Maybe it’s been several months, years, or even decades but you and your romantic partner are “just fine.” You both wake up in the morning, go to work, come back home to the routine of eating dinner, personal care, maybe watch some tv or read a book, and then go to bed. You don’t even have children to take care of but you don’t spend a lot of time together as a couple.
This is so unlike the beginning of your relationship when you couldn’t wait to be together – there was this undeniable romantic spark between you two. The activity can be as mundane as making dinner, an affectionate touch, or just laughing or commiserating about your day. There was such attraction, excitement, and longing for each other.
What happened? You don’t quite know but it seems like the spark is gone.
Friends tell you: you can’t stay wildly attracted to someone forever.
Self help books tell you: spice up your life with certain sexy practices or doing adventurous things together.
The situation isn’t calling for therapy because you’re not really in conflict or arguing.
It’s just blah.
While I am not a romantic relationship expert, I am a coach who helps people who struggle to be authentic and connected in their relationships. I know that being authentic and connecting deeply to ourselves first helps to connect authentically and deeply with another person. Without filling our cups first it is hard to fill other people’s cups. We cannot give what we don’t have.
Given this scenario I just described I want to share an exercise that can help you connect with yourself and then your partner in a more fun, heartfelt, and exploratory way. Hint: it involves connecting with ourselves first and then sharing what we got. Give yourselves 20 minutes or so.
- First find a place where you both can sit or be still for a bit. Have paper and pen closeby.
- Close your eyes, take 3 deep breaths.
- Bring to mind a younger version of you: a child who is taken care of and nourished. Sit in that space for a bit and feel that care and nourishment.
- Looking back, what did the younger you enjoy doing, eating, or experiencing? Maybe you loved picnics, trucks, playing dress up, splashing in puddles, or playing with animals. Maybe you can group it by different stages: what you enjoyed in elementary school, middle school, high school, or even college.
- Whatever it is just quickly write the things you enjoyed and loved doing down. Don’t stop, don’t think, and just let your hands flow. Give yourself time to write it all down.
- When both of you are done writing – look at each other. Really look at each other and see if each of you look any different after connecting with what was fun for each person.
- Then share what was fun to the younger you. See where there are overlaps or are differences.
- Then for the next 3 weeks go on dates and do 2 things a week together: one thing from your list and one thing from your partner’s list.
- After each activity, share how it was for each of you.
The point is not that you have to enjoy the same things as a couple but to share things that you like and enjoy with someone you care about – to have shared experience and quality time as a couple. I hope this exercise helps you connect with what brings you joy and play while sharing it with someone you love.
If you tried this exercise I would love to hear how it was for you and your partner.
Take care,
Nancy
