When it comes to authenticity the idea of “who I am” comes into the picture. For some people it means that there is this “one true self” who shows up no matter what. Similar to how there is one ring to rule them all*.
While the idea of “one true self” provides constancy and some assurance that things will not change, I don’t believe this is possible because:
- Things are always changing. This is a rule of nature for all living things: they are born, they grow, they decay, and then they die. The Nancy at 5 months old, 5 years old, 15, 35, 55, 75, and 105 years old are different creatures with different perspectives, experiences, preferences, skills, beliefs, hopes, and dreams. So to say there is one Nancy that is the “one true Nancy” means that I have to disown, or at least distance myself from, many other Nancys. You can say that there is a Nancy that is more relevant at one point in time but that Nancy changes.
- I believe in complexity and there are many parts of us. Have you ever said this: “My heart wants to do this but my head wants to do that.” The feeling of confusion, different pulls, and even torness is the different parts of us showing up.
So if this is my perspective on the idea of “one true self” then how can there be any authenticity at all!? If I can feel/do/think this way in this situation that involves one group of people and feel/do/think differently in a different situation that involves another group of people, then am I just a shapeshifter who is never authentic? Do I just go where the wind blows because there is no sense of the “real me”?
For me it relates back to the definition of authenticity, which serves as a north star to this puzzle of is there a “one true self”?
My definition of authenticity is:
It is the ability to show up with all of ourselves (including those parts we like, parts we don’t like, parts that we think others like, and parts that we think others don’t like) with openness and tenderness.
Just as I can learn to mask or hide what I really want to say or do so I become more inauthentic, I can also learn to unmask and be more authentic – this is why authenticity is an ability or a skill for me, not a way of being.
So if authenticity is an ability then the question of is there a “one true self” becomes pointless because abilities can be upskilled or become rusty with the lack of use.
It is about the willingness and intention of the person to find, study, and practice the skills so they can be authentic vs. the idea of you either are authentic or not. This is the akin to the perennial nature vs. nurture discussions that can be applied to many differences of perspectives.
I think the “either you have it or not” model shortchanges the possibilities of being human. It’s a very limited perspective that has changed even in science. For example in the 90’s, the dominant scientific belief was that as a baby, humans go through amazing neurological growth but that levels off and decays with age. The discovery of neuroplasticity and the human ability to create more neurons, keep changing, and continuously learn has updated the dominant scientific belief to allow for more possibilities.
Dear reader, how about you?
- Do you think that there is a “one true self”?
- Do you think you need a “one true self” to be authentic?
- Which then really circles back to a core question: how do you define authenticity?
* This is for the Lord of the Ring fans out there 🙂
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Nancy Li is a coach for driven professionals who struggle to be authentic and feel connected in relationships. They may default to people pleasing, have imposter syndrome, or put on a mask to be accepted. Together, she nourishes their inner connection so they can show up fully and authentically.
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Reason for the Authentic Musings series: I know that words can be so wonderful and confusing at the same time.
So the Authentic Musings series is a collection of articles that dive into various aspects and interpretations of high achiever, authenticity, and relationship to reach shared understanding.
Sometimes it is a deeply personal point of view and sometimes it is from conversations or surveys of others.
This is meant to be a collective musing so I warmly invite you to share your perspectives on and experiences.