In another article I shared about “How to deal with YOUR “big feelings” at work” but I know that I cannot be the only person with big feelings at work – tough triggering moments also happen to colleagues, managers, clients, or anyone who has a pulse because we are all human.
When you notice someone is having a big feeling moment which may appear via shouting, saying harsh words, belittling, crying, or criticizing, what can you do?
You’re not their parent but it is getting increasingly uncomfortable to either witness someone unleashing their big feelings on someone else OR unwittingly being on the receiving end of their big emotions. So how do you ameliorate the situation or at least not get hurt by the shrapnels of big feelings?
It depends if the big feelings are directed at you or not.
Situation A: their big feelings are NOT directed at you.
- Do reflective listening while matching their energy – this is actually 2 skills in 1 move. First you need to let them know that you hear what they are saying AND it makes sense.So phrases like:
- “I totally get that you are angry at what happened. It’s really disrespectful!”
- “It makes a lot of sense that you’re upset about this situation.”
- “It’s sad that things didn’t work out even though you’ve been putting in extra effort and time into it.”
Or anything other phrases that acknowledge what they are going through.
The second skill is this: match their energy. If someone is loud and screaming, if you are quiet then it’s not on the same wavelength. You don’t necessarily have to yell and scream at the same decibel but you want to talk louder and closer to their audio range so you’re displaying passion and energy that is at their level.
- Guess their needs – behind every feeling there is a need for feelings are the messengers. Based on what they shared, start guessing:
- “I’m guessing that you really want some respect from your manager instead of them disregarding your work!”
- “Do you need some peace of mind and spaciousness? So you can actually hear yourself think?”
- “Perhaps you need some appreciation of the work and effort you’ve been putting in?
The secret is this: you do NOT have to guess correctly. You just need to guess their needs. If you guessed correctly then you will physically see a change: a relaxing in the body, a letting go of the big emotions, or a sigh of relief that someone hears and sees them.
If you guessed incorrectly then they will literally say, “No, that is wrong and is not what I need. I need _______.” (or some version of this). Then you reflect back what they say which means you guessed correctly.
At this point the person would calm down enough. Then you ask them if they need anything else or have someone else continue to help them.
Situation B: their big feelings ARE directed at you.
- Do reflective listening. If you value your life, dignity, or peace of mind do NOT say:
- “It’s not my fault.”
- “The reason why I did this is because _________.”
- “I have no control over this too so stop blaming me!”
- “It’s actually John/Jane who caused this mess, not me!”
Or any other phrases that try to defend yourself. At this point if the person has big feelings directed at you, they are upset at YOU. So any defense or deflection will add fuel to their fire – transforming it from an alarming campfire to a raging 20 foot bonfire that is suitable for presenting sacrifices.
So keep saying what you heard them say, word for word if needed:
- “I hear you say that I am being a jerk.”
- “So what I did really hurt you and was super inconsiderate.”
- “You really don’t like how the meeting went and think I’m responsible since I didn’t update the graphics that you told me to last night.”
- Keep doing reflective listening like your life depends on it! If someone is mad at you, just reflecting back on one issue that contributed to their big feelings is not enough. Let the person keep sharing and you keep doing reflective listening until the other person gets a very clear idea that you understand enough of their pain, confusion, concern, or anything else. The other person needs the space to be fully seen and heard. This may take a while (10, 15, or even 30 minutes) but once you can sense the other person has calmed down and is less riled up then you can
- Share what is going on for you.This is the opportunity for you to share any feelings, regrets, or perspectives related to anything the person previously said but remember: focus on the key issue and do not get derailed by any details that may bother you. You can address the details later but first focus on the big picture. Example:
- “I feel really sad that you called me a jerk because I really care about being respectful. So I’m surprised that I came off that way.”
- “Now that I heard and understand everything that is going on for you, I feel a bit confused because based on our conversation last week I thought I was responsible for the initial email and you were responsible for the follow up.”
- “This is actually a lot for me to take in right now. Can we take a 15 minute break and then I can share my perspectives on what happened?”
If you don’t think they heard you or understand you then you can also ask them to tell you what they are hearing. Now that you have both pieces of the puzzle: what is going on for the other person and what is going on for you, now you can figure out what to do next, how to prevent such a misunderstanding from happening again, or how to fix the situation.
So here it is: ways you can deal with someone else’s big feelings in the workplace, whether the big feelings are directed towards you or not.
BUT these are not formulaic robotic phrases for you to write down AND you really have to practice a few times to get it. As you can imagine: these are stressful situations and you gotta get some practice in before you go to the big leagues.
What you say has to come from a genuine place of care – not that you have to care so deeply that you promise to take away all their pain but that you care because as a human we sometimes are in pain. You’ve experienced that pain and know how hard it is, so you care for them in a way because you know they are going through a tough time – regardless of who is the trigger for it.
Being human, miscommunication and misunderstandings can happen so using reflective listening, as well the courage to make guesses and share what is happening for you, can help repair any rupture that happens.
If you know of someone who is dealing with a lot of big feelings at work then forward them this article. It will make them feel better to know they are NOT the only going through this AND they get to have some practical frameworks and tools to get started on handling these situations in a different way. This is a great start and if you want to learn more or practice this with me then message me on LinkedIn.
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Nancy Li is a coach who truly believes that is it possible to be both authentic AND effective. Actually being authentic makes you more effective, not less, because what people like it when what they see is what they get and they like what they see.
If you want to learn more about this perspective about being authentic AND effective then connect with me
Website: https://pannapanya.com
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