In the inaugural article of Authentic Musings: “What is authenticity?” I explore the different definitions of authenticity – dictionary, survey, and personal definitions. However, why does authenticity even matter in the first place? Why should you care about whether you are, I am, or anyone is being authentic at all?
Since I am a coach who helps high achievers who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships, I get to think, talk, and be with this topic a lot! So here are some observations and conjectures:
Authenticity matters because:
1. Authenticity can help us have better relationships because it is a lot less work and energy to be who we truly are. It takes more work and energy to be who we think we should be or what the other person wants us to be.
When we are authentic and so is the other person, there is a natural flow and it makes the relationships so much more enjoyable, personable, relatable, and even fun!
We can sniff inauthenticity a mile away. When we meet someone who puts on a mask, we naturally feel a distance from them even if we cannot put our finger on what it is. So authenticity makes us closer and relatable as human beings.
2. Authenticity contributes to safety. If a person shows up authentically to us then we know: what we see is what we get AND what we are getting is a good thing. Based on this knowing we can lower our guards to continue to know the other person which then builds trust and camaraderie.
This is all done in the context of safety. If we do not feel safe we naturally are more guarded, less open, and less willing to explore possibilities. In safety there is natural relaxation, openness, and curiosity about something else whether it is a person, situation, or relationship.
This is tied to my ruminations on Adam Grant’s famous Give and Take book where there are 3 types of people he found in the workplace: givers, takers, and matchers. Their behavior is as described in the names. So who do you think does the worst and the best over the long term in the workplace? Pause from reading and write down your guesses before you continue. Seriously pause and guess.
The people who do the worst are givers because as you can imagine: they get taken advantage of or they get burnt out because of the constant giving.
However the people who do the best are also givers. What!? That is because if you are interacting with an individual or community over a longer period of time and you are a taker or a matcher, sooner or later others will find out and maybe not appreciate that behavior type.
As the proverb goes: “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.” So in the long term people want to interact with givers. But it is a certain type of givers who thrive – those who know how to set boundaries, can discern who to keep giving to and who not to keep giving to.
For me this definitely ties to safety: why would I keep interacting, nevertheless give, to someone who is consistently taking advantage of me or not treating me with respect or kindness? However if I know you are authentically capable of being supportive, empowering, and caring then that is amazing!
3. It just feels good and feeling good is great. I know that the f word – feelings, can be quite divisive and unscientific. “What? You’re telling me to do something just because it feels good?” asks a hypothetical high achiever, “without understanding the outcomes or impact it has?! My feelings can change from moment to moment!”
I can understand the trepidation of trusting something that is fleeting or
whimsical. Yet I also know that when I am with an authentic person who shows up time after time as they are without pretense or hiding it just feels really nice: openhearted, appreciative, and rejuvenated. Why wouldn’t I want these feelings in my life consistently if that is who the person really is?
So these are my 3 reasons why authenticity matters: it can help us have better relationships, it can help us be more safe, and it just feels good.
How about you? Why do you think authenticity matters at all? Or maybe you don’t. Either way I invite you to join the collective musing and share your perspectives and experiences.
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Nancy Li is a coach for high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships. Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically.
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Reason for the Authentic Musings series: As a coach who helps high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in their relationships I know that words can be so wonderful and confusing at the same time.
So the Authentic Musings series is a collection of articles that dive into various aspects and interpretations of high achiever, authenticity, and relationship to reach shared understanding.
Sometimes it is a deeply personal point of view and sometimes it is from conversations or surveys of others.
This is meant to be a collective musing so I warmly invite you to share yours.