I keep on saying that I am a coach who helps people who struggle to be authentic and feel connected, but what the heck does “being authentic” even mean? Is it a one size fits all pair of pants that falls off the hips of some people, are too tight for others, and just right for other which leaving some with sharp tailored outfits and others feeling naked or uncomfortable?
Having been a good student, my default is to go to the dictionary definition so the first stop is the Merriam Webster online dictionary:
Authenticity:
- not false or imitation
- true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character; is sincere and authentic with no pretensions
3a. worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact
3b. conforming to an original so as to reproduce essential features
3c. made or done the same way as an original
Initially reading of this definition did not sit with me well because:
- Telling me what something isn’t (1. not false or imitation) isn’t telling me what it is.
- The various definitions for 3 confused me: I thought an element of being authentic is to be our “true self” so why is there conforming or reproducing? In sensing that confusion I realized that I may be mixing up being unique with being authentic. One doesn’t have to be unique to be authentic and by the dictionary definition, sometimes being authentic means it’s following something else… interesting.
But I get it: there are multiple ways to define authenticity.
Another way to define authenticity is to ask other people, lots of them!
About 2 weeks ago I created a survey that asks 3 questions:
- What does being authentic in relationships mean to you?
- What gets in the way of you being authentic in relationships?
- What helps you be authentic in relationships?
Note: the survey is still open so you can input your responses.
Based upon the survey response from 49 people, 90% identified as female, and over 70% are in the 30-50 year range these people define authenticity as:
- Being yourself: true, real, honest, transparent, and vulnerable
- Not lying, masking, pretending, holding back, judging, censuring, or hiding
- Includes safety, trust, communication, care, feelings, listening, and presence
Granted these responses are not statistically significant, are biased based on who I know and can ask to do a survey, and are skewed to certain demographics.
Yet I still find them eye opening to see the range and overlaps of definitions for being authentic in relationships.
Lastly I offer my perspectives on definition of authenticity for now:
- It is the ability to show up with all of ourselves (including those we like, parts we don’t like, parts that we think others like, and parts that we think others don’t like) with openness and tenderness*
Note that I define authenticity as an abilitybecause sometimes people say we either have it or we don’t.
However I believe that people want and need to hide or mask certain parts of themselves for different reasons: safety – psychological and emotional, desire for acceptance, to fit in, or to avoid shame, blame, or guilt.
Just as inauthenticity or our ability to mask can be learned, it can also be unlearned. Which then means that authenticity / unmasking / showing up fully as ourselves can also be learned.
I’m curious: what is your definition of authenticity? I would love to know, so share your thoughts in the comments.
* You may be thinking: “Wow that is a high bar to set for authenticity! All these different parts!?!” Again this is my musings, hence it is my definition. But also I think this definition includes different lenses – internal and external and what happens when these lenses interact and influence our perception of self or what we think others perceive us to be.
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Nancy Li is a coach for high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships.Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically.
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Reason for the Authentic Musing series: As a coach who helps high achieving professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in their relationships I know that words can be so wonderful and confusing at the same time.
So the Authentic Musing series is a collection of articles that dive into various aspects and interpretations of high achiever, authenticity, and relationship to reach shared understanding.
Sometimes it is a deeply personal point of view and sometimes it is from conversations or surveys of others.
This is meant to be a collective musing so I warmly invite you to share your perspectives on and experiences.