer to the appendix of this article.

The conversations were fascinating and connecting. I reveled in the juiciness and honesty of how they perceive, think, feel, say, and do things that others may not have the boldness or trust to do so (for now).

Today we focus on the first interview question: What drives or motivates high achievers?

The answers were wide and varied, so I am highlighting paraphrased themes and observations.

In general: what motivates high achievers are either internal or external circumstances, stimuli, or situations. Although these categories are not mutually exclusive (since internal circumstances can affect external circumstances and vice versa) these groupings are useful to spot trends.

Internal motivation for high achievement:

  • Competitive personality – they love to win, are determined, do not give up easily, or are natural born entrepreneurs
  • Belief – some people naturally believe that they are supposed to be in certain spaces. They can own a space, show up, and participate at a high level
  • Driven by power and ego – this maybe the desire to achieve rank, financial rewards, or perception of success via status and title
  • Work really hard – this is maybe associated with getting satisfaction from a job well done or getting other people’s approval
  • Desire to make a difference or impact on the world – want to contribute to a better world, help others achieve their goals, or just help other people
  • Deep understanding of the self and personal growth – which includes one’s own strengths and limitations and working with one’s strengths to accomplish and achieve more
  • Fear of failure – this doesn’t mean that high achievers do not fail but because they have a fear of failure, they learn from their failures and try again

External motivation for high achievement:

  • Necessity – some were born to family situations where they had nothing and so they wanted more in life. They worked harder to get what people take for granted
  • Privilege – some are born into situations with more privilege and access. For those who much is given, much is expected
  • Culture – being an American there are the stories of great potential, rags to riches, and the pursuit of big dreams
  • Parents – especially immigrant parents who are pushing their children to achieve more than the parents can themselves
  • Being unique or outsiders– in this case, one of the high achiever is gay and believed that it influenced them to want to be different and distinguish themselves from others
  • Assigned gender roles – in this specific case it refers to the traditional role assigned to men as the provider of the family as both a husband and a father. Achievement is needed in order to provide

Observations: 

  • All the interviewed high achievers who are women or minorities tend to include various elements of external motivation more than those who are men and Caucasian, who tend to attribute achievement to internal motivations and innate circumstances. 

For example the differences in socioeconomic upbringings, lack of access to money and resources, and privilege were often cited as the first few external motivations for women and minorities. The interviewed Caucasian men tend to not cite external motivations for achievement.

These internal and external motivations, along with who are affiliated to each. was a great start to finding what makes certain high achievers more authentic. What is more interesting to me are the subsequent areas we explored as the interviews continued: 

  • Key traits of high achievers – there was much more consistency in the responses 
  • What makes some high achievers authentic? – there is more diversity in answers 
  • Are high achievers who are authentic in their professional lives also authentic in their personal lives – the answers are varied and even surprising

Interested in the interview methodology? Learn more here. 

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Do you know an authentic high achiever you wish I’d interviewed? Message me their name! I would love to invite them into a bigger study.

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When you’re told that you’re “not a team player” and a “micromanager”, what do you do?

High achievers and leaders come in all sorts of sizes and shapes, literally and figuratively. They are able to get things done in different ways and still be effective.

But what happens when you are told that “you’re not a team player” or “you’re a micromanager”? What do you do?You know that you are responsible for the outcome whether it is generating a positive P&L, reaching a revenue target, managing a team that gets projects done well and on time, or achieving other milestones AND you know that you cannot do it alone.

No matter how rich or poor, short or tall, elegant or clumsy, laid back or hard charging we are, as an individual we each only have 24 hours in a day. Given this inherent limitation, there is so much that one can do during that time period. To unlock more capacity within yourself or any organization, working through other people is a necessity but if others do not want to work with you then how can you achieve more? This is the chicken and egg question that “micromanagers” face.

To put this situation in perspective, I’m introducing 4 archetypes of high achievers. This archetype helps you see what are your motivations and the capacity you have for achievement.

On a high level the archetype is based on a two by two matrix that consists of:

  • Motivation on the x-axis. This is the fuel behind your drive; the why of what you do, whether it is past, current, or future endeavors.
  • Capacity on the y-axis. This is how you are playing to your strengths and limitations; how you are currently achieving or how you would like to do it differently.

When you juxtapose these two axis, you get the 4 archetypes of high achievers:

If you are being labeled as a “micromanager” or “not a team player” then you are likely a Charismatic Manager archetype. You have motivations that are fueled by Existence needs AND have strong Adaptive capacity. You have a strong need to create outcomes in a certain way and value control, order, effectiveness. These are the people who can get things done by powering through situations and people.

When you know who you currently are, what motivates you, and what capacity you have then you can decide: do I want to stay as is or change? Every archetype has its benefits and limitations. The idea is to be aware of what archetype you are and consciously choose to either continue or change your behavior to get to your goals.

Charismatic Managers can certainly get things done but it is in a certain way. So the goal is not to hide that – in fact let people and organizations know that you operate a certain way, what it takes to succeed with you, and let people choose if they want to work with you. It’s disingenuous to say you value collaboration and teamwork when control is important to you. Some people like to work in hierarchy, others abhor it. So when you authentically know and show who you are, other people can self-select what works for them. High self knowing and matching with others is the key.

If you want to know more about your archetype or any of these archetypes then message me. I wrote a 6 page white paper about this and am happy to share with you if you want to dive deeper.

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Coach who believes that it is possible to be authentic AND effective at whatever you want to do.

Website + newsletter sign up: https://pannapanya.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

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The 4 myths of authenticity

Today I am going to bust some myths about authenticity. Myths are beliefs that appear in story form. Beliefs are powerful, especially if they are operating unconsciously because they shape our feelings, thoughts, actions, and behaviors in deep ways. Sometimes these beliefs are helpful, sometimes they are harmful.

Here are some myths about showing up more authentically in the world:

  • Being authentic means that I have to be authentic ALL the time.

No one is one thing all the time. To be authentic means we need to know what is happening inside of us. In this complex, fast moving, and sometimes confusing world, I am not sure if it is possible to know all the time.

Sometimes it requires a gentle marination for things to really sink in, other times it requires some waiting for what is really bothering me to surface, and sometimes it requires some soul searching in a quiet space to get to the heart of what matters. So sometimes being authentic takes time.

Also it can not be safe to be authentic – there may be ramifications on our job, promotion, salary, retirement fund, or physical safety. So it’s wise to not show up fully if there are consequences that may hurt me or my family. While I mourn that it is sometimes unsafe to be authentic, I also want to encourage people in these situations to find some space and people with whom they can be real with, for it is important to be seen and known.

  • Being authentic means sharing what comes up for me right away.

I believe that people who share things right away are actually being reactive, not authentic. When we are in our authenticity there is a sense of groundedness, a stability of some sort that tells us that this is who we are and it is important to share this. It is not from a place of knee jerk backlash because we feel hurt or uncomfortable.

I know I am being reactive when I am coming from a place of hurt and blaming others vs. telling others what is happening inside me. For example, a reaction is: “You are such a jerk! I can’t believe you are doing this again even though I told you 100 times not to!” and authenticity is “When you did (specific action) again, I felt really upset and hurt because I remember telling you about how much it bothers me and you are doing it right now.”

  • You are either innately authentic or you are not.

Just as a baby doesn’t pop out of the womb and say “hmmm…I better be adorable and please my caretakers so I will get what I need,” no person is born inauthentic. While a baby may be super adorable at times, it also poops, screams, and vomits all over the place with no apologies. That means we are born authentically expressing what we need and want – not holding back at all, even if that means a literal shitty situation.

Having worked with elementary school aged children, I know kids are so authentic: they either like you or they don’t and they tell you as it is. This is why I believe that we are born authentic and then have to learn to hide – to hide what we are thinking, feeling, or experiencing so that we can be cared for, accepted, and liked.

  • If I am being authentic then others won’t like or accept me for who I am.

This is a big one because at the heart of it all: how do we balance between being more authentic AND being in harmony with others. This is a conundrum but it is not an either/or situation. It is possible to both be authentic and grow closer to other people. When people know that what they see is what they get, they can relax into the authenticity and start trusting what is in front of them. When person A expresses what is really going on inside of them, person B can also see those parts in themselves and feel more connected to person A. If person A doesn’t express what is going on, then person B can only make up their own stories using assumptions which may or may not be true.

With each myth there is so much nuance. It is not a one size fits all because being authentic is not a template. Upon learning about these myths, which ones do you have? Which ones have an impact on your life – on how you show up in your professional and personal relationships?

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Coach for driven professionals who struggle to be more authentic and want to feel connected in relationships – personal or professional. I nourish their inner connection so they can be authentic AND effective at whatever they want to do.

Website: https://pannapanya.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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What I tell clients who are new leaders and feel lost in their new role

You’ve made it! You recently got promoted or hired for your dream role – a higher level position that gives you more power, responsibilities, and financial rewards. Congratulations! This is a sweet place to be – a testament to all your work, qualifications, talents, skills, and experience.

Yet… you feel lost and have no idea what to do. Rationally you know that you were hired because you are competent and qualified but somehow you feel uncertain and it can show up in different ways:

  • You think to be a leader you need to be a “certain way.” You think there is a certain way to act, behave, or even dress that is more acceptable for your role because you see similar patterns of acceptable leadership behavior around you over and over again. Which leads you to think: “If I don’t do things a “certain way” then I won’t fit in or be a good leader.” Yet trying to fit in a “certain way” feels uncomfortable, false, or even stressful to be someone you are not.
  • You don’t know quite how to interact with the team that you lead. Are you supposed to be a friendly or not so friendly manager? How do you be a manager without being a jerk, especially if you know that some people are not pulling their weight and you need to make some changes on the team that not everyone will accept? So many questions that you don’t know how to answer so you feel disoriented, perplexed, and even annoyed that team dynamics can be so complicated.
  • You want to continuously “prove yourself” to your manager and the leadership team. Even though you logically know that you were hired for very good reasons, you can’t stop thinking that you need to show what you are worth over and over again. This leads to checking emails past your usual hours and crafting a response in mind just so you can be even more prepared tomorrow. You are unsure if the leadership team really has the confidence in you to pull it off. Afterall: they promoted or hired you to solve hairy problems or achieve audacious goals but there is this teeny tiny voice of doubt that doesn’t go away. You’re starting to feel tired and anxious of constantly trying to “prove yourself” to the world.

If any of these scenarios ring true for you then I welcome you and want you to know that it is not crazy or ridiculous to be in this state. Transitions are hard, even if they are welcomed and sought after – such as getting promoted or hired into your dream role. With great powers come great responsibilities and you really really don’t want to mess it up!

I hear you. Beyond getting a new title you are actually getting a new identity and you don’t quite know how you fit into this role yet.

So I want to introduce the concept of capacity, which is the energy and willingness that is available to move resources towards specific needs or goals. It is the “how” of what you do or the way you would like to do it. As you shift from into a new leadership role there is a need to develop new or different capacity, or else if you keep operating beyond your capacity you will inevitably break down or stagnate.

Most people are hired into any organization because of their ability to perform or learn specific types of tasks for a particular industry, field, topic, or function. Yet as one progresses in their career, while they are promoted based on technical skills initially they need to transition to relational skills in order to manage projects, people, teams, departments, and whole companies. Relational skills are different from technical skills and may take some time to get the hang of.

You are at a pivotal moment where you are asked to change your capacity as soon as possible. If you can do this well enough then you can unlock more of your leadership ability to get things done through other people. If you currently do not have enough relational skills within your capacity then it can be learned.

Interested in learning more about capacity and specifically where you are at in your capacity development? I wrote a white paper on this. If you want a copy then message me on LinkedIn and I’ll send it to you.

Alternatively, message me on LinkedIn for a 30 minute no-strings-attached meeting with me to understand your capacity better AND get a copy of the white paper. I promise – it will be worth your time and give you another perspective to your leadership situation.

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Nancy Li is a coach who truly believes that you do not have to choose between being authentic, getting to your goals, and having your needs met.

I work with high achievers who feel stuck, new leaders who have no idea what to do, and driven people who are “not a team player” yet need to work with others to get things done.

I can help you show up more as your real self AND be more effective at your job or whatever it is you want to do in life.

Website: https://pannapanya.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

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Are you a high achiever who feels stuck at your job?

On paper you look good:

  • You clearly check off all the boxes of skills and experiences that your company values
  • You’re competent at your job and are known for getting things done
  • You’re probably one of the most knowledgeable and experienced person on the team

But somehow you feel stuck – that you don’t have what it takes to get to the next level, whether it is getting that promotion, getting new clients, expanding your portfolio, closing that deal, or finding a new role.

How do you know you’re stuck? Here are some telltale signs:

  • You are not on the “sexy projects.” Let’s face it: we all know which projects, clients, prospects, or deals are hot and important. These “sexy projects” give people the visibility, recognition, and connections to the right champions and sponsors who lead them to their next opportunity and role. You clearly qualify for these “sexy projects”… yet you are never tagged onto the team. You’re starting to feel resentful and peeved at continuously not being picked.
  • You’re doing all the “right things” such as taking on extra projects via secondments, staying (much) later to get things done, or networking like crazy. But… it’s not getting the connections or recognition that you want.You get no signs that this will lead you to where you want to go. It’s frustrating, confusing, and even agonizing to know that maybe you are wasting your time doing all the “right things” and going nowhere.
  • You see other people (who may be just as or less qualified as you are) getting ahead. They are getting staffed onto “sexy projects” or even leading them, they are getting lunch or coffee chats with the movers and shakers – while you can’t even get the mover and shaker to answer your email!, and they are getting all the right signs that they will be successful. It makes you so angry, dejected, and exhausted to know that you’re just as qualified but not going anywhere.

So if any of this resonates, I invite you to first acknowledge how painful this situation is – literally it hurts to know in your bones that you are a high achiever AND really stuck where you are right now. I want to not deny the situation or your feelings because even though it feels horrible – seeing where you really are is a great start to get to where you want to go.

The next thing is that I want to examine your own motivations.

Why? When we are stuck, it is often because we are stranded between two things– you are not motivated enough to get out of the situation (i.e.: there is something about the current situation that is still benefiting you) AND you are not motivated enough to go after what you want (i.e.: you don’t have clarity about what you want or subconsciously you actually want something else that you can’t articulate yet).

Motivation is the fuel behind your drive to get somewhere – anywhere. It is the why of what you do, whether it is past accomplishments, current projects, or future goals you want to achieve. Without knowing your motivational “why”, it’s hard to get started – nevertheless go anywhere.

While there are a multitude of motivation frameworks, there is one that I like to use with clients to figure out what makes them tick and also change. Motivation is also one of the characteristics of being a high achiever.

If the details in this article resonates with you, then I hope you can see that you are not the only high achiever who feels stuck. I have worked with people who feel this way and also founds ways to be unstuck.

So if you are interested in getting more clear about your motivations as a high achiever and be less stuck then email me at hello@pannapanya.com. I am glad to send you a white paper I wrote on this topic, so you can explore more.

Or better yet, email me at hello@pannapanya.com saying that you want a 30 minute no-strings-attached meeting with me to understand your motivation better AND get a copy of the white paper. I promise – it will be worth your time and give you another perspective to your stuckness. You do not have to be alone in the stuckness.

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Nancy Li is a coach for driven professionals who struggle to be more authentic and want to feel connected in relationships – personal or professional. I nourish their inner connection so they can be authentic AND effective at whatever they want to do.

Website: https://pannapanya.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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How to deal with SOMEONE ELSE’S “big feelings” at work?

In another article I shared about “How to deal with YOUR “big feelings” at work” but I know that I cannot be the only person with big feelings at work – tough triggering moments also happen to colleagues, managers, clients, or anyone who has a pulse because we are all human.

When you notice someone is having a big feeling moment which may appear via shouting, saying harsh words, belittling, crying, or criticizing, what can you do?

You’re not their parent but it is getting increasingly uncomfortable to either witness someone unleashing their big feelings on someone else OR unwittingly being on the receiving end of their big emotions. So how do you ameliorate the situation or at least not get hurt by the shrapnels of big feelings?

It depends if the big feelings are directed at you or not.

Situation A: their big feelings are NOT directed at you.

  1. Do reflective listening while matching their energy – this is actually 2 skills in 1 move. First you need to let them know that you hear what they are saying AND it makes sense.So phrases like:
  • “I totally get that you are angry at what happened. It’s really disrespectful!”
  • “It makes a lot of sense that you’re upset about this situation.”
  • “It’s sad that things didn’t work out even though you’ve been putting in extra effort and time into it.”

Or anything other phrases that acknowledge what they are going through.

The second skill is this: match their energy. If someone is loud and screaming, if you are quiet then it’s not on the same wavelength. You don’t necessarily have to yell and scream at the same decibel but you want to talk louder and closer to their audio range so you’re displaying passion and energy that is at their level.

  1. Guess their needs – behind every feeling there is a need for feelings are the messengers. Based on what they shared, start guessing:
  • “I’m guessing that you really want some respect from your manager instead of them disregarding your work!”
  • “Do you need some peace of mind and spaciousness? So you can actually hear yourself think?”
  • “Perhaps you need some appreciation of the work and effort you’ve been putting in?

The secret is this: you do NOT have to guess correctly. You just need to guess their needs. If you guessed correctly then you will physically see a change: a relaxing in the body, a letting go of the big emotions, or a sigh of relief that someone hears and sees them.

If you guessed incorrectly then they will literally say, “No, that is wrong and is not what I need. I need _______.” (or some version of this). Then you reflect back what they say which means you guessed correctly.

At this point the person would calm down enough. Then you ask them if they need anything else or have someone else continue to help them.

Situation B: their big feelings ARE directed at you.

  1. Do reflective listening. If you value your life, dignity, or peace of mind do NOT say:
  • “It’s not my fault.”
  • “The reason why I did this is because _________.”
  • “I have no control over this too so stop blaming me!”
  • “It’s actually John/Jane who caused this mess, not me!”

Or any other phrases that try to defend yourself. At this point if the person has big feelings directed at you, they are upset at YOU. So any defense or deflection will add fuel to their fire – transforming it from an alarming campfire to a raging 20 foot bonfire that is suitable for presenting sacrifices.

So keep saying what you heard them say, word for word if needed:

  • “I hear you say that I am being a jerk.”
  • “So what I did really hurt you and was super inconsiderate.”
  • “You really don’t like how the meeting went and think I’m responsible since I didn’t update the graphics that you told me to last night.”
  1. Keep doing reflective listening like your life depends on it! If someone is mad at you, just reflecting back on one issue that contributed to their big feelings is not enough. Let the person keep sharing and you keep doing reflective listening until the other person gets a very clear idea that you understand enough of their pain, confusion, concern, or anything else. The other person needs the space to be fully seen and heard. This may take a while (10, 15, or even 30 minutes) but once you can sense the other person has calmed down and is less riled up then you can
  2. Share what is going on for you.This is the opportunity for you to share any feelings, regrets, or perspectives related to anything the person previously said but remember: focus on the key issue and do not get derailed by any details that may bother you. You can address the details later but first focus on the big picture. Example:
  • “I feel really sad that you called me a jerk because I really care about being respectful. So I’m surprised that I came off that way.”
  • “Now that I heard and understand everything that is going on for you, I feel a bit confused because based on our conversation last week I thought I was responsible for the initial email and you were responsible for the follow up.”
  • “This is actually a lot for me to take in right now. Can we take a 15 minute break and then I can share my perspectives on what happened?”

If you don’t think they heard you or understand you then you can also ask them to tell you what they are hearing. Now that you have both pieces of the puzzle: what is going on for the other person and what is going on for you, now you can figure out what to do next, how to prevent such a misunderstanding from happening again, or how to fix the situation.

So here it is: ways you can deal with someone else’s big feelings in the workplace, whether the big feelings are directed towards you or not.

BUT these are not formulaic robotic phrases for you to write down AND you really have to practice a few times to get it. As you can imagine: these are stressful situations and you gotta get some practice in before you go to the big leagues.

What you say has to come from a genuine place of care – not that you have to care so deeply that you promise to take away all their pain but that you care because as a human we sometimes are in pain. You’ve experienced that pain and know how hard it is, so you care for them in a way because you know they are going through a tough time – regardless of who is the trigger for it.

Being human, miscommunication and misunderstandings can happen so using reflective listening, as well the courage to make guesses and share what is happening for you, can help repair any rupture that happens.

If you know of someone who is dealing with a lot of big feelings at work then forward them this article. It will make them feel better to know they are NOT the only going through this AND they get to have some practical frameworks and tools to get started on handling these situations in a different way. This is a great start and if you want to learn more or practice this with me then message me on LinkedIn.

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Nancy Li is a coach who truly believes that is it possible to be both authentic AND effective. Actually being authentic makes you more effective, not less, because what people like it when what they see is what they get and they like what they see.

If you want to learn more about this perspective about being authentic AND effective then connect with me

Website: https://pannapanya.com

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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What I wish granny would really tell me

These last few weeks have been heartbreaking: granny (my mom’s mom) fell and broke her femur a few weeks shy of her 89th birthday. Although my mom is currently her paid caregiver of 40 hours a week, thanks to a New York City program that pays family members to caregive, I do not want my mom to burn out now that granny needs night time care too.

So I decided to be a caregiver for 2 weeks in Brooklyn. While the physical distance from Philadelphia (where I live) and Brooklyn (where I grew up) is about 100 miles, it is a different world.

In Philadelphia I get to be this accomplished professional, independent woman, coach with time and spaciousness to explore and care about what matters to my clients, reader of books, and networker. In Brooklyn I am the eldest child, daughter, granddaughter, caregiver, sister, and cousin. Within 100 miles my identity transforms and also reverts back to the physical childhood spaces, alongside familial roles and conditioning.

These two weeks had been the second hardest time of my life. The first time was when I took care of granny for 10 days after she had a septic infection of her large intestine, resulting in an emergency surgery to remove that organ which ended up with her having an ostomy where shit literally falls out of her abdomen into a plastic pouch.

Both times granny kept saying the same thing to me, “You are the best grandchild because you do so much for me.”* Besides being an occasional caregiver, I am also her translator, ostomy supply orderer, and medical coordinator given the English-Cantonese language gap.

Every time I hear her say this, I tear up – I do so much for her because I love her. She was the only adult who was non physically or verbally violent to me and my younger brother when we were children. So despite our differences in politics, how to live life, and how much we choose to say what is really on our minds, for that alone I am eternally grateful for as long as she lives and beyond.

During this difficult time a friend asked me:

What would you want to tell granny?

The reality is that I have already told her what I wanted to tell her:

  • I love you
  • Thank you for being a nonviolent person in my life so I can know that receiving love and care as a child doesn’t have to be physically or emotionally hurtful
  • Thank you for being alive
  • Thank you for being a single mom to 3 children during Communist Revolution in China
  • Thank you for surviving
  • Thank you for being alive until my adulthood so I can have a role model of gentleness and care in a world that thinks these things are weaknesses
  • Thank you for being one of the strongest person I know
  • Thank you for being my granny

What would I want granny to tell me?

In response to this question, I want to tell her: “I don’t want you to love, care, or value me because of what I do. Instead of saying ‘You are the best grandchild because you do so much for me,’ I yearn for granny to tell me:

  • I love you because you matter. Full stop. You don’t have to do a single thing for me in order for me to love or care for you.
  • To matter – you don’t need to deserve or earn any recognition or attention from me or anyone else because of what you achieve, how smart you are, how you patiently or impatiently you navigate the healthcare system for me, how you took time from your life to cook for me, wash dishes, wipe my body, talk to me, do laundry, and ask about how I am doing.
  • You matter to me just because you are alive. You do not need to do anything more in your life to be more precious to me: you are inherently precious because you are you.
  • No matter how different our perspectives, lived experiences, and lifestyles may be, you do not have to change a single thing about you to please me. You please me: as you are right now and I love you for it.

This is what I wish granny could tell me.

This is what I wish we were all told.

This is what I wish everyone could hear.

This is what I wish we could tell ourselves.

This is what I know to be true.

* My brother is also amazing: loving and taking care of granny in his ways.

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Nancy Li is an authenticity coach and she deeply cares about people mattering – that we don’t need to earn care or a place in the world. Similar to what she expressed in this article – she passionately believes that our ability to truly express ourselves is innately tied to our care and effectiveness at whatever we want to do, whether it is taking care of another, running a team, or building a business.

If you hold similar views, I would love to connect. Connect with me on LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/) and send me a message.

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How to deal with YOUR “big feelings” at work?

Before I go any further: let’s define what “big feelings” are. While it’s a phrase that has gotten popularized in the gentle parenting world and in some parts of the general lexicon, people who don’t have kids or don’t know – just don’t know.

Big feelings are intense emotions that quickly burst up reflexively and can include strong feelings of anger, offense, rejection, hurt, and such.

These big feelings can arise because of a certain situation, person(s), or thing that is just not working out or perhaps there is even conflict.  So if you are a human being who has a job AND works with other living breathing human beings, I’m willing to bet big money that you’ve had big feelings at work before. I know I have.

Unlike a child who has both big feelings and a gentle parent (or two) closeby to soothe these feelings, you are just left with big feelings AND the colleague, client, manager, or situation that is stirring up these big feelings. So what can you do in these situations so that you don’t totally lose your cool on the outside and remain professional while you’re roiling on the inside?

Here are 3 steps to deal with your big feelings:

First: Do NOT invalidate your big feelings – look: the world can be an invalidating place as it is with imposter syndrome, cancel culture, and gaslighting. Your feelings are a big deal – to you! So please do not invalidate them because if you keep invalidating what you feel, sooner or later you will develop a mistrust of yourself because feelings are just messengers of what is important. If you keep dismissing the messenger then you will never hear the important message.Learn to listen to the message.

Next: Acknowledge your big feelings – instead of invalidating your big feelings with “it’s no big deal” or “I shouldn’t feel that way” (aka “shoulding” all over yourself), acknowledge that no matter how petty, silly, stupid, illogical, futile, hopeless, or helpless the big feeling may be, that feeling is here for now. By the way, have you noticed: every time you should all over yourself, who does it sound like? I am also willing to bet the shoulding is in another voice other than your own.

What can you do instead? Maybe you can:

  • Say to yourself “Yep I feel intensely feeling words right now, like I can insert an action or something that the Hulk would say or do.” E.g.: “Yep, I feel intensely pissed off right now, like I can smash a car with my giant oversized green fists.”
  • Focus on your breathing. Literally – notice the feeling of the air coming in and out of your nostril five times. Then notice your big feeling and tell it – “I notice that you are here.”
  • Write your big feeling out on a piece of paper, cradle it in your hands – like a little bird with broken wings. Tell it: “Yes I know you want to fly but for now you are here.”
  • Or find other ways to acknowledge what you feel

Note that acknowledging is not about right/wrong, should/shouldn’t, or good/bad thinking (e.g.: if I feel this way then it is bad, if I feel that way then it is good). Acknowledge just means that you know that it exists – you know this feeling exists in this moment for now.

Lastly: Ask the big feeling: for you to appear this strongly to me, what is the important thing that you want to tell me? And then wait. Just wait. Don’t analyze, extrapolate, think any harder, berate yourself, doubt, or judge. Just wait and listen for 3 minutes. Set a timer if you like.

Sometimes the big feeling will tell you what is important and maybe it is:

  • I need to be respected and what just happened was really disrespectful to me
  • People need to stop talking over me! Seriously my voice and perspectives matter
  • I am overwhelmed and need my own space and time to process all this information

If it does, then thank the big feeling for showing up and sharing the important message with: “Hey, thanks for letting me know what is important to you.”

Sometimes the big feeling can’t tell you what is important right away. That’s ok too, just sit with it for a bit longer and see what happens. If silence and uncomfortableness continues then say: “Thank you for showing up – it is enough just for you to show up today.”

Try out these 3 steps on a big feeling you recently had OR the next one that comes up. After doing these 3 steps: what happened and how did you feel afterwards? I would love to know so I can either celebrate that you were able to deal with your big feelings or acknowledge: wow that was tough. So if you want some celebration or acknowledgement about how you deal with a tough situation or big feelings at work, message me on LinkedIn.

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Nancy Li is a coach who profoundly cares about people stepping into their authenticity so they find what fuels their drive, instead of living from the expectations of others.

Website: https://pannapanya.com

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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When your sibling is missing in caregiving land

Here you are prepping lunch for your aging parent who recently got out of the hospital. Whether you are chopping up veggies or figuring out what your parent can eat post-hospitalization from the local takeout menu, a niggling thought pops back up again: where is this sibling of yours?

You mentally know that you are not the only child. Whether you have 1 or more sibling, it doesn’t matter: your sibling exists. So how come they are not showing up?

You have a day job too, managing high functioning teams or leading important projects. So your time and energy is also precious. Why is it easier to get things done at work than it is at home for your parent?!?!

Sure your sibling showed up at the hospital when things were urgent and helped with some things like trying to decipher the medical language and what to do next. Now that your parent is out of the hospital they are nowhere to be found.

You have reached out via text telling them what your parent needs, hoping that it is a strong enough message: I can’t do this alone and need help! But it has been radio silence. Even when you do get on the phone, they are pretty quiet and don’t really ask about you… or your parent… so what is happening!?!

This niggling pre-lunch thought now turns to anger: where the heck is this sibling!?! I’m exhausted and have been taking care of my parent for days if not weeks after the hospitalization – managing their bills, figuring out what they can or cannot do, trying to remember the 1,000 things the medical professionals told me, managing their medication, etc. I am about to burnout. So why is my sibling MIA?

As these thoughts whirl around in your head, it is easy to spiral into an emotional whirlwind. I invite you to take 3 deep breaths. This may be the first time in a while that you have to yourself and it is an overwhelming place to be. Take 3 deep breaths to pause and check in on how you are feeling.

Clearly you are angry (maybe even resentful), tired, discouraged, and overwhelmed. Caregiving is not meant to be a solo task and you need help, as soon as possible. Even if it is not physical help, you may need emotional or mental support as caregiving can be a marathon and not a sprint. You’re currently working 2 jobs, one of which actually trains and pays you and one of which drains you and has no training or support.

Right now you need to take care of yourself – put on your oxygen mask first. There are many strategies to have more support, balance, and ease in this caregiving situation but the first thing is just to acknowledge that “I need help.” Since your sibling isn’t responding, I encourage you to do this: text 3 different friends, people who you trust can lend a sympathetic ear, this message: “It’s been a bit rough taking care of my parent, can I share what is going for me for 15 minutes this week?”

Your friends now know you need help and a space to share what’s happening. This is the first step and sometimes it is not easy to ask for help but if you choose to continue to be a caregiver then this is a skill, a muscle, that you will need to learn to exercise. Getting in touch with what you truly need on this journey is something that takes time and will ultimately sustain you.

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Nancy Li is a coach for driven professionals who struggle to be authentic and want to feel connected in relationships.She helped people navigate caregiving journeys by connecting them with their authenticity and what they need to be a caregiver and not burn out emotionally, physically, or mentally.

Website + newsletter sign up: https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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Borrowing legitimacy through “we”, “us”, and “people” statements

Here I was on this retreat with 15 other people who practice or teach nonviolent communication* and it felt like a playground!I was surrounded by peers who were all:

  • Skilled enough to communicate about feelings and needs
  • Have a certain level of self awareness and self accountability
  • And there is collective capacity to handle any emotional eruption

It felt freeing – that I have the spaciousness to authentically express any emotion and it will be ok. No one is scared of tears, anger, or silence and collectively we can help each other.

We were also practicing a feedback process. In this process if person A feels uncomfortable about what person B did or says, person A can process the situation with another person (who is not person B). Then they can share it with person B in a facilitated conversation.

The idea that if there is any tension, misunderstanding, or conflict between 2 or more people, the feedback process is a way to be heard and understood so that interpersonal and group cohesion can be repaired and nourished.

Here I was free as a bird at this retreat… until one of my roommates said that they had an impact from me! This person A is quite sweet, we’ve gotten along well, and they even gave me an arm massage when I said I was tired. So I wondered: what did I do to offend them!?

They said that it was a small thing, that they didn’t need processing, and can share now. I felt comfortable enough to receive the feedback from person A. So here goes – a live facilitated conversation in front of a group of 10 or so people.

The impact on person A was this: a few nights ago, we as a group had an intense and emotional discussion in the evening after dinner. I am an early bird and was barely able to keep up with the intensity and depth of the conversation. So I suggested that the group “no longer have intense discussions at night because people don’t sleep well afterwards.”

Person A, on the other hand, was a night owl and reveled in the intense discussion! They felt so amazed and lit up by it. So when I said “people don’t sleep well afterwards” they felt really excluded. They shared that they experience this feeling of separation and exclusion from a young age from not really fitting in. I felt sad and regretful that this offhanded comment had an impact on them.

The facilitator asked me to reflect back what I heard until Person A felt truly heard, which I was able to do. I can see the tension being released from their body when I was able to tell them that my words had an impact by contributing to the sense of exclusion in them.

Then the facilitator asked: what is alive in Nancy and would like Person A to know?

I sat quietly for a moment and tears streamed down my face. I said this, “When you told me that I said ‘people’ and it really excluded you, I realized that I have a pattern of saying ‘people,’ ‘we,’ or ‘us’ so I can legitimize what I really want. I am borrowing legitimacy to express what I want because I am not sure that if I say what I truly wanted that 1- people would care at all and 2- would it even matter?!” Tears continued as I spoke.

Person A looked at me with such compassion and warmth.

At this point I was getting mad at myself: “Why am I the one who is crying when it was Person A who got affected in the first place?!?!”

I told the facilitator, “I feel guilty for crying when it is Person A who was bringing things up in the first place and now I’ve made it all about me in front of all these people!” The facilitator asked two questions of the group:

  • Who feels closer to Nancy now that she has shared what is alive in her? Everyone’s hands went up
  • Who feels like they understand Person A and Nancy better now? Everyone’s hands went up

I felt a sense of relief, lessening of the shame, and this deep sadness that I have been using “people/we/us” statements to legitimize what I really want.

Person A and I went on to discuss agreements for what we can do if this happens again.

We agreed: if and when Person A hears me use “people/we/us” statements again, since I may not be aware of using them given my conditioning the Person A can ask, “Nancy I heard you say “people/we/us,” can you let me know what do you mean by that? I want to deepen my understanding.”

So this is a story of me mourning my own lack of authenticity sometimes. That even I (a person who studies, coaches, thinks about, speaks, writes, and does workshops about authenticity a lot!) can default to certain patterns of inauthenticity because I am not sure if my voice matters, if people even want to listen, or if I use “I” statements then maybe those statements aren’t strong enough to get what I want.

Not only is there a lack of authenticity when I use “people/we/us” statements in this way, it is akin to putting on a mask – I am also learning that maybe I don’t trust others to really hear me.

Finding these deep authenticity blindspots within a caring and skilled community was amazing. Because of a facilitated process and conversation I was able to understand Person A more, feel a lot closer to them, but also Person A felt a lot closer to me and knows me better – authentically with tears and all 🙂

How about you? Have you ever borrowed authenticity before by using “people/we/us” statements? Or perhaps you used other ways to let people know what you want without using “I” statements?

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Nancy Li is a coach for driven professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships.They may default to people pleasing, have imposter syndrome, or put on a mask to be accepted. Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically.

Website: https://pannapanya.com

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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Is there a “true self”?

When it comes to authenticity the idea of “who I am” comes into the picture. For some people it means that there is this “one true self” who shows up no matter what. Similar to how there is one ring to rule them all*. 

While the idea of “one true self” provides constancy and some assurance that things will not change, I don’t believe this is possible because: 

  • Things are always changing. This is a rule of nature for all living things: they are born, they grow, they decay, and then they die. The Nancy at 5 months old, 5 years old, 15, 35, 55, 75, and 105 years old are different creatures with different perspectives, experiences, preferences, skills, beliefs, hopes, and dreams. So to say there is one Nancy that is the “one true Nancy” means that I have to disown, or at least distance myself from, many other Nancys. You can say that there is a Nancy that is more relevant at one point in time but that Nancy changes.  
  • I believe in complexity and there are many parts of us. Have you ever said this: “My heart wants to do this but my head wants to do that.” The feeling of confusion, different pulls, and even torness is the different parts of us showing up. 

So if this is my perspective on the idea of “one true self” then how can there be any authenticity at all!? If I can feel/do/think this way in this situation that involves one group of people and feel/do/think differently in a different situation that involves another group of people, then am I just a shapeshifter who is never authentic? Do I just go where the wind blows because there is no sense of the “real me”? 

For me it relates back to the definition of authenticity, which serves as a north star to this puzzle of is there a “one true self”? 

My definition of authenticity is: 

It is the ability to show up with all of ourselves (including those parts we like, parts we don’t like, parts that we think others like, and parts that we think others don’t like) with openness and tenderness. 

Just as I can learn to mask or hide what I really want to say or do so I become more inauthentic, I can also learn to unmask and be more authentic – this is why authenticity is an ability or a skill for me, not a way of being. 

So if authenticity is an ability then the question of is there a “one true self” becomes pointless because abilities can be upskilled or become rusty with the lack of use.

It is about the willingness and intention of the person to find, study, and practice the skills so they can be authentic vs. the idea of you either are authentic or not. This is the akin to the perennial nature vs. nurture discussions that can be applied to many differences of perspectives. 

I think the “either you have it or not” model shortchanges the possibilities of being human. It’s a very limited perspective that has changed even in science. For example in the 90’s, the dominant scientific belief was that as a baby, humans go through amazing neurological growth but that levels off and decays with age. The discovery of neuroplasticity and the human ability to create more neurons, keep changing, and continuously learn has updated the dominant scientific belief to allow for more possibilities. 

Dear reader, how about you? 

  • Do you think that there is a “one true self”? 
  • Do you think you need a “one true self” to be authentic? 
  • Which then really circles back to a core question: how do you define authenticity? 

* This is for the Lord of the Ring fans out there 🙂 

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Nancy Li is a coach for driven professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships. They may default to people pleasing, have imposter syndrome, or put on a mask to be accepted. Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically. 

Website + newsletter sign up: https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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Reason for the Authentic Musings series: I know that words can be so wonderful and confusing at the same time. 

So the Authentic Musings series is a collection of articles that dive into various aspects and interpretations of high achiever, authenticity, and relationship to reach shared understanding. 

Sometimes it is a deeply personal point of view and sometimes it is from conversations or surveys of others. 

This is meant to be a collective musing so I warmly invite you to share your perspectives on and experiences. 

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When you can’t just “get over” the break up even though it has been weeks, if not months

Let’s face it: break ups suck. Whether it is with a long term partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, close friendship, or even a business partner: it hurts. Because, as the word itself implies – a break up is tearing apart of two people who were once connected, a separation of two human beings on a relational level, and a letting go of or soothing a part of ourselves who yearns for something different. 

There is not only the physical separation: such getting your things back, returning the other person’s things, or establishing boundaries of how and when to meet if there is still a common social circle or shared community. 

There is also the mental separation: you can no longer call or text the person on a whim to share a funny or infuriating situation. 

There is also an emotional separation: not feeling the warmth, connectivity, and even love that you once felt for that person. 

While the physical separation of determining and dividing is more clean, the mental and emotional determining and dividing does not have such tangible ways to delineate when it is “done.”

So here you are: it may have been weeks or months and you are still not “over it” yet. You look perfectly “fine” on the outside: maybe you’re functioning well at work, able to take a shower and go to the grocery store, and even hang out in public with mutual friends but you are not “fine” on the inside.  

Inside you are still roiling: 

  • Sometimes with anger: “How can they do this to me! This is not fair” or “How can they move on so quickly and I am still left holding this package that I want to get rid of but have no idea how to?”
  • Sometimes with sadness: “I feel so lonely without them that maybe we shouldn’t have broken up” or “Someone, anyone will do. I just do not want to be by myself.” 
  • Sometimes with fear: “What if I can’t trust anyone to that level again?” or “Will I ever be able to find another person to love?” 
  • Sometimes with embarrassment: “Why am I making such a big deal about this? People break up all the time and they are fine.” or “This is such a first world problem, there are starving homeless people and here I am complaining!?” 
  • And sometimes it is an incomprehensible mixture of everything above and then some more. 

I would like to invite you to take a deep breath. Really, please take a deep breath. Then take 3 more if possible. I swear: this really helps. 

If what I just shared is resonating with you I want to acknowledge the deep pain and hurt that is still there. I do not believe in that saying that “time heals all wounds.” Actually I find that the writer and meditator yung pueblo says it best so here goes: 

“time does not heal all wounds; it just gives them space to sink into the subconscious, where they will continue to impact your emotions and behavior. what heals is going inward, loving yourself, accepting yourself, listening to your needs, addressing your attachments and emotional history, learning how to let go, and following your intuition.” 

Wow yung! So easy to say and so hard to do! So what can you actually do about it? How can you stop wearing the mask of “I’m ok” when you really are not? 

(Note that this writer does not use capitalization in this piece of writing so I am sharing the quote above as it.)

I don’t have an easy solution for break up because what brought 2 people together is a unique and universal mystery of chemistry, timing, communication, connection, and being human. It’s easy to want to seek a silver bullet or holy grail solution, especially for things that are painful or hard to be with, but these things don’t exist. 

However I can share the 3 principles of my work that has worked for people in tough times of transitions: 

  1. Focus on what works. Our minds tend to default to negative thinking because those are the thoughts that help us survive. However, focusing on what doesn’t work isn’t helpful or going to work in the long term. Focusing on what already works can help us see what is already available and possible. 
  2. Connecting with ourselves with tenderness is one of the ways out of pain. Of the examples of anger, sadness, and embarrassment – how many of the thoughts are tinged with shame, blame, or guilt? Majority of these thoughts are. So tenderness is a way to navigate away from this roiling inner landscape and to other possibilities. 
  3. Explore your smallest next step. Oftentimes we want BIG leaps because we just want to get away from the pain and having a solution right away is so comforting. But big leaps are not only hard to make, they are hard to course correct mid air when you are leaping. So I advocate for small steps, for each step takes you closer to where you want to be and who you want to be. 

If any of these principles resonate with you then I invite you to explore them, on your own or with others who have practice and experience in these areas. There are so many wonderful practitioners of these 3 principles in the world whether they are friends, family members, therapists, writers, influencers, or even a coach like me so I hope this gives you some hope that one day you can drop that mask of being “just fine” even when you are not, find ways to truly understand and express yourself with authenticity, and be at home with yourself even when times are tough. 

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Nancy Li is a coach, speaker, and trainer for driven professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships. They can often default to people pleasing, have imposter syndrome, or put on a mask. Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically. 

Website: https://pannapanya.com/

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin, https://www.linkedin.com/in/nancywingli/

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube 

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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Authenticity vs. reactivity

For some people being authentic means: “Take me as I am right now. If you don’t like it then you can leave. This is who I am!” 

This can be a hard pill to swallow for people around them: “I don’t think I like authenticity if this is how you express yourself and it leaves so little room for me.” 

This makes total sense to me: “Why would I want to be near or even receive anyone else’s ‘authenticity’ when it seems like an erupting volcano and I may get caught in the hot lava flow?”

This is where I am going to pause and ask this: when a person is in the “take it or leave it” or “this is just who I am” mode, is that person being authentic or being reactive? 

“Whoa! This is a tough question! What do you even mean by being authentic or reactive?” you may ask.

And I am glad that you asked because I’ve been pondering on what is the difference and this is the borrowed analogy to illustrate a point: 

I have 2 feet: a left foot that is healthy and fine and a right foot that is wounded and in pain.

You accidentally step on my left foot (that is healthy) and say “Sorry! I didn’t notice your foot there.” 

What am I likely to say? 

Maybe something along the lines of, “It’s ok, I’m fine.” 

You accidentally step on my right foot (that is wounded) and say “Sorry! I didn’t notice your foot there.” 

What am I likely to say? 

If I am conditioned to be polite I may still say, “It’s ok, I’m fine.” But internally I may be thinking, “What!? Are you blind? My foot is right here, how can you miss it!?!” If I am in a lot of pain I will even say what I am thinking out loud… plus a bit more.   

Same you, same weight, same pressure on each of my feet yet two different outcomes. 

One comes from the reactivity of the pain and the other is an authentic “It’s ok, I’m fine.” 

So when I am acting from the “take it or leave it mode” I believe that I am coming from reactivity. Some people may call it a trigger but regardless: there is something hurting and needs tending to or protecting. When I come from authenticity I am coming from a self that is less hurt, perhaps even a healthy me. 

I love how meditation teacher and writer yung pueblo frames it: 

  • “Your immediate reaction doesn’t tell you who you are, it’s how you decide to respond after the reaction that gives you real insight into how much you have grown. Your first reaction is your past, your intentional response is your present.” Read it here. 
  • “Our reactions not only strengthen the emotion we are feeling; they imprint upon and accumulate within the subconscious, priming us to react similarly in the future. We can manage our reactions, not by controlling what we feel, but by bringing awareness into the process. It is hard to change if you cannot see yourself.” Read more here. 

How about you?: 

  • Do you think there is a difference between authenticity and reactivity? 
    • If you do, then how do you define the difference between these two things? 
  • If you do not think there is a difference, I am curious to understand your perspective on this topic.

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Nancy Li is a coach for high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships. Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically. 

Website + newsletter sign up: https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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Reason for the Authentic Musings series: As a coach who helps high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in their relationships I know that words can be so wonderful and confusing at the same time. 

So the Authentic Musings series is a collection of articles that dive into various aspects and interpretations of high achiever, authenticity, and relationship to reach shared understanding. 

Sometimes it is a deeply personal point of view and sometimes it is from conversations or surveys of others. 

This is meant to be a collective musing so I warmly invite you to share yours.

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Enabling partnership through choice in a sticky situation with a client

You have a client facing role on a fast paced, complex, and interdependent project. Your team consists of: 

  • Project leader who sold the project and is accountable for the outcome 
  • 3 junior team members who are responsible for project execution
  • You as the project manager 

You all are about to present findings and recommendations in the second to last meeting to the client. 

The project is multifactorial and depends on the work of another internal team. Two days prior to the client meeting this internal team gave you new information that affects the findings and recommendations. For the sake of transparency and quality delivery, a decision was made to include the new information in the presentation. 

When the client saw the new information, this happened: 

Client: Why are you bringing this new information so late in this project? Why didn’t you do this sooner? 

Project leader: We brought it up to you now because it is an added bonus to the project. 

Client: What? You didn’t let us know anything about it before and now you’re saying that it is a “bonus”?!?!

You can tell that the client is discombobulated, maybe even mistrustful. You decided to step in with a skill you believe and trained the team in: reflective listening:

You: I hear that you are confused and perhaps even irritated at our team for presenting the information so late in the game. 

Client: Yes, you never told us anything about it before! 

You: I can understand how this information can be jarring to receive suddenly. 

Reflective listening is a powerful tool. It checks for shared reality and also confirms that you deeply understand where the client is coming from and experiencing. But reflective listening alone is not enough to move forward and repair a misunderstanding. 

Choice is another powerful tool. In this case, this is about giving choice to the other person which invites them into partnership, instead of a one sided solution. Note that the secret to the two choices is: these are choices that YOU can live with and implement. Do not promise anything that your team cannot deliver. 

Let’s apply it to this continued scenario: 

Client: Your team already has so much time on this project, so how can you present this information now?! We have to present these findings to senior leadership soon and this doesn’t make any sense. 

You: I know that time is limited and you would like to present the best recommendations to your stakeholders. 

Client: Yes, exactly! 

You: How about this: my team can take a deeper look at the new data and enfold it into the recommendations after 3 more days. Or you can present the initial findings and recommendations to your stakeholder as soon as possible, with the understanding that there is opportunity to provide additional insights at a later time. 

Client: Let’s get this done in 3 days. I would rather present the entire finding since the senior leadership team has limited time. 

You may also wonder: what if the client picks neither of the choices? 

Then this is an opportunity to anchor the conversation with what they like about either of the options (if any) and what is still missing for them to reach a true yes to a decision. So choice can also serve as a jumping off point for brainstorming to meet the needs of the clients that is doable for your team. 

Note that this is not a made up scenario. This was a real situation I faced as a project manager. 

What was so satisfying about this situation is that the client felt really heard and the project was able to weather a bumpy journey. Additionally as a people manager, when I checked in with the junior team members about what happened – they were astounded! They personally got to witness the power of reflective listening which makes the previous training relevant and applicable instead of just being theory. 

I hope this short case study shows that you don’t have to stifle yourself in order to be effective. Even in “power over” situations with a manager or client we can remain in choice by giving others choices that are acceptable for us, instead of presenting options that are not doable. This helps us be more present and authentic at work. 

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Nancy Li is a coach for high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships. Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically. 

Website + newsletter sign up: https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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Why does authenticity even matter?

In the inaugural article of Authentic Musings: “What is authenticity?” I explore the different definitions of authenticity – dictionary, survey, and personal definitions. However, why does authenticity even matter in the first place? Why should you care about whether you are, I am, or anyone is being authentic at all? 

Since I am a coach who helps high achievers who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships, I get to think, talk, and be with this topic a lot! So here are some observations and conjectures: 

Authenticity matters because: 

1. Authenticity can help us have better relationships because it is a lot less work and energy to be who we truly are. It takes more work and energy to be who we think we should be or what the other person wants us to be. 

When we are authentic and so is the other person, there is a natural flow and it makes the relationships so much more enjoyable, personable, relatable, and even fun! 

We can sniff inauthenticity a mile away. When we meet someone who puts on a mask, we naturally feel a distance from them even if we cannot put our finger on what it is. So authenticity makes us closer and relatable as human beings. 

2. Authenticity contributes to safety. If a person shows up authentically to us then we know: what we see is what we get AND what we are getting is a good thing. Based on this knowing we can lower our guards to continue to know the other person which then builds trust and camaraderie. 

This is all done in the context of safety. If we do not feel safe we naturally are more guarded, less open, and less willing to explore possibilities. In safety there is natural relaxation, openness, and curiosity about something else whether it is a person, situation, or relationship. 

This is tied to my ruminations on Adam Grant’s famous Give and Take book where there are 3 types of people he found in the workplace: givers, takers, and matchers. Their behavior is as described in the names. So who do you think does the worst and the best over the long term in the workplace? Pause from reading and write down your guesses before you continue. Seriously pause and guess.

The people who do the worst are givers because as you can imagine: they get taken advantage of or they get burnt out because of the constant giving. 

However the people who do the best are also givers. What!? That is because if you are interacting with an individual or community over a longer period of time and you are a taker or a matcher, sooner or later others will find out and maybe not appreciate that behavior type. 

As the proverb goes: “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.” So in the long term people want to interact with givers. But it is a certain type of givers who thrive – those who know how to set boundaries, can discern who to keep giving to and who not to keep giving to. 

For me this definitely ties to safety: why would I keep interacting, nevertheless give, to someone who is consistently taking advantage of me or not treating me with respect or kindness? However if I know you are authentically capable of being supportive, empowering, and caring then that is amazing!

3. It just feels good and feeling good is great. I know that the f word – feelings, can be quite divisive and unscientific. “What? You’re telling me to do something just because it feels good?” asks a hypothetical high achiever, “without understanding the outcomes or impact it has?! My feelings can change from moment to moment!” 

I can understand the trepidation of trusting something that is fleeting or

whimsical. Yet I also know that when I am with an authentic person who shows up time after time as they are without pretense or hiding it just feels really nice: openhearted, appreciative, and rejuvenated. Why wouldn’t I want these feelings in my life consistently if that is who the person really is?

So these are my 3 reasons why authenticity matters: it can help us have better relationships, it can help us be more safe, and it just feels good. 

How about you? Why do you think authenticity matters at all? Or maybe you don’t. Either way I invite you to join the collective musing and share your perspectives and experiences. 

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Nancy Li is a coach for high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships. Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically. 

Website + newsletter sign up: https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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Reason for the Authentic Musings series: As a coach who helps high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in their relationships I know that words can be so wonderful and confusing at the same time. 

So the Authentic Musings series is a collection of articles that dive into various aspects and interpretations of high achiever, authenticity, and relationship to reach shared understanding. 

Sometimes it is a deeply personal point of view and sometimes it is from conversations or surveys of others. 

This is meant to be a collective musing so I warmly invite you to share yours.

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When it is difficult to say “no” as a new caretaker – the need to be authentic and set boundaries in a shifting parent child dynamic

You are going along in your daily life and suddenly you get a call: “_______ is at the hospital, come right away.” With these 8 words your whole world flips upside down. 

First of all, the ER is just a horrible place with lots of sick people who are in pain, rushing doctors and nurses who are asking the same questions over and over and over again, and you’re just confused, scared, and overwhelmed about what is happening. Not only can you barely process what is going on, you’re trying to care for your parent without freaking them out. This is the start of the caretaker journey. 

As the days or weeks progress suddenly you have a new role, a role you didn’t ask for or even contemplated previously: caretaker. Coordinating schedules, figuring out who comes to help on what days, the finances to provide or supplement caretaking, what your ill parent can or cannot eat, drink, or do, and how to fit all this into your life which is already busy with work, maybe your own family, and a social life.

At the same time you are confronting the fact that your relationship with your parent has changed: you are now the competent one to take care of them and they are now reliant on you. The parent child relationship has shifted and you really don’t know what to do! 

You begin to see yourself defaulting to people pleasing – after all how can you say no to someone who birthed and raised you, and in many ways still has “power over” you because of the hierarchical role of parent-child, no matter what age you are now? Yet you know that some things are not healthy or even safe for them. 

First of all: I just want to acknowledge what a tough place this is. Not only do you have the work of physical caretaking, the shift in roles is also changing your personal identity and also the relationship with your parent. It’s confusing, tiring, distressing, and even conflicting. This important relational order is experiencing a seismic shift, no wonder you feel like the ground is shaking under you. 

Next I want to expound the idea and the need to say “no” or set boundaries as a caretaker – for the wellbeing and even safety of your parent and yourself. To me boundaries are not punishment or ultimatum, also it is not about the other person, it is about you – it’s a way to take care of yourself. A boundary is a “no” regarding what you are willing or not willing to do, based on what you need. 

So when you say no, that is not in reference to what your parent does or does not do (e.g.: eat dinner) but what you are willing to do or not do (e.g.: provide dinner) and from that place of shared understanding different possibilities are available (e.g.: order take out, cook different types of food, talk about the non wanting to eat when not feeling well, or understand their decreasing ability to taste and smell food which affects appetite.) 

Boundaries are useful, especially in heated moments. Example: you and your parent are in an argument and you cannot take it anymore: 

You: It is hard for me to be here and listen to you, so I am going for a walk. 

Parent: You’re just going to leave!? How disrespectful! 

You: I respect and care for you and our relationships but I don’t want to say or do something that I would regret. So I am going to take a walk. Would you be willing to talk about this again in an hour or tomorrow, after I have time to cool down? 

See how the “going for a walk” boundary focuses on you and what you need? It is not about shaming or blaming the other person (e.g.: I can’t talk to you when you are being this unreasonable!) but what is happening for you (e.g.: It is hard for me to be here and listen to you. I don’t want to say or do something that I would regret.) 

This boundary allows you to do something to meet your need in the moment: maybe some space, quiet, peace, or rest, so you can fully up more fully when you do interact with your parent again. 

It’s actually an act of compassion because when we don’t set boundaries, we can easily default to shaming and blaming, which is not compassionate for anyone: the giver or the receiver. It feels terrible to be blamed or shamed for something we did or say AND it also feels terrible to blame and shame someone else because we all at one point have a receiver of this treatment. So setting boundaries by keeping the focus on what YOU need is a compassionate way to not only be with the other person but also yourself. 

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Authentic Musings: What is authenticity?

I keep on saying that I am a coach who helps people who struggle to be authentic and feel connected, but what the heck does “being authentic” even mean? Is it a one size fits all pair of pants that falls off the hips of some people, are too tight for others, and just right for other which leaving some with sharp tailored outfits and others feeling naked or uncomfortable?

Having been a good student, my default is to go to the dictionary definition so the first stop is the Merriam Webster online dictionary:

Authenticity:

  1. not false or imitation
  2. true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character; is sincere and authentic with no pretensions
  3.  

3a. worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact

3b. conforming to an original so as to reproduce essential features

3c. made or done the same way as an original

Initially reading of this definition did not sit with me well because:

  1. Telling me what something isn’t (1. not false or imitation) isn’t telling me what it is.
  2. The various definitions for 3 confused me: I thought an element of being authentic is to be our “true self” so why is there conforming or reproducing? In sensing that confusion I realized that I may be mixing up being unique with being authentic. One doesn’t have to be unique to be authentic and by the dictionary definition, sometimes being authentic means it’s following something else… interesting.

But I get it: there are multiple ways to define authenticity.

Another way to define authenticity is to ask other people, lots of them!

About 2 weeks ago I created a survey that asks 3 questions:

  1. What does being authentic in relationships mean to you?
  2. What gets in the way of you being authentic in relationships?
  3. What helps you be authentic in relationships?

Note: the survey is still open so you can input your responses.

Based upon the survey response from 49 people, 90% identified as female, and over 70% are in the 30-50 year range these people define authenticity as:

  • Being yourself: true, real, honest, transparent, and vulnerable
  • Not lying, masking, pretending, holding back, judging, censuring, or hiding
  • Includes safety, trust, communication, care, feelings, listening, and presence

Granted these responses are not statistically significant, are biased based on who I know and can ask to do a survey, and are skewed to certain demographics.

Yet I still find them eye opening to see the range and overlaps of definitions for being authentic in relationships.

Lastly I offer my perspectives on definition of authenticity for now:

  • It is the ability to show up with all of ourselves (including those we like, parts we don’t like, parts that we think others like, and parts that we think others don’t like) with openness and tenderness*

Note that I define authenticity as an abilitybecause sometimes people say we either have it or we don’t.

However I believe that people want and need to hide or mask certain parts of themselves for different reasons: safety – psychological and emotional, desire for acceptance, to fit in, or to avoid shame, blame, or guilt.

Just as inauthenticity or our ability to mask can be learned, it can also be unlearned. Which then means that authenticity / unmasking / showing up fully as ourselves can also be learned.

I’m curious: what is your definition of authenticity? I would love to know, so share your thoughts in the comments.

* You may be thinking: “Wow that is a high bar to set for authenticity! All these different parts!?!” Again this is my musings, hence it is my definition. But also I think this definition includes different lenses – internal and external and what happens when these lenses interact and influence our perception of self or what we think others perceive us to be.

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Nancy Li is a coach for high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships.Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically.

Website + newsletter sign up: https://pannapanya.com/sign-up/

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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Reason for the Authentic Musing series: As a coach who helps high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in their relationships I know that words can be so wonderful and confusing at the same time.

So the Authentic Musing series is a collection of articles that dive into various aspects and interpretations of high achiever, authenticity, and relationship to reach shared understanding.

Sometimes it is a deeply personal point of view and sometimes it is from conversations or surveys of others.

This is meant to be a collective musing so I warmly invite you to share your perspectives on and experiences.

Posted on by

When you are not getting along with your new manager and it is affecting their perception of you

When you are not getting along with your new manager and it is affecting their perception of you

You have a new manager and you two are just not getting along. Previously not only did you have a great rapport with your previous manager, you are also known as a competent and effective team leader with strategic insights and perspectives. 

But… it’s all topsy turvy now: 

  • Your new manager presents some new ideas and you give them the logical reason why it would not work. Instead of appreciating your candor and perspective they think that you are being “too negative”. 
  • They are constantly asking more and more of your team, even though your team has been working beyond normal work hours to do their ongoing regular work in addition to the new projects. 
  • Your 1:1 meetings do not seem to click. They think you do not communicate well and you don’t know how to address that, especially since your previous managers thought you had great communication skills. 

If the behavioral trends continue then it will not bode well for you… or for the team you manage. So how can you navigate this?!? Do you stay your course and continue to tell them what you really think? Do you hide what you truly think and feel, put on a facade, and default to people pleasing?

First of all, I want to give you some empathy: change is hard and it is even harder when it is with someone you don’t get along with as well AND they are in a position of power over you within an organization. Going from being a valued leader to suddenly being labeled as “too negative” or not a good communicator by a new manager is such a drastic shift that no wonder you’re spinning in confusion and frustration. The social part of the workplace can be so confounding sometimes! 

Take a deep breath and acknowledge how bewildering this situation you are in. Go ahead: take at least 3 more breaths before you continue reading. Can you feel your breath coming in and out of you even as you are in this tough spot? 

Next, since the feedback so far is centered on the perception of you as a communicator, I want to give you a practical tip that can help start repairing your image. I am guessing that as the new leader on a team, your manager probably wants to show their capabilities by leading the team in a new direction that would be more effective for the company. 

I am not asking you to commiserate or take their position, especially if you don’t believe their ideas are going to be work. I am asking you to let them know you heard them.

Communication is often thought of as a two way street: Person A says something and then Person B says something. But often what is overlooked is that Person A says something AND in order for Person A to feel understood or heard, it would be helpful for Person B to acknowledge what Person A said before Person B says something.  

For example: 

Manager: “I am proposing a lemonade stand at every corner so that we will generate more profit in Q3.”

You: “We don’t have the cash to build that many stands! Plus the competitors are already at some prime locations.” 

I am guessing that the manager is a bit miffed and wonder if you understand what they are saying in the first place before shooting the idea down. 

This is where reflective listening comes in. Reflective listening is the ability to let the other person know that you heard and understood them by reflecting or paraphrasing what you heard. It can also be followed by: “Is this what you are saying?” or “Did I hear this correctly?”

So let’s replay the lemonade stand scenario with some reflective listening: 

Manager: “I am proposing a lemonade stand at every corner so that we will generate more profit in Q3.”

You: “So you think location can really boost sales. Did I hear that correctly?”

Manager: “No, that is not what I am saying. I am saying that presence and lots of it, as soon as possible, will increase sales.” 

You: “Ah, I see: so being visible in lots of areas with lots of frequency will make sales soar.”

Manager: “You got it, so let’s do this!” 

You can still not agree with the idea that the manager brought to the table AND be on the same page: they articulated that lots of presence will boost sales and they know that you understand this point. Then from this place of shared understanding you can share your perspectives of viable strategies, assumptions, goals, what support or information to support decision making, etc. 

You get to be your authentic self – expressing what you think the business needs given your skills, gifts, and talents. 

AND your manager will feel heard and you will get points for doing the hearing which enables them to hear you more willingly. That is the real two way street of communication. Without that willingness to listen on both sides, then you are just talking over each other. 

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Nancy Li is a coach who works with high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in their relationships. She helps by nourishing their inner connection and helping them find new tools for their relationship tool box so they can show up fully and authentically in relationships. Nancy provides frameworks, exercises, and perspectives so they can make choices from their own authentic knowing. 

Learn more at:

Website: https://pannapanya.com/

LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/pannapanyalinkedin 

YouTube: https://bit.ly/pannapanyayoutube 

Instagram: https://bit.ly/pannapanyainsta

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It’s Not About the Nail – an exercise in empathy for both people in an awkward situation

So last week I wrote “It’s Not About the Nail – really it isn’t: how reflective listening can help you feel like you’re not playing ball by yourself.” This week I want to continue and use the same situation to give empathy to both people in this video.

First: let’s backtrack and start with the basics: what is empathy? It has been a popularized word that people have been throwing around left and right – but what exactly is it? 

As a former business consultant I will give you the classic consultant answer: it depends, because it really depends who you ask and their relationship with empathy. However I am going to level set by sharing the definition by Merriam and Webster dictionary: 

  1. The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another
  2. The act of imagining one’s ideas, feelings, or attitudes as fully inhabiting something observed (such as a work of art or natural occurrence) : the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it

While I agree with the understanding/ being aware of/ being sensitive to another in the definition provided, as a student and practitioner of nonviolent communication*, I want to amend and define empathy as the articulation of what the other person or people is feeling and needing, and oftentimes this can be a guess. So in a way: empathy is the act of guessing feelings and needs of one person by another. 

While guessing can seem pretty speculative and non accurate, the reality is that we cannot truly know what another person is experiencing because we are not that person. Because we are not that person, then it’s better to make guesses than to make assumptions – because we all know what happens when we make assumptions. 

So let me give some empathy to the 2 people in this video: 

Woman: It’s just there is all this pressure, you know. Sometimes it feels like it’s right up on me…

  • Empathy guess: wow you are feeling pretty terrible! Not only are you feeling terrible emotionally, it has an impact on your life: you can’t sleep and your clothes are getting ruined by all the snagging

Man: Yeah…you do have a nail on the head…

  • Empathy guess: ummm…it’s pretty obvious to you because you can literally see the nail in her head. You probably want to help her because you care about her and want to help. 

Woman: It’s not about the nail

  • Empathy guess: you’re getting mad that he is not listening to you. You maybe don’t trust that he totally heard you and truly know the difficulties that you are experiencing 

Man: Are you sure? Because, I bet, if we get it out of there –

  • Empathy guess: you’re probably surprised that she doesn’t think that the nail is the issue. In fact it is so apparent to you that you want to let her know (again) and help her out, because you care about her getting some relief from all the difficulties she is facing. 

Woman: Stop trying to fix it! 

  • Empathy guess: wow he really doesn’t understand what you are going through and now you’re more mad that he is trying to “fix” you when all you need is just someone to listen to your issues for a bit. 
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These empathy guesses allow me to understand what each person is possibly going through instead of thinking that I know what the other person is going through and needs and the best solution to what they are facing. 

When we try to “fix” and find solutions for the other person in a way it is disempowering to the other person – we do not believe that the other has enough knowledge or experience to deal with the situation or the capabilities to handle what is happening. 

I truly believe that each person has their own power, capabilities, and knowledge to find what works for themself. If I were to give them a solution then it shortcuts what they need to learn so when I try to “fix” something then perhaps it is a way for me not to deal with my own frustration and discomfort of an awkward or unhappy situation.

That is why as a coach I do not give advice or solutions. I give people frameworks, exercises, and perspectives so they can make choices from their own authentic knowing. 

* Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Arun Gandhi (Foreword)